Andrew's Blog

So so so so pensiveee...

2006-06-26T03:47:00.000+08:00

Today I did something I think I really shouldn't be doing...

dispensing advice on relationships....

A friend that I really not that close to asked if she should take this guy as her boyfriend. And please, I'm not using a made up imaginary situation as a metaphor for myself and a girl I'm interested in or anything. Anyway there's this guy who's interested in her and has already asked her to be his steady.

She says they have a lot in common, (in my opinion her judgement may be suspect..) they can have fun together and they're both fond of cracking jokes. She says again that he treats her very well and that she's really happy around him. But she thinks she still young, 21, and soo afraid of getting hurt.

My take on relationships is that it is INEVITABLE that u will get hurt, merely for the simple fact that you'll break up. Even if u do marry the dude, he'll still do stuff that will be hurtful and vice-versa. I didn't know how to explain that to her, got a feeling she's lookin for a "hurt-free" relationship, which doesn't exists. She says she's very happy when she's around him but yet she still feels unsure. That tells me that she still suspects he isn't all just ha ha howdy doo.

So then I tells her to go out a couple more times over a few weeks and see how it goes. Then I told her to be around him when he ain't all rainbows and sunshine. Cos I thinks it's truly u when u's a badass. It's so easy to fake happiness and niceness and courtesy and concern... especially when you's after a piece of ass. But when ur bad.. then ur bad. A little harder to fake being an asshole... More of your true nature, hence "self" comes out when your sad, angry or depressed. Don't u think so? U think I gave her at least, sound.. advice?

Anyway, I think I will stop dispensing advice of anykind for a while... or indefinately. To change the pensive atmosphere... as requested, by Ms. Bandaids, here are some fun facts... on farts:

Where does fart gas come from?
The gas in our intestines come from several sources: air we swallow, gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced from chemical reactions from our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our gut.

What makes farts stink?
The odour comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. The more sulphur rich your diet, the more sulfides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly smelly farts.

Why do farts make a noise?
Sounds come from the vibrations of the anal opening, depening on the velocity of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles. Contrary to the the popular misconception, the sound is not produced by the flapping of the butt cheeks.

Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than stinky farts?
Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a by-product as well a pungent gases. The resulting bubbles tned to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products, these emerge as a SBD (Silent but Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

How long does it take for a fart to travel to someone's nose?
Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions, humidity, temperature, wind speed etc.. and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Generally if a fart is not detected in a few seconds, it's too dilute for perception and is lost in the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions like when a fart is released in an enclosed space, e.g. car, small room, elevator.. may limit the amount of dilution of the fart and may remain in smellable concentration for a long time.

Do men fart more than women?
No, fart just as much as men. It's just that men take more pride in it than most women.

At what time of the day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is most likely to fart in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder" and if the gentleman gets a good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

Is it really possible to ignite farts?
Yes! Tho it is dangerous and one quarter of people trying to light their farts have gotten slightly burnt. Farts burn because they contain methane and sometimes hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. Farts burn with a yellow or blue flame, blue flame is an indication of methane. Since methane "producers" are an elite group (only 1/3 of the population) an exclusive club called the Royal Order of the Blue Flame has been established and open only to them.

Is it true that cow farts contribute to global warming?
Research shows that methane produced by cows and sheep emerges from the mouth rather than the anus. So one could more accurately say that cow and sheep belches contribute to global warming. New Zealand researchers are investgating methods of breeding methane-free sheep.

Is it possible to get stoned after inhaling 2 or 3 farts in a row?
There are no intoxicating agent in flatus, however farts contain very little oxygen and you may experience dizziness inhaling over concentrated fart essence.

Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use?
It is theoretically possible to do this tho it does present a lot of logistical problems. A better way would be to capture it while bathing in a bathtub. Fill the jar with water then hold it in the bathtub with the open end downward. Lean back in the bathtub so your fart bubbles will emerge in front rather than behind where u can see them. Catch the bubbles in the jar and put the lid on while it's still underwater. This way u capture fairly pure fart uncontaminated by atmospheric air.

Sources:
http://www.heptune.com/farts.html

New on Discovery - The Scientific Review Board of Melaka.

2006-06-26T03:43:00.000+08:00

Discovery interviewed this Japanese woman who turns out to be the oldest woman in Japan at 108 yrs old... and she confesses to still being a virgin... her name is "Matimati Tamaokasi". Hur hur...

Now on Discovery... The Scientific Review Board of Melaka (SRBM) has decided to rename one of its recent archeological findings, i.e. the Edinasaurus, in light of new updated discoveries in its traits.

Previously the Edinasaurus, scientific name Talkalotus nonstoppus, will now be renamed Incrediblyus violentus, but it's common name, i.e. Edinasaurus will remain the same. This is due to the discovery of REALLY REALLY large FANGS in both its upper and lower jaws... which were somehow missing in the original skull.

The Edinasaurus was previously described to be loud and noisy due to an enlarged throat but now archeologists have attributed that to the ability to swallow its prey whole, as well. It would seem that it would be in the best interests of the other dinosaurs not to piss the Edinasaurus off.

But the new discovery also completes the skeletal structure of the Edinasaurus' foot. It has an extra bone called Highheelus salsallthetimus which causes the Edinasaur to look like it's wearing high heels. It moves unconventionally, traipsing about like it was doing the salsa... ALL THE TIME. Therefore despite its deadly temper, one could quickly move away before it salsa'ed its way to swallow u.

That is all for this week from The Scientific Review Board of Melaka. Next week: The Bandaidosaurus.

The Scientific Review Board of Melaka is:
Andrew Chee (Chairperson)
Megat B. Mat Sazali (Vice-Chairperson)
Megato Supplethaiboyo (Archeologists)
Babilazarus B. Zakaria (Lead Creativist Fictionalist)

World Cup Disgust...

2006-06-26T03:38:00.000+08:00

Do not let the title fool u. I'm not a big soccer fan but me like watching world cup. Pretty exciting and there's always the potential to make new friends.

Yesterday saw Australia bt Japan 3-1!!.. Hooray! Bloody japanese over-rated. Their only goal also a little controversial. Some jap lobbed the ball toward the goal for someone to head, the aussie keeper had it and was going to either catch or push the ball away. Then this bloody little japanese use his body to push the keeper aside and the ball just bounced in. Sampat punya gol. But the socceroos came back after 80 mins and scored 3 in a row. The japs somehow crumbled after australia scored one, altho both teams were quite equal but the japs actually had slightly better killer instinct... what with all their samurais and ninjas.

Then today Korea bt Togo 2-1! Tho togo had one player sent off, Korea deserved the win but Korea had this irritating "nak glam je" player named chun soo... tak nak pass kat org ni budak!! He had this obscenely bright dyed blonde silverish hair and a "cheekopek" moustache, ambik bola je nak dribble, nak tembak... shootoh also no nearo goalo.

Then just now Brasil vs Croatia... as of 80 mins it was 1-0 Brasil. Brasil actually not very terrifying... better than the Croatians but no much joga bonito (or i dunno how to tell)... Ronaldinho also lost the ball quite easily a couple of times. Croatia actually had a few shots at goal... but brasil keeper very sharp, he not brasil keeper for nothing. Overall not a very exciting match but still fun, I would have stayed to watch the whole thing except for this FUCKING DISGUSTING ASSWIPE who keep SPITTING ALL THE TIME!!

Here comes the "world cup disgust"... When i think of watching a match, at a coffeeshop or whatever.. I would think that I'd be able to enjoy the match.. focusing my attention on the nice big screen and only perhaps occasionally have other ppl's heads obstructing my view occasionally as the only problem.

But then comes along this OBSCENELY FAT FUCK!!.. Seriously like MICHELIN MAN KIND OF FAT!!... Dude, you already look fucking disgusting... at least TRY to seem proper. He is sooo fucking fat even his XXXXXL shirt couldn't completely cover his bulge. U can still see one fold of fat just peeking where his shirt ends. He sat on 2 chairs one on top of the other.. I dunno why... with his fat arms resting here and there... had this grimy unkempt hair and fucked up never trim kind of moustache, some acne scars, menacing looking eyebrows and this "try to be cool" kinda gruff voice... yes... I wasn't spared from his unwanted uneducated broken english stupid commentary of the match.

Eh... I don't mind how you look, or how u dress.. I'm bloody sloppy myself... but dude... HYGIENE!!... He for whatever fucked up reason... had to spit... ALL THE TIME!!.. He spit continuously throughout the entire match, cept during halftime when he started eating,.. LITERALLY CONTINUOUSLY SPITTING... He spat once less than every 10 SECONDS!! I bloody timed the intervals betweens his spits... sometimes it was 8 sec, sometimes it was 9. I'm not fucking kidding.

And the worst part is... his spit... MORE LIKE PEE!! He doesn't go "ptuuii" but sounds more like watery pee SHOOTING OUT OF HIS MOUTH!. Seriously... FUCK YOU Michelin Man lookalike... Just because of one dude, my whole match spoiled... he was only 2 - 2 and a half metres away from me... I was so scared his "pee-spit" would come flying over and hit me.. I don't understand him... Does he think he would seem cool? I dunno how some of his friends (I'm not really sure if they were..) who actually seemed nice and proper... can sit so close to him??

Kaninabu... I looked his direction a couple of times but maybe he thought I was thinking he was cool. Hey "friend"... tak tau malu ke? Shan't go on about his "friends" who deliberately talked loudly and accented their expletives so that everyone would know they were betting and very "expert" at betting and very pandai to analyse how to bet, etc, etc.. Hey dudes... letter for the day... "L"... for Loser! But even without them, Mr. Michelin Man was enough... I sometimes also not very hygiene one... I can handle the longkang sewage smell, I can sometimes dun bathe for 2 days, I sometimes like to dig for gold, I also sometimes play with stray cats and dogs.. but dude, congratulations... u managed to gross me out.

Courtship...

2006-06-26T03:37:00.000+08:00

This entry just saje-saje... cos i haven't blogged in a long time and just feel like it now. Was watching discovery channel the other day... (actually everyday.. shh...) and the programme was "The Most Extreme"... and the ep was about "courtship" in the animal kingdom. Pretty interesting.

Did u know there is this kind of lizard that doesn't need the males to procreate?? They can just lay already fertile eggs without the annoying hassle of intercourse! Talk about taking lesbianism to the next level... they can't really do it on their own... but all it requires is for another female (they apparently live in large female groups...) to PRETEND to be male and play hump the female, then the female will just trick herself into thinking that she's been inseminated and will lay FERTILIZED eggs. Canggih sungguh..

And apparently us humans may have to learn how to do that... and learn pretty soon too. Apparently the male sperm count worldwide has dropped 50%!!!! 50 bloody PERCENT!! And apparently, YOU FEMALES are to blame... :P The cause, they suspect, might be in the water. U know the water we drink, bathe, cook with is all re-used right? Sewage just gets processed again and again and filtered, etc, etc... Well our capacity to filter IS pretty good... it gets all the dirt and the harmful stuff out but apparently we can't filter HORMONES. Which brings me to mention that, only 20% of the hormones in contraceptive pills that women take get absorbed in their system. The remaining 80% goes the sewage.. and for us men to drink... hence the drop in sperm count.

Also it is a common idea that men think women may like them if they have nice big muscles... how true that is, me dunno. But do you know it also happens in the animal kingdom?? The fish kingdom to be exact, some fish (forgot the name...) are attracted to the male fish if they big MUSSELS!! Yes the shellfish.. apparently they need the mussel to have sex. The fish will look for a mussel and tickle gently it or something so it won't close and then go look for a female... then show the female his mussel. The BIGGER the mussel, the more attracted the female will be.

Then they do this little courtship thing etc, etc... then the female will lay her eggs in the mussel.. and the male will go in the mussel to fertilize it. So they actually have sex... in the mussel. Well anyway, sort of comparing that to the human world, a whole bunch of men were asked, what part of the body they think that women are most attracted to? An equal number said between, powerful chest, big arms and... dick. And the women were asked the same question... that is, which part of a man they were most attracted to... and the answer... by an overwhelming percentage was...

THE ASS.

Tourism Malaysia

2006-06-26T03:31:00.000+08:00

I'm not going to actually talk about tourism in malaysia.. maybe a bit la.. but mostly JB. Heh heh... JB is a pretty colourful place u know... apparently not so safe for u singaporeans and i think i agree la... do be careful in JB or wherever in m'sia u decide to roam. Sedihnya negaraku tak selamat.

So anyway JB is a pretty colourful place (redundant..), as most of u know, it was in JB that i got an offer for free blowjob. Me went back recently couple of times, rokok murah kan, to eat also... got this lorong near the customs with banyak malay and indian food, i cannot vouch for the cleanliness but sedap.

So i was there with a friend and we ate la... Nasi Padang... rice, a really yummy serving of meat or fish, and 2 sayur and tuang gravy sampai kebanjiran.. baru RM4 je. Then near that same lorong was this fortune teller guy all the way from thailand (or so he claims) putting on a show. I didnt understand a word (he was jabberin in mandarin) tapi dia ada bawa ular from thailand sekali! Bukan satu, banyak! Got medium sized cobras, must have been 20 in that cage, then got a mean sized phython, and this gile babi besar king cobra i think... scary.

So dia banyak cerita la... dia perasan nasib org m'sia dgn s'pura tak baik la.. dia datang bawa tuah la.. ape sajelah. Then dia jual macam macam tangkal, minyak ular pun ade la. Then after the show he gave "consultancy". Dia ade assistants sekali. One of his assistants came up to my friend and offered to read his fortune... for free.. no worries one.

So in m'sia... sad but true... when someone tells u "no need money one" it's exactly the opposite. So the fella gave my friend a short reading, saying generic stuff la... "i see luck coming your way" or "hmm.. i need to read a bit further" etc etc.. So after a short while he went like this:

Him: Hmm.. you carry ringgit or sing dollar?

My fren: Why?

Him: Oh nothing... nothing nvm. But u see.. my service free one.. but ah to proceed further..Buddha need RM60 from u.

My fren: But u said just now it's free what?

Him: Ya ya.. but buddha needs RM60 la.. not expensive

My fren: No money sorry...

It went on a bit longer but u probably know how it went.. we walked off soon after. Then my friend wanted to see where it was that i bumped into those prostitutes.. Took a while to find that dark lonely street but finally did. THANKFULLY.. my "friends" (i.e. the 3 prostitutes) weren't there. Maybe cuti ke ape. Anyway then on an adjoining street, got this quite sexy girl, dressed pretty sexy also walking around there, obviously prostitute also. So we walked passed by there anyway then she called to us.. my friend being curious and all, both of us went la. She talked to my friend, aku dah bosan nak layan la. Then found out she can speak mandarin, so my friend spoke to her in mandarin.

Her: Ni yao mah? (with macam macam hand indications)

Me fren: Huh? Oh... chi duo? (How much?)

Her: RM60. Wo men chi lo sang. (We go upstairs..)

Me fren: Bu yao la.. mei you chien.. (don't want la... no money..)

Her: Bu yao pien la.. Wo bu shi ti ti leh.. wo shi mei mei.. wo kai tao liao (Dun bluff la.. i'm not "little brother" u know.. I'm "little sister" leh.. I operate already!)

And then she flashed us her "pussy".. WAARRRGHHH... eh eh gelinye!! Tak nak tengok "pussy" yang cam tu... it looked totally normal la... from what i could see before i turned away... but eh... she used to be a guy... and that's a.. guy's pussy... eeeeeeeeee. With many many goosebumps... kita pun beredar dari situ cepat cepat.

We decided to lepak at the mamak near customs, which was also near the place that the fortune teller was doing his show. But now instead got another fella. Encik Anton Karitingan or something from Sarawak. Dia tgh jual "syahwat buaya" yang bagus sekali untuk jantan jantan semua... i.e. i believe the word he used was "buah zakar" jantan. So he was demonstrating his incredible medicine made from buaya all the way from sarawak. Apparently proven to to enhance the male sex drive and elongate the "shaft". His pitch was:

Him: Saya bini ada empat! Dua tidur kiri, dua tidur kanan.. tidak pernah kecewa!! Apasal? Lu tengok sendiri.

Then he took out some plastic bag tube which he had put the medicine in, blew air in it and held it tight.

Him: Ini macam u punya "benda". U tengok.. lu sapu ini ubat.. habis, lu kasi urut.. Kalau u urut kanan.. dia bengkok kanan. Kalau u urut kiri.. dia bengkok kiri. Kalau u urut bawah.. dia bengkok bawah. Kalau u urut atas.. dia bengkok atas. Kalau u urut depan.. dia kasi panjang. Mana satu lu suka.. u buat la. Kita punya zakar ada banyak urat... ini ubat kasi kuat itu urat. U tengok..

Then he did some demo on the back of some guy's hand. rub some of his oinment on it and started flicking on one of the visible veins on the guy's hand.

Him: HAaaahh... u tengok.. itu urat ada naik tak? Kalau dia boleh kasi naik urat tangan lu yang kasar... apalagi urat zakar lembik??!! Ini ubat saya guarantee!! Takda tipu tipu... anytime u boleh cari saya... saya bagi card saya sama nombor. Ini ubat guarantee power! Tapi..!!! Ada pantang dia... apa pantang dia? Pantang dia.. u JANGAN urut maju-mundur. U tau urut maju-mundur? Org jantan suka urut maju mundur.. fuuh dia rasa sedap.. tapi itu bukan panggil urut lagi... itu panggil ape? Pak Chui Cheng lah! (Hokkien for um...masturbate)

I say macam-macam JB ade... if u want his medicine it's only RM20.. he's opposite the m'sian customs opposite a bee cheng hiang. So tulah... kisah aktiviti aku kat JB. Anyway, it's me hols... I'm goin off to Terengganu for a few days.. it's turtle season. hope to spot one...that is if i'm lucky... sedihnye... even penyu pun dah tak nak datang malaysia lagi.. Be back on mon.. or tues..

Dear PAP MP...

2006-06-23T03:15:00.000+08:00

Recently, my white MP,
Knok on my door, and very kek ki..
Say 'I've worked so hard, so vote for me',
'Or rubbish won't be cleared, in your vicinty'..

I said 'Dear MP of my GRC',
'Dun remember u, so please pardon me'..
'I only saw you on TV','
Dozing off and jiak liao bee'..

Last GE I voted for thee,
2% up in GST..
Cut CPF and up utility,
Are still very clear in my memory..

5 years later, then you come to me,
Fresh from your slumber of ivory..
Say that only, you can help me,
Escape from a life of poverty..

Just take a drive on CTE,
Count the number, of all the gantries..
Or squeeze a ride on the MRT,
That has not been cleared for ye..

My life since the last GE,
Has been downhill though I voted PAP..
If I vote the same for your sleeping spree,
I can expect the same misery..

So this time round, I vote for somebody,
Who will kachiao you, to productivity..
Forms fill wrong, no big deal to me,
If there's someone to speak up for ah bee..

So dear MP of GRC,
If life no improve, vote u zho simi?

My Miura Experience...

2006-06-23T03:08:00.000+08:00

Instructions:
Write about the most memorable experience you have of Miura Mikita Lee. Your blog may include photos and diagrams. You are reminded of the need for good English and clear presentation in your answers.

My Miura Experience... by Megato.

My name is Megato. I am a young, supple 15 yr old Thai boy. I live in South Thailand and this is my Miura Experience.

One day, it was very normal day... I walking around like normal to go to buy vegetable for Buddhist monk. After I buying my vegetable then I riding my bicycle to send vegetable to monk. Suddenly a very nice shiny big red Mazda 3 come beside me. Inside the car, was a very very pretty little girl, she asking me for direction to go to massaging parlour. I say massaging parlour very very far and take very very long road.

And then her face soo sad, she say she very tired and her shoulder very pain. I feeling soo sad for her too. She then say to me, "Can u massaging me? I pay u many many baht! U massaging me long time.. ok?" Buddha say we must do good, whether or not peepur give us many baht. So I say, "Yes miss.. I massaging u."

Then she bring me in her nice big red Mazda 3 and take me somewhere very lonely. In the car, she say her name is Mazmasan. I didn't know what meaning Mazmasan? And then she say to massaging her in the car. The car's name is Miura. So we go to the backseat of Miura and I massaging her long time. After we finish, she then smile very funnily and say, "Megato... taking your clothes off for me... I pay u more more baht".

I say,"No! Buddah say cannot take off clothing for any baht." Suddenly Mazmasan very angry! And then a man called Mr. Shahril come from behind and catch me. I struggle very hard but I am only young supple Thai boy, no strong at all. Finally Mazmasan raping me!! It was sooo PAINFUL.. i cry many tears but Mazmasan no stop raping me. After she taking my virginity, they put me in the boot and bring me back to Singapore.

She say to me, "I pay u many many baht already... now u making me many many Singapore Dollar". Everyday after 3pm, she come home and then bring me in Miura to selling my body. I have been many months in Singapore and forcing to sell my body to many many old lady. One hour $50. She take all money and feed me leftovers. My body now no more supple and my poopy hole very painful... old ladies very rough with me, they do many funny thing and use many funny toys. She run a business called, "Thai boy fun for thai thai on wheels".

They all use my body in Miura while Mazmasan drive them around East Coast for nice scenery... very much like Bangbus.com. Everyday I cry at night lonely on the kitchen floor. She make me call her Princess Tinkerbelle and Mr. Shahril I must call Master Shahril and they treat me like slave at home. I must cleaning their house very clean if not they beating me and tie-ing me with chain to the balcony. One day, Mazmasan change her marketing strategy to attracting more customer. She shaving my head and call me "Budak Centre". She say many many thai thai like to play with budak centre.

So when she needing more money she call her clients and say, "Eh korang nak main budak centre tak?" When I hear that I very scared. The thai thai that like budak centre role play very much kinky and they bring many friend. They like rubbing my bald head and make me do many thing while wearing dog chain and beating me.

This is my Miura experience... HELPING ME PLEASE! My life very hard, my behind very pain and my head very red. I wanting go back Thailand... Whoever reading this please helping me! If you seeing red shiny Mazda 3 with little thai boy at back, please stop car and setting me free... I give u movie ticket and free dinner.

Budak Centre Role Playing Mazmasan and China thai thai having her way with me

Sharing is Caring...

2006-06-23T03:02:00.000+08:00

Ok this is may sound a little contrasting but it's my blog, I'll bitch if I want to. Why am I becoming such a girl?..

Anyway, I thought I'd tell anyone who's willing to listen about this book I just read. It's really simple but has a powerful message etc etc.. ala "Who Moved My Cheese". It's called Anyway: The Paradoxical Commandments by Kent M. Keith PhD.

Nothing to do with any religion but it made the most sense of life of anything I've read since forever. It basically tells u why he adopted these commandments in life and why it makes sense. These commandments of his became so pervasive that Mother Theresa did a mural on a wall of her orphanage in India with a poetry version of these commandments.

I can't possibly type about all the messages he puts in the book but I'll type the commandments. And so... the 10 Commandments are as follows:

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centred.

Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Do good anyway.

If you are sucessful, you will win false friends and true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.

Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.

Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only the top dog.

Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spends years building may be destroyed overnight.

Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.

Help people anyway.

Give the world your best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.

Give the world the best you have anyway.

So well... you can see why it's called the Paradoxical Commandments, but in the book he explains why it's still better to do good in spite of the consequences. Just to pique your curiousity, for example, with the commandment regarding giving your best he says,

"The cost of giving your best can be high (e.g. backlash of jealousy and rivalry, false accusations etc..). The only thing that costs more is not giving your best. If you aren't giving your best, you aren't who you're supposed to be."

And also..

"If you're not giving the world your best, what world are you saving it for?"

Do digest all this for a while... the book is a very worth while read... anything that can make you stop and think for a while is. He backs his commandments with real-life experiences, many personal examples and puts them in a context that we may relate to daily. It's not a boring theoretical discourse or a pretentious noble guide to an alternative lifestyle or anything like that. Depending on the individual, the book will strike a chord at one point or at several.

Looks like I won't type the "contrasting" part I originally intended to, the entry is getting a little long already. Do try getting your hands on the book, if anything, then just to pass time with a little reading, it's only just over a 100 pages.

PS: I don't get any royalties or kickbacks from promoting this. Just one of the rare moments where one person opens up to another.

Nenek aku ada satu yang rock..

2006-06-23T03:00:00.000+08:00

I can safely say I'm not an internet addict. I haven't been online in over a week and I don't feel any withdrawal... too bad I can't say the same for ciggies. Fucking cigarettes ruining my life. The moment I tell someone I cut down or stopped for a while... like magic I go and buy myself a pack.

Anyway about my nenek, takde yang rock dan pakai combat boots... no matter how hard I wished. My paternal grandma is a gem, but a plain jane kinda gem. The only one on my dad's side of the family that doesn't eat meat other than me, she vegan actually. The woman's got determination. The only woman other than mum and sis that I really care about, so good hearted that if she goes to hell then we're all doomed. The kinda person u'd wish would live forever cos u know a large part of u would die if she went.

But my mum's mum... I didn't know her too well but she was really nice to me whenever I went over to my grandpa's place on that side of the family, about a once a week. She would make me say some hokkien phrases just to make me feel like... u know... part of a hokkien family. She was stuck in a wheelchair for as long as I remember.

The following is kinda personal so I'd appreciate it if u guys don't bugger me about it too much. My dad and I were talking one day and he said that he thinks that grandma of mine may be a gangster... not just a any gangster... some big time gangster. I was like, "Say whud...? Old "Chia Poh" (that's what I called her) stuck in a wheelchair Chia Poh? Gangster?"...

Her husband, my mum's dad, apparently owed some chetty money for which the collateral was half the house. Paying back was put off for many yrs some reason la... I don't wanna know... but the chetty and his/her goons never hounded my grandad for it. But when my "Chia Poh" passed away, God rest her soul, they sent some little goons over to my grandad's house the moment they put her in the ground. I was a little kid at the time but I remembered some details.

An unpleasant situation to say the least, like in the deal, they occupied half the house. So my dad figured that all these yrs they nvr hounded my grandad but the moment my "Chia Poh" died, they went in. 2 + 2 = they musta been REALLY afraid of my "Chia Poh". So these little thugs stayed in one half of the same house my grandad lived in. One of them got really rude and a little tough on one of the family members, oopsie... teeny weeny mistake.

Apparently my dad... ye betul... bapa aku... bukan kaki pukul... tapi... ada gangster connections jugak! Also dun wan to know why/how come... but he got some thugs he knew and roughed up the goons that dared be rough with his wife's family members. Apparently also, the goons my dad knew were bigger than the goons in the house so they knew where they stood. They were pretty nice from then. Anyway that ancient debt was settled easily enough after it was found out and the goons needn't come with all their gestapo and occupy my grandad's place.

So yeah... suspicions are that my "Chia Poh" musta been big time for the chetty's goons to not bother them for like... decades, over money some more. Chetty not hounding u for money u owe? The thought of u must be just a little frightening to him. Yeah... dun pray pray, my grandma no rock.. but gangster k!! Dun mess with me man... I tell my grandma ah!

PS: My dad's sadly not a gangster tho.. as much I'd like to tell u guys that my dad is the "don" of the Melaka Chinese Mafia... and that my name is really Luca Braci... the family muscle. Sigh... we all have to be content with our mundane, insignificant lives.

Hidup Bapa Aku Sebagai Seorang KP (Kaki Pukul).

2006-06-23T02:58:00.000+08:00

I'm back in Singapore... sigh... no offence to Singapore but it's one depressing place. Among the places I ran off to during the past one week was Penang where I crashed with a friend for a weekend. I must have gained 5 kilos eating and eating and then looking for more places to eat.
Penang was fun, other than eating like we were preparing to hibernate, we caught 8 below in the cinema, spent 20 bucks in one sitting on video games, caught all the movies I've missed via pirated DVDs and saw Manchester United beat ARSEnal live. Yea.. ARSEnal sucks. So then when we weren't doing all this, we sat down and chilled and talked.

One of the things we talked about is how our fathers brutalized their children and found out that our fathers actually agak brutal. Then my friend said, "Fuuh kalau letak bapak lu sama bapak gua dalam 'hell in the cell" ... lepas tu kita kat tepi sorak... and then kita punya mak pakai bikini jalan tunjuk tu 'Round 1'". Sick bastard... and then he imagined if dulu cikgu sekolah rendah mintak tulis karangan tentang "Bapa Saya", he would write the following:

Hidup Bapa Aku Sebagai Seorang KP (Kaki Pukul).

Bapa saya kerja sebagai seorang kaki pukul. Kerjanya adalah memukul orang. Satu tumbuk 5 ringgit. Kamu boleh mengupahnya untuk memukul orang yang kamu tidak suka. Tetapi kalau kamu tidak bayar, dia akan memukul kamu percuma.

Tiap-tiap pagi bapa saya bangun minum kopi dan berus gigi. Kemudian dia mengasah parang. Selepas mengasah parang dia berlatih tumbuk. Pada pukul 9 bapa aku berlepas untuk kerja. Pada pukul 6, dia akan balik selepas memukul 7 atau 8 anak jahanam. Bapa saya sungguh terkenal. Di sekolah saya tidak pernah diberi kerja rumah atau dirotan. Cikgu pun layan saya dengan baik. Saya tak tahu kenapa.

Kadang-kadang bapa saya juga tidak dapat memukul orang kerana orang itu lebih kuat atau mereka lebih banyak orang. Pada masa itu, dia aka memanggil "backup"... mak aku. Selama ini tidak ada orang yang tak takut kat mak aku. Sekali dia sepak, muka orang itu pasti senget. Bapa aku pun takut kat mak. Pernah sekali dia balik lambat dan mak aku geram nak menyepaknya, bapa aku yang celaka itu menggunakan anaknya, iaitu aku, sebagai pelindung.

Namun pada suatu hari bapa aku mati kerana salah tumbuk. Orang itu ada parang dan bapa aku salah tertumbuk parang itu daripada mukanya. Akhirnya bapa aku mati ditetak. Itulah hidup bapa aku sebagai kaki pukul.

Warning: Self-Righteous Nauseatingly Pretentious Post Ahead

2006-06-23T02:53:00.000+08:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking... about myself (that's what self-centered people do)... a lot of very weird deep searching, retropective thoughts, soul searching and all that rubbish. Can't say I reached anything conclusive, but the ideas other people have about me were interesting. Puts a funny spin on the ideals of "self" that u create for yourself.

Somehow this ambiguous transitional, perhaps formative as well, phase of life has caused a dam to burst and inadvertently forced a deep introspective journey into "self".

It's been a very confusing hazy past few weeks. I always thought that to get an idea of where you're going, it's good to know where you're coming from. I began this strange pondering over my chinese roots, reminiscing over the stories of how my grandad travelled from China that my dad told me, thought about my mother's Peranakan heritage, something she clearly values very dearly.

So am I more mainland Chinese-like or am I more indigenous Straits-Chinese inclined? I cannot tell which of my traits came from where, and worse, some traits seem to have come from no where. None of my parents or relatives seem to have the weird streak I have a propensity for. The more I pondered about who I am, how I am, where I am, the more it just seemed to cause intense confusion that brought about a spell of severe depression.

Then when I wanted to remember, I forgot how I lived the past 20 yrs of my life, and I don't know how I'm going to live the next 20. I don't know if this is common but it is excruciatingly painful to live life with perhaps the biggest uncertainty that can enfold u. Not knowing who/what you are... how will you face tomorrow if you lost yourself yesterday? I discovered that for a long time now I've no ambitions, no real dreams, no identity, and no direction.

I thought a "fresh but familiar" perspective from a childhood friend may help. His answer to my hypothetical "How would you remember me if I died tomorrow?" was "the slightly introverted and deep guy that managed to somehow maintain a wide range of acquaintances". It did help a little bit knowing the ideas that people have about you.

Then I was talking to this girl in my Bahasa Indonesia class, prospective Amazing Race partner but too bad applications are closed, who went backpacking alone in Vietnam. She said if I had gone, I would have received a slew of marriage proposals. I wasn't that surprised, considering the weird encounters I've had, but it was funny to note that even she saw that "quality" in me. Despite being trivial, the little details did help me kind of map out a truer identity of "self".

So in a little effort of self-discovery, I was just curious to know... how the friends I made here in Singapore would remember me... if I died tomorrow. Cheers..Here's to tomorrow.

I turned down a free blowjob.

2006-03-27T20:46:00.000+08:00

As the title suggest, today marks another "milestone" ...so to speak... in my life. I turned down a free blowjob, tho it isn't as noble... or romantic or whatever... as it seems.

I went to JB to get some money out of my M'sian bank acc cos I'm broke, blah blah... urgent need... blah blah and so on. My work place is paying me peanuts, but they hired a monkey anyway. So I was there in the evening so I stuck around for dinner, bought a copy of "The Star", ate mee goreng at an Indian mamak and chilled.

After dinner and after I got updated on the local going-ons, politics and happenings, I walked to customs but to my horror I saw what must have been about 3 million peepur trying to make their way to Singapore. Not exactly a big fan of crowds and very averse to being stuck in constricted spaces filled with drones rushing about their pre-programmed cyclical lives, I went back looking for another mamak to kill about 2 hours (the time I figured the drones would have dispersed and be in their pre-determined, socially constructed, allocated places performing the roles their fascist paymasters brainwashed them to do.... I'm such narcissist non-conformist).

I found some other mamak somewhere, somehow and in about an hour I got bored and had read the newspaper twice over. Not wanting to read the same bullshit and socially-placating govt propaganda a third time, I went looking for customs again. I wasn't very familiar with the area and all I knew that customs was "that way"... So, ape sajalah, walk that way... which somehow or rather led me thru some very badly lit little roads and lorongs.

A little digression, I may seem and dress very sloppy over here but in JB I still looked rather "touristy". I was in shorts, t-shirt and slippers, but it didn't help I had a little sling pouch over my shoulder which kept my passports, etc... probably a giveaway that I wasn't local. Then I saw what was like 3 prostitutes, on the side of the road I was on... I was hoping they wldn't bother me.

No such luck.

P1: Hey boy... mari-mari!

I just smiled and waved a "no" but she kept calling calling and a I felt it rude to just "buat tak tau je", they are after, still people and besides, I've never spoken to a prostitute before so what the hell.

Me: Ya? Ada apa? (Macam tak tau je ade ape...)

P1: Marilah! Apa takut... mari mari! Wah lu... handsome la... mana pergi? Eh! Dekatlah... jangan takut... Mau "service"? (Opens her mouth with that hand motion...)

Me: Oh nolah... I don't have much money (I was slightly nervous and began mixing english and malay).

P1: U pay wat u want. Come! Come!

Me: Nebermind la...late already. I need to go home. (I couldn't think of a better excuse, I wonder what she would have said if I said I got gerrfren already.)

P1: Where u stay? Come! Come! Ok?

And then she grabs my arm put it close to her breasts and I led me to a REALLY dark lorong to do me a "service". I realised it was now or never and I could be in some serious danger... or seriously molested. So without being too rude I wiggled away while simultaneously muttering no, no, no, no...

Then P2 steps in...

P2: Eh where u go... marilah! Come come... handsome la lu...

Me: No, no it's ok... I dun have money...

P2: U nevermind... for u free! Lu lanjiao besar tak? Wah u handsome lah!.. Come come... I give u free.

Gua jalan cepat-cepat...

Tempting... thanks but no thanks. Those girls were old... late thirties pushing forty. And in my confusion, I later realised they may not even been women. But it was an experience nonetheless, how many of u can say u've spoken to prostitutes... they look nothing like the coyote ugly girls as we imagine them to be.

A bit tickled by the event I sms'ed my friend:

"Yo bhuto... gua kat JB skrg. Gua cakap sama lu, tadi ada prostitute offer gua free blowjob. Dia cakap pasal gua handsome. Lu ada tak?"

The jealous bastard said:

"Jangan-jangan dia buka, lu tiga hari tak mandi, konek lu sudah basi..." but concluded he was proud to be my friend. Whatever lah... 2 kali 5.

How do I get myself into these things? God must have some really funny purpose in life for me... or made one person with no purpose at all... just to see what happens.

It's also strange how it's near impossible for me to get a girlfriend (not that I try...) but have no problems attracting prostitutes and transvestites. Muka aku muka cam tu ke? Why are ladies experiencing some weird mid-life crisis and men becoming/become ladies attracted to me?? Do I have this boy-toy sex object aura? I attract the attention of prostitutes, transvestites, sales promoters, mid-life aunties... awek-awek 20-an kat mane?? Jubor...

Anyway, this is one more experience to add my rich and weird/perverted collection. If peepur ask if I'm handsome or think I'm handsome... I can say yes... "free blowjob" kind of handsome.

Of nightmares and sleep

2006-03-27T20:45:00.000+08:00

Sleep is to everyone... a precious commodity. At times we get enough or too much and in some critical times... too little or none. Nevertheless, if you belong the genus called homo, you will need sleep.

Maybe it isn't right to simply say we need sleep. We need the rest that sleep provides. Without that daily rest, it is more than conceivable that a person may soon expire... permanently. So, maybe it's more correct to say we need "restful sleep".

Sleep that is generally peaceful throughout, so that your body is replenished as well as your mind. Maybe that's what everybody means when they refer to "sleep". Taking for granted the mechanism and natural cycle of the body to replenish itself is a sinful thing.

Especially when nightmares pervade your sleep and you wake up mostly not knowing where you are.... Perhaps it's better not to sleep...

Good night..

Renungan yang celaka gile babi...

2006-03-20T15:26:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt,
that the sun set differently today?
As if it set... without you in mind.

Today the sun forgot about you.
And it went away without a goodbye,
or to tell you that night will be kind.

As with the sun,
so did the sky turn it's back.
Not letting you know, if to stay in or go out.

And then you find,
just suddenly you were left behind,
and so many things were you left without.

Have you ever felt,
that as everything just went along,
and then just as simply, everyone was gone?

Like the one mongrel,
in the midst of fitful unrest,
becomes austere, lonely and forlorn.

Have you ever felt,
ever so empty,
in this strange void of unfamiliarity?

You don't know how,
or even what, and mostly why
you've been trapped in everybody else's apathy.

You don't know what put you here,
but maybe you know,
just what you might need to escape this test.

And so you try and try,
again with your best,
and did everything with nothing less.

Just as the sky smiles again,
and the sun casts a ray,
you fall short and flounder to slowly discover.

That at your best you stumble,
and then the sun will set,
and the sky will turn it's back.

You call out very loud,
with a mind filled with doubt,
"Why with the sun and the sky?"

"That if try and blunder,
that everything is drawn asunder."
Your being and person, suddenly despised.

What with the hopes,
rife with resonating harmony,
abused, rejected, covered in blight.

And so the question asks itself...

Have you ever felt...
like the day the sun and the sky,
could not care... if you lived or died..

Sspprraaaayy...

2006-03-20T15:23:00.000+08:00

There is a certain person that has been checking out my blog whose nickname has intrigued me for the longest time. Dude... I'm done trying to figure out why u call yourself that or the origins of your nickname. I must admit that you have perhaps the most interesting and enigmatic nickname among the bunch of "multipliers" I know. I have some free time now and need to just get away from work. Here's how I think your nickname came about.

Pada zaman dahulu kala... di rantau yang jauh sekali, hidup seorang budak yang mulanya biasa, tetapi untuk sebab-sebab yang tidak diketahui, rumahnya dipenuhi tumbuhan and bunga-bunga yang tidak terkira banyaknya. Sebenarnya, orang tuanya fanatic bunga dan memegang kepercayaan bahawa segala kehidupan asalnya dan akhirnya dengan bunga. Mereka percaya bahawa bunga dan tumbuhan punya nadi, jiwa dan sukma.

Budak tersebut langsung tidak mempercayai dan tidak memegang segala kepercayaan orang tuanya, namun bila berusia 6 tahun, dia diberi tugas menyiram semua bunga di rumah. Bingitnya dia bila diberitahu. Disebabkan kepercayaan orang tuanya, tumbuhan dan bunga tidak boleh sewenang-wenangnya disiram menggunakan air paip dan hos. Semua bunga kena direnjiskan air dengan perlahannya menggunakan air dalam botol dengan suatu alat "spray" yang membuat bunyi "ppffsssstttt..."

Oleh kerana bunga di rumahnya banyak tidak terkira, itulah kerjanya sepanjang hari... SETIAP HARI. Dari subuh hingga malam dia "men-spray" bunga dan di rumahnya selalu kedengaran bunyi "ppffsssstttt... ppfssssttt... ppffsssssttt...". Tugasnya untuk menyiram bunga mengambil masa sepanjang hari, setiap hari... dia tiada masa bergaul, bermain atau berbual dengan kawan-kawannya.

Hanya pada hujung minggu, dia mempunyai masa 2 jam untuk bersosialisasi namun dia tidak banyak kawan kerana sesiapa yang tidak disukainya akan dispraykan. Seperti:

Kawan A: Eh apasal lu bawa spray tu?
Budak spray: ppppsssfffftttt...!!

Kawan B: Oi.. budak bunga!!
Budak spray: pppsssfffttt...!!

Kawan C: Eh... Kenap...
Budak spray: pppsssffttt...!!

Pada suatu hari, ketika men-spraykan bunga di bumbung rumahnya (ya... bumbung di rumahnya berbunga juga), dia tidak berhati-hati dan terpijak bunga tahi ayam yang licin dengan selipar kopaknya lalu jatuh tersungkur ke tanah. Bila dia sedar, dia bertekad tidak mahu menyiram, merenjis, men-spray bunga buat seumur hidupnya! Dia amat benci kepercayaan orang tuanya dan benci semua bunga dan tumbuhan.

Keesokan harinya, dia meninggalkan rumah bunganya itu dan memulakan agamanya sendiri yang anti-bunga. Oleh kerana seumur hidupnya dia selalu membawa alat spray itu, dia percaya bahawa umat manusia akan diselamatkan oleh alat spray. Maka, penganut-penganut agamanya menyembah semua alat dan kegiatan spray, dan dia mengelarkan dirinya sebagai, The Lord of Spray Thingy.... atau... Spraylord.

Hey man... with a name like Spraylord... this story could just as well be true... heh heh... but no offence intended man. Cheers.

Oh what the hell...

2006-03-20T15:20:00.000+08:00

Oh what the hell... since ALL of cyberspace is... technically our/my audience, let's pretend that we (actually just me) lead exciting gile babi punya lives and make up a story to feed our (my) egos and make us (me) look cool and down... like a clown, charlie brown..

Huaah... I tell u ah... today ah... I stopped a bank robbery ah!! This afternoon ah... I went to do some terlansaksyen at the bank la. Just bank in some money la... a little bit only... like $50,000 dorrer small profit that my small business made in one day la.. My business small-small one only... we just dig some holes in the sea... here and there and export something call oil la... nobody buy one, just some gahmen of some countries like Singlapoh, Merlaysial, even some place call United Sedates. Then sometimes I play this not famous share market like dat call Forex... no big deal one.

Anyway hor, then ah huah... this 5 or 6 beeg peepur with beeg guns ah come and kau peh dunno wat and then everyone panic. Then I reealize that the bank was being robbed man! Wahh... I think... Kaninau bu.. bloody pai kia want to steal peepur hard earn $5/hr pay? Peepur work soo hard then give u steal? No way man! I decided to "hoot" them.

First I analyse... got 6 peepur... all big-big... got gun some more... One point gun at cashier, 2 become "crowd control", 2 collect money, then one jaga pintu. I decided to utilize my black belt 3rd dan in Karate on the "crowd control" pai kias.. I fly and double kick both... immediate lights out... then I aim the one point gun at cashier. Using my capoeira that I learn when I spent 3 yrs in Brazil while training with their soccer team, I twist, shake, roll and show my pattern on the fella. Coma 6 mths!

The next immediate threat was the jaga pintu one... but he too far away. Then I remember my moves when choreographing martial arts for matrix, that it is actually possible to move like lighting and that time is just a frame of mind... so using the moves I taught Keanu, i took out the jaga pintu. All this took 2 seconds... by that time the 2 collecting money one became awares that they were being "hoot"ed and saw I far too skill for them. So one of them grab this si beh chio bu, that look like a replica of Carmen Elektra and the other one start shooting at me.

HUUAHH... using a chio bu as protection??!! Really no gentleman this peepur... I steam kao kao liao. The guy use his si beh big machine gun and try to aim me... but I run along and ON the wall and bicycle kick his face. Seeing that he was alone, the last pai kia grab the chio bu even harder and had his arm across her boobies! and then start shooting also... I wanted to save the chio bu but I saw one bullet heading straight for Lee Hsien Loong man! Who happen to be doing his daily banking that day.

Then I think... of my Ah Pa who was Secret Service Agent and fail to protect JFK... we have him to thank for 5 day week ah!! Cannot let him die! So I jump... everything slow mo now... it's too late to flick the bullet away... so I do my "Magnum" face and "Blue Steel" the bullet... which stopped and dropped right there... Then the last pai kia stunn orready. I walk slow slow toward him... like Keanu Leef with a trench coat, flick my hair back and say..., "Do u feel rucky... punk?"

Before he can do anything... I take him out like OJ took out his wife and grab the chio bu before she fall down, and into my strong arms... Then hor... everyone, like just finish watch the best drama of their life... stand up and applaud me. Then the chio bu, who turn out to be really Carmen Elektra, grab me and Flench Kiss me like no tomorrow. She even put my hand on her booty. Then Lee Hsien Loong got up, thank me and give me 50 dorrer. I say no need la, just doing my job... and told him to do a good just of running the country also. He wanted to make today public holiday but I told him no need. Your gratitude is enuff hor?

Then Carmen Elektra have to rush for shooting and told me to go find her later in Paris where she will negotiate "repayment" hur hur... I say ok since I have to go to Paris later for business... Seeing that I was so skilled in martial arts and so chamming.. she ask me to play the lead with her in her next movie called, "I fell in love with an Asian spy". I told her...

"I have to think about it la..."

U know............... U Know?

2006-03-14T23:50:00.001+08:00

U know when you feel like blogging but really don't have anything to blog about? Especially because your life is so mundane and so uninteresting that the most exciting part of your day is lunch. Which by the way, was in Johor and had no meat. I dont even eat meat, how lame is that?
So you want to blog, but can't... there's nothing to blog about. But you need to blog because (being the lame person that you are) blogging just happens to be the only outlet and avenue for frustration, and/or expression. You need to pretend to be creative, poetic, maybe even a linguist, and through your blog entires try to imagine that you actually have an audience. Whom you hope will affirm your imaginary qualities, because you basically just need attention.

It becomes more and more of an addiction as you slowly and structurally create this imaginary world where you're a superstar and The literary genius and you're the excitement in everyone's lives. And then, when you need a fix the most, you have nothing to blog about. Oh sweet irony... I need to blog for a fix and maintain my cyber ego but my life is actually so lame... Oh fate, how thou doest mocketh me... Life has been the same since Abraham but I must make it seem "dope"! Ya dig?

You absolutely need to blog (for all aforementioned reasons) or you'll die but yet, yet... life is just lame... Have you ever had one of those days? Just one of those days... u know.... oh, You Know?

The Story of MEgat bin MEntal

2006-03-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

MEgat bin MEntal was born in the quiet, sleepyhollow backwoods of Urbanopia in a village called Kampung Kurang Glam. He grew up in Kampung Kurang Glam, living day by day carefree as he always would, collecting leaves and blowing up pinecones, not knowing anything that went on in nearby Urbanopia. The going-ons in Urbanopia interest him as he watched a singular light flicker, the resonant hustle and bustle of activity, and tall swinging structures... day by day.

One day while fishing for otters, he decided once and for all that he would go to Urbanopia and leave behind the monotony of Kampung Kurang Glam. His family voiced their reservations and concern for their one pineapple short of a fruitcake son, travelling all by himself a relatively long distance for a narrow minded person, a whole literal 9 yards it took to reach the land of Urbanopia. But MEgat son of MEntal was adamant, insisting that he had "come of age" and it was time for him to seek his fate and fortune. Such big ambitions... and words... for a little boy with a little known affliction called "retardation".

So he packed 3 days worth of otter-meat sandwiches, leaf underwear, squirrel leather shoes and a racoon for the entire 9 yard trip. There was no map available in Kampung Kurang Glam about Urbanopia because no map-maker wanted their maps sold there, nothing much of anything in Kampung Kurang Glam cept for pinecones and otters. So little MEgat followed a little flickering light that he saw everyday from Urbanopia, hoping it would eventually lead him there. He thought of the light as a faraway celestial directional guide, much like the north star, not thinking that it was possible to physically come across it... until the light bumped into him.

The flickering light emanated from a strange being he had never seen before... it was small, round and flighty... and it was called a "Kunangman". The Kunangman didn't talk much but was friendly enough, but most of the time he was more interested in synchronizing the flickering of his light to the rhythm of a buzzing melodic sound which he made by flapping little digits on his wings while he flew around. So little MEgat and Kunangman became somewhat melodic-specific friends and he brought him around for the rest of the 8 yards in a bottle.

A yard and an otter sandwich later, he found another curious creature, or rather the creature found him. It came out of nowhere and most unexpectedly, as it was accustomed to doing, and buggered MEgat. It introduced itself as a "Tinkerbelle" and welcomed him to "never never land". She explained (without being asked) that she awaited her prince to take her away to some unfathomable land of happiness and bliss and wondered if MEgat knew of any. MEgat said that he actually knew of a few suitable candidates but an association with Kampung Kurang Glam put out the sparkle in her eyes. But she tagged along anyway and became Kunangman's avenue for complaining about melody-light synchronizing despite her not understanding a word.
Along with Tinkerbelle was a kindred-creature called a "Munahsaurus" which was very much like the Tinkerbelle but to a slightly less degree. The Munahsaurus had more of an inclination to violence and was well equipped with devastating crippling techniques. But despite it's propensity for violence the Munahsaurus was somewhat neat and couldn't help but put MEgat's sandwiches, leaf underwear and racoon in some sort of systematic order. This irked MEgat and he was glad when the next morning she was gone, but she took the bottle containing the "Kunangman" with her.

It wasn't long before MEgat met another interesting creature. It was swinging very adroitly from tree to tree making a curious whooping sound. MEgat decidedly wanted just be on his way but the Tinkerbelle, lacking a creature to play Aunt Agony to, called out to it and the creature swung its way to MEgat and Tinkerbelle. It introduced itself as "Prof. Si-ah Mang" and was very wise indeed when it came to sanitation and waste disposal. Prof. Si-ah-Mang was head of World Toilet College of Urbanopia (ref blog entry: Prof Mang) and knew much about properly disposing organic waste. He introduced them to his wife, a pretty little "white-wife tiger" named Aixa, whom despite being an albino, was abnormally interested in colours and was in fact a contender in the famous Urbanopia Colouring Contest. They were much too busy with college and preparing for the colouring contest that they left MEgat and Tinkerbelle after their cordial introduction.

Tinkerbelle had just about had enough of walking when they came across a "real Shah". For a moment it seemed like there were sparks between Tinkerbelle and the Shah and she exclaimed, "Oh well... if I can't find a prince perhaps a Shah will do just as well." MEgat observed that a lot of dilly-dallying went on between them which didn't seem to go anywhere but somehow ended in the shared purchase a strange transportation device. Tinkerbelle was so esctatic by the new device that she kept repeating, "This Maz be for Ril"... whatever that means, must be tired from all the walking. They were going to offer MEgat a ride to Urbanopia but when the Shah heard that he came from Kampung Kurang Glam, the Shah decided that he didn't want MEgat in his new gadget after all.

Since MEgat had already gone 6 yards and had only 3 left, he didn't fret not getting the ride much. Walking along slowly, he had just only noticed that his racoon had died but instead of discarding it, he decided to keep it... it made him feel like a pioneer or a frontiersman. Just as he was thinking it, his thoughts were interuppted by an endless chattering that seemed to grow louder and louder as a shape in the distance began to take clearer shape. To MEgat's dismay he saw that it was the Munahsaurus... but not quite... when he finally came close to it, it was very much like but not the same. He found himself speaking to an "Edinasaurus".

In the same way that the Munahsaurus was similar to the Tinkerbelle but not quite, the Edinasaurus was also similar to the Munahsaurus but not quite. The Edinasaurus didn't quite have the same propensity for violence, but was very much chattier and equally as vain. After travelling 7 yards MEgat had learnt about variety and similarity and how variety can exist in similar and likewise. After a one-sided introduction in which Edinasaurus did all the talking, MEgat and her became friends and companions for the rest of the trip. It took about 2 steps and 786,457,349 words later by Edinasaurus that MEgat began to regret his decision.

Her banter and constant chattering cluttered his mind so much that he almost stumbled and fell over this creature that was lying right across the path. Awakened after almost being tripped upon, the curious creature introduced himself as "Snig" (short for Snake-Pig) and had a rather delightful way of introducing himself, "Hi, I'm Snig!" he said, "I sleep like a snake but eat like a pig. I'm always really beat, and there's nothing I won't eat." Which caused a small amount of concern for MEgat because he wondered if Snig would eat him. So he stepped behind Edinasaurus, hoping if Snig was hungry he would go for her instead. Curiously, Edinasaurus, for some reason, began doing a salsa and Snig was completely stirred from his sleep.

MEgat quietly left before they began making out and left his dead racoon as a gift to them which Snig made into a tissue box. And so MEgat walked the last yard by himself and took the opportunity to reflect upon the last 8 yards of his journey. At every yard, he had met most curious creatures which he felt could not have been more different from each other and yet, could not have been more alike. Each had coloured their encounter with their own brand of personality... and irritability. He felt that his trip, despite his family's concern, had been worthwhile and looked forward to finally reaching Urbanopia, seeing and experiencing what he had done a for long time only from afar.

He began to walk faster and faster all thru the last yard until he was met with a sign that said, "Welcome to Urbanopia". MEgat felt a tremendous amount of pride and a great sense of achievement until... he saw that the landscapes beyond the sign, were nothing but the same... like the last 9 yards. MEgat was devastated. He had all but finished his otter sandwiches, used his last pair of leaf underwear and gave away his racoon. For once in his life, he had finally gone the whole 9 yards and ended up with nothing. He finally came to the realization of something that must been painfully obvious to others:

"I must have been absolutely MENTAL to have made this trip."

There was nothing in Urbanopia...

The flickering light had been Kunangman, resonance of hustle and bustle had been the combination of Tinkerbelle, Munah and Edinasaurus, and the swinging structures had been Prof. Mang swinging from tree to tree in his effort to disseminate proper sanitation advice. The Shah, Aixa the white tiger, and snig were respectively too busy acquiring property, practicing colouring, and too idle for MEgat to have noticed all the way from his kampung. But the rest he had noticed and thought to be Urbanopia.

He had reached Urbanopia and found nothing.

In order to go the whole 9 yards, he finished or lost most of possessions, missed the company of his family, missed the joy of his carefree life, and most of all he missed blowing up pinecones. He had wanted his ritual of "coming of age" to culminate in the rich experiences he imagined to be in Urbanopia, none of which had happened. He had never felt so much less of man and was more dissapointed than he had ever been. There was no Urbanopia for him to "come of age"... or rather, there was nothing in it and he had travelled the whole 9 yards for nothing.

Or did he?

He realized at that moment that he had actually "reached" Urbanopia. He had met the citizens that made up Urbanopia!... all of Urbanopia, and learnt another lesson. He had learnt that Urbanopia wasn't where he was now, Urbanopia was in the 9 yards he had travelled. With that he wondered if there was more in the journey and anything at all in the destination. With this now he didn't feel so bad and didn't regret the trip so much. He was quite glad to have met the denizens of Urbanopia, they each had added colour to a palatte that was now pretty colourful. A palette which would inevitably stay with him for the rest of his life.

Still, he couldn't help but feel a pinch of dissapointment with himself for being so foolish, not knowing all he had known now. MEgat bin MEntal wondered if he should go another whole 9 yards to go home...

Subtle Imitations...

2006-03-08T03:11:00.000+08:00

I realised in a rather real way recently, that the visual media can actually influence your person quite... deeply and quite subtly... I figure I need to lay off episodes of a certain animated series when I noticed this...

Ginvera-Eversoft War of the Blackheads.

2006-03-08T03:08:00.000+08:00

I was unbelievably broke, I only just got some money from peppur who utang-mengutang me quite a bit, phew... Till yesterday I had to my sad name only $2.40. About $1 in the bank, $0.80 in my cash card, and $0.60 in coins. And true to habit, the moment I have money from being absolutely destitute, half of it is already gone. Oklah not half, but well money I shldn't have spent. Today I got caught between an arguement between 2 promoters.

I went to NTUC cos I needed conditioner. Forgetting that there were Promo-Predators about, I stood for quite a while staring at the conditioner shelf. Pretending to be oblivious while listening to MP3s doesn't work, I got "caught" by one lady promoter-predator who peddled a brand of conditioner she was obviously promoting called Prefers TM. I used that brand of 'papaya shampoo for scalp care' previously and liked it, so what the hell, okie dokie lah. $4.20 only whud..

Then she said, "You want blackhead remover or not? Now got promotion, 20%. U got blackhead leh.., come I intro u one.." I was going, "Wah thanks for noticing my blackheads man..." Oh btw, all this was in Chinese which, u know... I OCBC (orang cheena bukan cheena). If you're wondering, I can speak some. My mandarin is very proficient at the hawker centre, ALL food terms I know orreaddy. Conditioner and blackhead remover terms still to be desired..

Then then, she showed me la this Eversoft WHITE, Lumi-White Tri-Actif System which lightens protects renews, a Blackhead Remover MIRACLE GEL with UV protection ookaay. Normal price $16.50 after discount only $13.20 u knooe. Not really willing to spend $16.50, $13.20 after discount, I told her la,

"Accherly ah, I got use before this other blackhead remover, gleen color one. No good u know. SEE... my blackhead all still there!"

Their promo training must have covered how to tackle lame excuses like these. I went home $13.20 poorer with a product I don't have the discipline to use regularly so that I have lighter, protected, renewed skin with UV Protection okkay. She argued that,

"This one different brand, Eversoft Good!"

Her: Very simple one, u just make sure ur face dry ah... make sure hoh! Then just apply and rub slowly (and puts some on the back of my hand and rubs it).

Me: But I orready got facial wash, scrub, toner, moisturiser, and TWO facial mask ah. Not too much meh?

They're obviously taught that too many products is not a problem. Her following arguements were too "expert" for me to refute ah. Resigned to losing $13.20, oklah aiyah, buy lah. Maybe I wan lighter, renewed, protected, blackhead free skin with UV protection anyway. I was half thinking of leaving the thing on some shelf far far away and don buy, but all the aunties she missed pitching the sale to me made me feel a bit bad.

Then tak serik serik, I still wondered around the hair/facial product aisle when I found that 'gleen colour one I use last time'.. Ginvera Marvel Gel! So just for fun, I took it and showed it to her and said a bit too loudly,

"Ah helo! This one larr.. I say just now, I use before, No Good one! U sure your one can use or not?"

Then the promoter who's promoting Ginvera of course heard la. She later approached with a "whuds wrong with my product hah?" face and said something along those lines while trying to conceal her displeasure. She was more of defending her product than trying to pitch a sale. And went on to inquire my history of facial care practices and products and then concluded, "U must continue use one, if u stop the blackhead sure come back. All oso same."

Then she said (at that point I didnt understand but later at the cashier only realised),
"U accherly wan to buy my product but she (the other promoter, who's prettier/younger) sell u her one is it?"

Then there was a stifled, controlled bitter arguement between them (the other promoter was there all the while) with me very tempted to just buy the Ginvera Marvel Gel package just to placate both promoters but $22.50 is a bit too much for me just to do charity. Then the Ginvera promoter finally reluctantly told me to give the Ginvera one another try in the future with continued use.

So apparently the Ginvera promoter not very happy still and went to lodge a complaint against the Eversoft promoter to the NTUC whatever official for stealing customers or bad mouthing har product or whatever. Halfway lining up at the cashier, the Eversoft promoter pulled me away saying "Come come a while" and asked me to confirm her story to the NTUC lady official or something.

Me: OOrrh... yah... Acchherly I just wan conditioner only, then she intro me this Eversoft Blackhead Remover with UV protection ah! Only $13.20 after discount. I say hor, I use before the Ginvera one, no good. I say Ginvera no good, not she say one. I oso no intend buy the Ginvera Marble Gel, not I wan to buy Ginvera then she say no good then sell me this one. Ahh.. like dat lorr.

NTUC lady: Orrh.. okie.. sorry disturb u ah.

I had to line up again to pay for my conditioner and $13.20 blackhead remover. Even the cashier asked me, what happern ah?

Me: Orh.. I say Ginvera no good, not she say one. Ginvera promoter thot she say one.

Sigh... the lengths I go thru to get UV protection for my skin

I was Molested by a Transvestite!

2006-03-06T22:23:00.000+08:00

I went to Batam today... No.. not for "that" u idiotic perverts. I went on a school trip to learn and practice Bahasa Indonesia. So we left very early morning yada... yada... took ferry... blah blah... did our thing... then went shopping. It was at the shopping mall that the entire level 4 class (my class) decided that we'd all go do our hair... since everything was in Rupiah.

I decided on a wash and cut, but instead got a wash, cut, wash, massage, steam, and wash. When I was getting my hair cut, by a REAL girl, she said something in Indon which I interpreted as, "do u like the cut?". I went, "Ya, ya, ok..." But what she meant was, "Do you want a massage?" which I unwittingly agreed to.

Now there was this transvestite hair dresser in the salon as well, named Kiki. I noticed "her" eyeing me when I was waiting my turn. A friend sitting beside me confirmed it. Disturbing enough.

The REAL girl, after giving me a haircut, asked the other hairdressers around as to who wanted to do the massage I unwittingly requested becos I assume that she didn't know how. The transvestite who was in the middle of doing the hair of one of the girls in my class screeched, "Kiki!! Kiki!!" .... gawd.. no...

I felt sooooo molested ok!!... I had my eyes closed most of the time and pretending it was my Indon lecturer giving me the massage instead... she is pretty hot. With imagination, the massage became bearable. "She" had "her" hands all over me.... sob sob... I asked another male friend who had the same massage from another hair dresser, how far the masseuse went down the front. His only did as far as his shoulders. Mine went and played with the top of my man-tits.

And she said, "Good?"

.......

And then she massaged my arms... I seriously didn't know that, that was involved. "She" rubbed my manly somewhat tough arms up and down and then slipped "her" fingers into mine... I suppose it was part of the massage but... heeeeeee...... I wanted to cry... Then I dunno if there's a space constraint or something but she flipped my wrists up and down and my fingers brushed against "her" tits....a few times!!! ....muuummmmy....

When she was doing my head, she pressed her groin against my masculine shoulders, once on the left, once on the right... and then she left me for quite a while with my head in the steaming machine. Then she finally got me to the hair wash area and apologized for making me wait and then said, "Marah ya?"

Me: Oh no no... tak marah, tak marah...

Then she said something which I interpreted as I only looked not angry on the outside but actually angry inside...

Me: Ehheh... heh... heh.. hurr... (sheepish dopey laughter...)

And then she styled my hair, but couldn't do much cos the haircut I got from the real girl was so bad.. then she said, "Handsome yah?"...

Me: Ehheh... heh... heh... yah...

Throughout the entire ordeal I did my best to maintain somesort of stoic countenance but my face really wanted to do like the pic above

Kerja Rumah

2006-03-05T22:33:00.000+08:00

Tulis sebuah karangan lebih kurang 250 patah perkataan tentang satu aktiviti yang kamu bersama kawan-kawan kamu lakukan baru-baru ini.

Pada hari Ahad yang lepas, saya dengan kawan-kawan saya, Maz, Dina, Si Ah Mang, Aisyah, Shahril dan makwe-nya yang cina yang saya tidak tahu namanya pergi ke Zoo. Kami berjanji untuk bertemu di luar zoo pada pukul 1 tengah hari, tetapi sialnya mereka semua lambat 2 jam. Walaupun lambat, mereka tidak rasa pun apa-apa malu dan tidak peduli untuk minta maaf.

Pada pukul 3, kami semua pun berjalan masuk ke zoo. Tujuan kami pergi ke zoo hari itu adalah untuk melihat mascot baru zoo Singapura kerana Ah Meng si zirafah sudah mati. Haiwan mascot baru itu dipanggil Zainal, si "Babilar", satu binatang yang makan macam babi dan tidur macam ular. Saya tidak pernah dengar akan haiwan yang sial macam itu, tetapi itulah tujuan kami ke zoo.

Setibanya di kurungan babilar, kami terus pergi ke hadapan untuk melihatnya. Babilar itu serupa babirusa, tetapi mempunyai rambut afro dan walaupun ia bernama Zainal, ia berwarna hitam seperti Bangla. Kami pada mulanya berasa ghairah dan gembira melihat Zainal, tetapi si Babilar itu tidak berbuat apa-apa. Ia hanya terbaring tunggang terbalik di atas batu setengah mati sambil bermain dengan afronya.

Kami semua mulai beredar untuk melihat binatang lain tetapi Dina untuk sebab-sebab yang ganjil tidak mahu mengikut kami tetapi mahu bermain sama babilar itu. Kami pun berjalan melihat haiwan-haiwan sehingga sampai ke kawasan "small mammals" bila kita teringat Dina. Kami balik ke kurungan babilar dan mendapati Dina masih melambai-lambai tangan dan berbuat bunyi-bunyi tak senonoh kat babilar itu. Babilar itu masih terbaring atas batu.

Babilar itu tidak bergerak langsung sehingga kami memberi makan kepada haiwan lain. Babilar itu pun bingit kami tidak memberi makan kepadanya. Zainal si babilar membuat bunyi marahnya yang bermula dengan nada yang rendah dan berakhir dengan nada tinggi. Dia tak terhenti-henti memekik kerana ingin makan biskut oreo saya. Saya tidak ingin membazir oreo saya kerana oreo saya mahal dan babilar itu sudah gemuk gedempul.

Namun, Dina terus merampas oreo saya dan membuang kesemuanya ke babilar itu. Babilar itu terus memakan semua oreo saya kecuali satu yang tersangkut kat afronya. Setelah habis makan 50 keping oreo dalam 3.4 saat, babilar itu terbaring untuk tidur semula. Ia tidak bergerak atau pun menghirau kami dan Dina. Dina, yang sudah geram kerana menghabiskan masa 5 jam untuk mengambil perhatian babilar itu, melompat seperti katak tercucuk duri, masuk ke kurungan babilar dan menculik babilar itu balik.

Pekerja-pekerja zoo berkejar mendapatkan babilar itu balik tetapi Dina berjaya menghilangkan diri di kawasan "small mammals". Bila ditanya, kami semua kata kami tidak kenal Dina dan kami biarkan dia ikut kami kerana kami sangka dia gila. Selepas hari itu, kami tidak bertemu Dina dan tidak tahu di mana dia berada sejak dia menjadi "Singapore Zoo's Most Wanted" kerana mencuri babilar. Itulah aktiviti saya bersama kawan-kawan baru-baru ini.

Terima Kasih

FRUUSSSS GILEEERR!!!

2006-02-16T10:53:00.000+08:00

WAAHHH!!! FRUSS!!! I have HAD IT with CHINAMEN/WOMEN!! Sometimes they are like semi-retarded!! And statistics say there are OVER A BILLION OF THEM!! WAARRGGHHH!!!

My chinese sucks I know... but I can speak some and understand the most part of a simple conversation. But I cannot UNDERSTAND their accent!! It's like they don't use their tongue but wobble their jaws up and down to get whatever sound they want. Today all I wanted was a popiah... just a bloody popiah... it's only a popiah....

On my way back from class, I wanted a light snack to fill my tummy so that I don't like faint or anything on the courts since we're having a match later. So I stopped at YIH (some place that has food among other things) and saw, ideally, that the western food stall has somehow become a popiah stall. It had a sign now that said, "Popiah $0.80".

Just my luck to have some Chinaman manning the stall, instead of the usual nice LOCAL aunty who sells my fav Fish and Chips. So I went up to him and said, "Wo yao yi ge popiah, da bao". Then the idiot went... "Huh?". Causing me repeat in my very awkward chinese, "Wo yao yi ge popiah, da bao:.

Him: Huh?
Me: Popiah? U know... popiah?
Him: Huh?
Me: Popiah!! What else is it called??

Finally the aunty from the fruit stall next door came to our rescue.

Aunty: Bao bing, bao bing!Him: OOrrh... Bao bing!

Whatever good brain cells I have left in my head were going, "What the hell is bao bing?? The bloody sign said 'POPIAH! $0.80'!! How the hell do u NOT KNOW what popiah is when YOU HAVE A SIGN that says VERY CLEARLY: POPIAH!! $0.80!!" HUuaaahh... Stress...The bloody chinaman truly didn't know what popiah is when I thought he was actually fucking with me.

To make matters worse... he must have been the SLOWEST chinaman to make a popiah on God's Green Earth. Kaninabu!! He must have taken at least 3-4 minutes to just spread the popiah skin properly. He, like some warped artist, kept adjusting the popiah skin over and over again until it must have somehow seemed aesthetically pleasing to him. And it seemed to me like he took a moment to savour or appreciate his work after putting each ingredient. Fucking arsehole.. it's just a bloody "bao bing"! It's MY bloody "bao bing".

I was just hoping then he wouldn't speak again because I really wouldn't know what to do then... or what to throw at him. Just when I was thinking it, he wobbled his bloody gap and asked if I wanted chilli. For moment maybe we established some sort of tele-kinetic understanding, and I just understood whatever he was warbling at me or maybe logically it was the stage to put the chilli in the popiah, I don't know... but a simple "Yao." seemed to work.

I dunno if he didn't understand da bao in the beginning but again he mumbled something that sounded like a Wiccan Witches curse at me, which with a lot of restraint, I finally understood as "You eating here or take away?".

Me: Oh Good Lord in Heaven.. take away please!! Never in here!! Not where thou warbling curses are in abundance!!

Then suddenly the next door fruit stall aunty said, "Ni yo fang chai mah?"

Him: . . . . . .

He wanted to unwrap the bloody popiah to put in whatever it was he forgot. If the aunty didn't stop I would have.

Aunty: Pao liao suan le.. pu yong fang...

Son of a bitch... all this trouble for a bloody popiah and it's missing something.. Then the best part is the bloody chinaman like... doesn't want my money. He said "80 cents" and so I put out my hand with a dollar in it to pay him but nooooooo....

He die-die must clear the chopping board first... remove his gloves first... wipe the counter... put back the ladle... put back the knife... put back the extra plastic bag he accidentally took out... untie his apron... WAH LAU EH!!! Take my fucking money!!! I just want the bloody popiah... Is it SOOO MUUCH TO ASK? Then feeling frustrated as hell... I walked back to my room to calm down and eat my popiah... which I found out... tasted like shit.

The Divination Gameshow

2006-02-12T00:20:00.000+08:00

Hey ho... hallo... I'm supposed to be doing work but... well, u know the story. So anyway, one particular person (i.e. Maz) claims to be clever at some levels because the name she picked for her car i.e. Miura, was used in one of Lamborghini's latest cars. Her exact words were, "Actually ah... at some levels... I'm actually clever u know." Just because now there is a Lamborghini Miura.

And also one of our latest coffeshop talks were about gameshows. Putting 1 and 1 together... how about... a Divination Gameshow! This is my latest dare to u guys:

Within the next 6 months, guess the name of something that will be produced/published/invented etc... and if it actually produced/published/invented etc... i'll buy it for u (within the limit of a $40 budget). If it doesn't, then u just owe me lunch.

For example, our dear clever person (maz) has picked "Delusions" as her guess for a music album that will be in stores in the next 6 months. So if any band, group, duo, artiste produces an album called delusions in the next 6 months, I'll buy it for her. And if it doesn't, she owes me approx a $5 lunch. Our pop star, Shai picked "Scoundrel", also a music album. You may also pick something like the title of a movie or the title of a book, etc...

Submit you divination entries by 20th Feb and we'll count down 6 months from there. Be part of the latest divination craze... forget sudoku.

Just FYI...

2006-02-09T04:21:00.000+08:00

If any of you are interested... here is how tennis points are counted and some of the terms commonly used.

Firstly, the points are counted in the order of 0 (or love), 15, 30, 40 then "game", meaning u won the "game". Let's say Roger Federer and I are playing a match and we begin the first game. We start at 0-0 (or love all), then I win the first point, so the score is now 15-0, then I win the next point, so the score is 30-0, and the I win the next, so it's 40-0, then now we are playing the "game point" because if I win the this point, then I've won the "game". So now I have 1 game and Roger Federer none. The score at this point of the "set" is 1-0. If the game reaches 40-40, then we play a "deuce". You basically have to win 2 points in a row. Let's say at deuce, we play and I win a point against Roger Federer... then it's called "advantage Mr. Chee". If I win the next point, then I win the game. Let's say at deuce I win the first point, then Roger wins the next, we go back again to deuce and keep at it till someone wins 2 in a row. Theoratically... it can go on forever.

In a game, the same person serves throughout. The next game, the opponent will serve throughout the game. When you are serving, you are deemed to have the advantage. So let's say in this game I'm serving, and I win the game.. I'm deemed to have managed to "hold my serve". In the next game my opponent (Roger Federer) is serving, but I win that game too. I am deemed to have "broken his serve". Those are just terms used to describe how the game went.
A standard tennis match is played "best of 3 sets", meaning win 2 sets and you've won the match. A set is played "first to reach 6 games". So first person to win 6 games wins the set. So a set score will be like 6-0 or 6-1 or 6-2, etc... until 6-4. To win the set, a player must win by a difference of at least 2 games... so if the set reaches 5-5, to win, you must get a 7-5, or if 6-6, 8-6 to win, and 9-7 and so on... again theoratically, you can play forever. Traditional tournaments, e.g. Wimbledon, will play this format. But some at some less prestigious tournaments, to save time, if the set reaches 6-6, you will play a "tie-break".

In a tie-break, you play a standard "game" but count the points 1, 2, 3, etc...until 7 instead of 15, 30, 40, "game". And in a tie-break, each player takes turns to serve, not one person serves throughout. One player will start by serving once, then the opponent will serve twice, then the other serve twice, and each will serve twice till someone reaches 7 points. So if I start and serve and win the point, so now the tie-break score is 1-0. Then we play until someone reaches 7, then that person has won the "tie break game". That's why sometimes you see scores like 7-6 (7-4). The score in the bracket is the score of the tie-break game. Again, you must win by at least 2 points. So if the tie-break score reaches 6-6, you win if u get a 8-6, and 9-7, and 10-8 and so on. Again... theoratically.. u can play forever. So sometimes you see scores like 7-6 (11-9) or 7-6 (8-6) etc..

So in a normal "best of 3 sets" match, the final score may look like: 6-4, 6-3 or 6-3, 4-6, 6-2, or 4-6, 7-5, 7-6 (7-4) or if they don't play tie-breaks in this tournament, 6-2, 5-7, 10-8. Grand Slam tournaments (i.e. Australian Open, French Open, Wimbledon and US Open) for the men's singles, they will usually play "best of 5 sets" for all the matches. Meaning win 3 sets and you win the match-lah.

And in a game the server's score is always mentioned first, so you don't have to ask who is 15? Who is 40? If I'm serving and leading 40-15, and if someone asks the score and I say 40-15, it's understood that I'm at 40 and my opponent is at 15.

Other than "hold serve" and "break serve", some other common tennis terms are like "unforced error". Meaning if you say that I just committed an "unforced error", then I lost that point by doing something stupid and I was in no difficulty, like I put the ball in the net, or hit it out etc.. When someone says that I hit a "winner" it means that I hit a shot that my opponent was unable to retrieve put back in my court because I hit that shot very skillfully or placed it out of his reach, etc...

And oh, at every point, the server gets to serve twice. Meaning if at the first try he doesn't get the serve in... he gets to try one more time. If he serves it out again, then he just lost that point. So what happens is we usually take a risk and whack our first serve really hard. If it doens't go in, then we serve the 2nd one more safely. So if I served and it landed out, it's called a "fault" and if I served out again... then it's called a "double-fault". An "ace" is a serve that the receiver did not even manage to touch. Even if the ball skims the frame of his racket, it's not an ace.But it's just a term, doesn't mean you get 2 points for an ace. A "let" is when a serve touches or hits the tape of the net or the net itself, but goes in. Then it's a "let" and you serve again. There are no limits to how many "let"s, you can keep serving and it keeps hitting the net but goes in, repeat your serve again and again. Unlike ping pong where 3 "let"s is a point to your opponent.

"Down the line" is a shot that is hit close and paralel to the court's vertical boundary line. If I hit a "down the line winner", then I hit a shot from the edge (left or right) of the court, straight down paralel to the boundary line that my opponent was unable to receive.

A "cross-court" shot is simply the opposite. Meaning I hit the shot from the right edge of the court to the left edge. A "volley" mean the shot was hit without waiting for it to bounce. An "overhead" is just the tennis terms for what is otherwise known in other sports as a "smash". A "drop shot" is a shot hit and made to drop very close to the net on the opponent's side of the court. The idea is to hit the ball very softly and with an "underspin" (which is sort of a reverse spin where the ball should bounce backwards or less forwards) so the ball bounces more than once before the opponent reaches it. A "topspin" is the opposite of an underspin and the usual kind of spin we apply in most shots. Imagine the direction a car wheel is spinning when the car moves forward. A "topspin" is when the ball is spinning in that direction. The "topspin" should cause the ball to bounce higher and further forward, hence making it harder for the opponent to hit.

A unique circumstance is the local adaptation of a "set". In very much less prestigious tournaments, e.g. Inter-Faculty Games... playing a "best of 3 sets" match is much too time consuming. So instead, to save time, in the preliminary rounds, we play just one "pro-set". Winner of that "pro-set" wins the match. In my case it was a "pro-set 9" (as is the usual case) meaning the first to reach 9 games wins the set and the match. And even more unsual, the organisers insisted that tie-breaks be played until 12 points, not the usual 7. So at 8-8, we played a tie-break. So that's why my score in that very significant victory was 9-8 (12-10).

Fearless!!

2006-02-09T04:17:00.000+08:00

I know this is very, very tak malu (shameless) but today I became the hero of my faculty. You are now talking to the newly crowned tennis hero of the School of Design and Environment (SDE). Man, u guys are never going to hear the end of this...I became the darling of the SDE faculty after winning, by the narrowest of margins, 9-8 (tie break 12-10), the crucial tie against the Arts faculty, to bring SDE, for the first time ever mind u, into the tennis Inter-Faculty Games semi-finals!

Yes, yes... please bow your head in awe the next you greet me.

So anyway, we had to strategize whom to field against whom against the Arts fac and it was decided that we'd field our strongest singles player in the 1st singles tie, and this guy who's pretty inconsistent (on some days he plays well... some days just bad) in the 2nd singles, and give away the girls singles tie because we were lacking one girl. And then we found out that the Arts' men's doubles weren't very good so we fielded our usual doubles pair who's only so-so, cos even their amateurish play was enough to assure a win. Then I was to play the mixed doubles to strengthen our pair (cos the only female player in our team is also another so-so only kind of player). Eh, FYI I played mixed doubles and not singles by choice OK... not because they dump the crappy players in the doubles ties.

So we were pretty sure we'd win the first singles and the men's doubles, but I was sort of the trump card in case our 2nd singles player lost. Which actually happened. So we won one singles, lost one singles, won the doubles, and gave away the girls singles and so it was 2-2. My mixed doubles would decide if SDE or the Arts faculty would go to the semis. Oh dia punya pressure (Oh the pressure..!)

The match began oh so badly with me double faulting twice on my serve in the first game. Plus just before we began I realised the strings on my racket were fucked cos I forgot to change them in over 6 months and didn't have my spare cos my dear brother took it last month, and so had to borrow a team mate's racket. For most of the early part we were trailing until mid-game when I decided to show these artsy-fartsy bigots a thing or two... hehe... and so now the designers were ahead. Then at the stupid track and field, which is just next to the tennis courts, had to have some ceremony the same day. Was annoyed that they were playing very loud music and making this huge ruckus. To make matters worse, the lights went out at 9pm and the sports admin refused to accomodate the faculty games organizers, so we had to shift court after some deliberating, to one court that still had the lights on for whatever reason.

The sequence of distracting events somewhat ruffled my feathers and I lost some of my rhythm. And then, best of all, the nearby hall had to have a fire-drill just outside our court. The hall's committee members were being taught by people from SCDF (civil defence whatever..) how to put out a fire. Bloody bastards. So we had to tolerate bloody hoo-haa for 20-30 odd minutes. Then, of all the stupid childish things to do, having finished the demonstration, the bloody fuckers from SCDF began playing with the fire extinguishers!

That was when I lost it and screamed, "Excuse me?? But are you done? We're kind of having a match over here!". In case you didn't know, at any tournament big or small, when a point is in play, the spectators sit in silence and watch. They may only clap or cheer in between points and strictly speaking spectators should not cheer a player if his opponent committed an unforced error. But anyway, that's at tournaments but still, playing with bloody fire extinguishers is a little too much. By the time the SCDF fuckers fucked off, we lost our lead and were trailing again. But now since it was reasonably conducive to play, we somehow tied it and the match went into a tie-break.

According to our team-mates, watching the tie-break almost caused them a severe stroke. I served first and aced it, not quite, but the receiver put it into the net. And we played till were up 5-2. Then the male player in our opponent's mixed pair decided to miraculously play so much better. And by some fluke, even one of my overhead smashes, by the dumbest of luck got retrieved by the girl opponent and went whizzing past me... malunya (pai-seh). We were down again like 5-7. They maintained their lead until we caught up to 10 all.

At 10 all, it was still my female partner's turn to serve, and her serve is sooo soft, all thru that point, our opponents refused to play to me but tried to attack the girl so very furiously. But, but but... she managed to hold her ground, oh girl I love u sooo much for that, and they committed an unforced error, one of them put it into the net (that's what an unforced error is, a mistake made of your own carelessness, etc. not because u were outplayed). So one more point to match point for us and they were to serve, and I was receiving. Not wanting to waste this opportunity for fame and glory, I returned with a underspin (which is a little tricky to handle) to the server's backhand and the mother of all joys, she hit it out.

Although I didn't win the match point by like super skillful tactical play or an amazing forehand on the run winner past the net man (which I was hoping would happen hehe...) but when the ball landed out... not even the time I topped my class for a goverment English exam could nearly compare to the super duper immense "i just won the 10 million toto jackpot" euphoria. I wanted to drop flat on the court and not move to savour the significance and magnitude of the win. Eh, I brought my faculty into the semis for the first time ever ok... FYI, the design faculty is sooo not into sports (actually we're bigger art bigots than the Arts faculty) and is always like last in the Inter-Faculty Games.

The team captain claimed to want to lift me and throw me about but my sad little faculty has so little players and no supporters, not enough to want to flip me and my girth about in the air. You may notice this time I used "I" and "me" a lot and seem to be crediting the win only to me although this was a mixed doubles match. You're so very absolutely right!! Not taking any credit from my female doubles partner, she played quite steadily; but both our opponents we're quite obviously better than her and seem to have a bit more "tournament toughness" (that's when you perform well or not below your usual standards under the pressure of playing a tournament).

Plus, I let my partner play the forehand side cos she's a bit more comfy there and had to play using my weaker backhand, and let her go up to the net (where she got passed or outplayed more) to not deny her the joy of playing at the net instead of asking her to stay at the baseline where she doesn't lose as many points. And plus,plus!!... I won using a friend's racket! Obviously using your own racket is better, right? Eh so... don't blame me too much for taking more credit and basking in the glory a bit more than I should. From now on, it's Sir Andrew if you please... and not just Andrew... ok... Sir Megat if you like. But I suppose I should show a little gratitude to my partner for having being part in this spectacular victory... I can't play a doubles on my own anyway... perhaps when we have our celebratory dinner, I'll buy her a drink or say thank you or something.. I'm nice.

I know this post is a little lenghty and very detailed... but hey... I made history and I am a Hero.. and I am after all a tennis player. Talk to Ezal and he'll probably go on and on about the funny technicalities of his keyboard and music theory etc etc... Talk to Maz and Munah and Dina and they might bore you shitless about how Prada leather is softer than Dior or how Celine has better dresses than Fendi or whatever... So me bore you by the technicalities and details of tennis. Especially since me won and became hero... All hail Sir Andy.

Not so classified classifieds.

2006-02-09T04:14:00.000+08:00

I just got back to school... sigh.. sigh... sigh... have many work... not doing many work. Many time online instead. Discover many many nonsense thing. For example:

(something).com.sg > classifieds > announcements > outdoor and sports

Singapore many many weirdo, ask many many weird thing. (man.. whats my obssession with the word many). So anyway, I started with browsing the auctions hoping maybe I'd come across something amazingly cheap that I could use or want. Fat hopes yield slim chances. Then since I'd never browsed the classifieds before I thought I would. Singapore many many weirdo. I hope I'm not infringing any cyber privacy issues, but if I am... then u don't know me.

As it always does with me... things started out relatively mild... relatively. The first ad that made me go like, "oh.. ok..." was:

Charming girls escort, west coast, sg.
At Charming Gals, we strive to provide elegant beauty to guests from around the world. We specialize in providing beautiful & charming ladies for social occasions or for private moments or for a dream companion you desire for a romantic night out or just simply someone in your hotel room to ease the loneliness of the night. We are strictly an outcall services and we only cater to individuals either at hotels or at their private apartments. Our Babes will take care of you... Please make your necessary reservations in advance to avoid disappointment Call 9-xxx-xxxx

I thought ok, that should be about the limit eh? So so so so very wrong. Many many wrong.

Any one interested in cross-dressing
I am a guy like to wear bras, sexy panty, girls dress and dressed up like a sexy girl. I have some collection of girls stuffs. Any one interested in cross-dressing and share all this with me? Please reply me ASAP!

I don't know man... I'm beginning to think being sympathetic to liberals may not be the best idea. The next one makes you wonder how far this guy is from illegal soliciting.

Open minded holiday Gal needed
Hi,need a open minded gal to provide service when free time and on a long term basis....pay$$$well....promise no string attached and total discreet......Student above age welcome....disease free...assured...

Hey I need open minded "holiday" gal too, but ain't no one coming buddy. The next guy is just soo considerate.

Looking for gals or ladys (spelling power jugak)
Hi i looking for some gals or ladys for a petting session or even fun.. Kindy drop yr intro n contact so i can reach u thks.. I can drive to meet u also

Our next fren, um... just take a look lah.

Gals paid to kick balls
hi. I am paying $5 a kick for u gals. yes i know its pain but i just love geting hit there by gals. maimum of 14 kicks in half hour. so max of $70 i will pay in half hour. email me if interested. leave ur details too. thx

Edinasaur... the ENGLISH discourse.

2006-02-06T23:53:00.000+08:00

The Megalosaurus was the first dinosaur to be discovered by William Buckland, a priest and a fossil hunter in 1824. And thus the word "dinosaur" was coined, which means... "thunder lizard".

Till today, dinosaur fossils in this region were mostly found in China. But paleontologists have found the skeletal remains of what seems to be a small dinosaur in none other than... Singapore!
The fossil is believed to be that of a dinosaur that (fortunately) is rarely found called the...

Edinasaurus.

The Edinasaurus, or its scientific name, the Talkalotus nonstoppus, was found near Yishun all by itself without any dinosaur fwens whatsoever. The Edinasaur, which resembles a velociraptor but smaller, is the only dinosaur with an enlarged throat bone which enables it to scream continuessly for no logical reason whatsoever.

It is believed that the Edinasaur used its enlarged throat to constantly nag other dinosaurs. All the doings and behaviour of the dinosaurs around it were sure to receive comment. The dinosaurs from Malacca, Malaysia especially were suspected to have received the most comments till they were forced to run away to China.

Without the Malaccan dinosaurs to criticise, it is believed that the Edinasaurus began nagging other dinosaurs, in particular the Tyrannosaurus Rex which constantly received comments regarding its eating habits. The discovery of the Edinasaurus consequently caused paleontalogists to present "The South East Asian dinosaurs had to move to China" theory which states that dinosaurs were actually commonly found in Singapore and Malaysia but "for some reason" had to move to China.

The Edinasaurus is also believed to have a propensity for travelling, because Edinasaur fossils have been found from here to Greece. This gives rise to the suspicion that the Edinasaur went all the way to Greece to nag other dinosaurs. This is supported by evidence of greek dinosaur fossils that were found in near deaf conditions. Before this, scientists have always wondered why the skulls of these Greek dinosaurs had very small ear perforations or had no ears.

The discovery of the Edinasaurus in Singapore ends the long heated debate among paleontologists regarding the absence of dinosaur fossils in this region. They agree unanimously agree that the absence is caused solely by the presence of this single Edinasaur. The magnitude of this discovery is echoed by the Singapore PAP party that recently announced its intentions to replace the current country's icon, the Merlion, with a large statue of the Edinasaurs that is able to scream and nag while simultaneously spewing water out its mouth.

Edinasaur

2006-02-01T17:06:00.000+08:00

Megalosaurus merupakan dinosaur pertama yang ditemui oleh William Buckland, seorang paderi serta pencari fosil pada 1824. Begitulah bermulanya perkataan "dinosaur"... yang bermakna "thunder lizard". Sehingga kini fosil-fosil dinosaur di rantau ini kebanyakannya dijumpai di China. Namun para paleontologist asia telah menemui satu rangka tulang dinosaur kecik tidak bukan dan tidak lain di Singapura!

Fosil tersebut disyaki kepunyaan dinosaur yang (nasib baiknya) jarang dijumpai bernama..

Edinasaurus.

Edinasaurus ini atau nama saintifiknya, Muluttempayanus sangatbecokness, ditemui dekat Hougang bersendirian tanpa apa-apa kawan dinosaur yang lain. Edinasaur ini, yang menyerupai velociraptor tetapi kecik sedikit, merupakan satu-satunya dinosaur yang mempunyai tulang kerongkong besar yang membolehkannya terpekik-pekik tanpa henti untuk apa-apa alasan saja.

Adalah dipercayai bahawa Edinasaur mengunakan kerongkongnya yang lebih besar untuk meleteri dinosaur-dinosaur yang lain. Semua kegiatan atau perbuatan dinosaur lain disekelilingnya pastinya diberi comment. Disyaki bahawa kegiatan dinosaur-dinosaur dari Melaka, Malaysia paling banyak diberi comment oleh Edinasaurus sehingga terpaksa melarikan diri ke China.

Tanpa dinosaur-dinosaur Melaka untuk memberi kritikan, adalah dipercayai bahawa Edinasaurus mulai meleteri dinosaur-dinosaur lain, terutamanya Tyrannosaurus Rex yang selalu menerima comment tentang tabiat makannya. Pertemuaan fosil Edinasaurus ini menyebabkan para paleotologist mengemukakan teori "Dinosaur di Asia Tenggara terpaksa berpindah ke China" iaitu menyatakan bahawa pada suatu ketika dahulu, dinosaur sebenarnya banyak didapati di Singapura dan Malaysia tetapi untuk "sesuatu sebab" terpaksa berpindah ke China.

Edinasaurus ini dipercayai juga suka mengembara, kerana fosil dinosaur Edinasaurus pernah ditemui dari sini ke Greece. Dinosaur ini disyaki pergi sampai Greece untuk meleteri dinosaur-dinosaur lain. Pernyataan ini disokong oleh bukti bahawa kebanyakan dinosaur di Greece ditemui oleh para peleontologist dalam keadaan hampir pekak dan tuli. Saintis sehingga kini hairan kenapa tengkorak dinosaur Greece kebiasaannya mempunyai lubang telinga yang kecik ataupun tiada telinga langsung.

Tetapi pertemuaan Edinasaurus di Singapura mengakhiri perbahasan dikalangan para paleontologist mengenai ketiadaan fosil dinosaur di rantau ini. Mereka sebulat-bulatnya setuju ketiadaan dinosaur lain semuanya berpunca dari kehadiran satu-satunya Edinasaurus ini. Kepentingan pertemuaan fosil ini diekori oleh parti PAP Singapura yang baru-baru ini mengumumkan rangcangan untuk menggantikan Merlion dengan satu arca besar Edinasaurus yang boleh memekik sambil terpercik air dari mulutnya.

*This entry is dedicated to my new fwen, Edina who byk byk komen on my other blog, http://andrewckking.multiply.com. Do check it out

Chewren..

2006-01-24T18:02:00.000+08:00

Peepur who know me to a certain extent will be aware that I, at any point in the future, do not want children. It's not a pretentious expression of some sort of new age independent modernist perspective, like some people adopt to seem cool; the reasons are actually quite selfless. Not that I don't like or is unable to love "chewren"... its I can't handle "chewren".

I really don't want to bring up a child, and messing him up, to realise that when he/she is 25... he/she has become weirdo, socially maladjusted, eccentric freak, i.e. like me, or bjork. Besides, it's pretty frightening the stuff that children do that scares the shit of out parents.

I never realised how much I actually worry my parents. For example, I always thought that I've been a pretty decent kid (oh shuttup all of u..) and my parents didn't have to worry about me socially... till now.

My dad thinks that I'm:
1. on drugs.
2. part of a cult.
3. gay.

Well he thought at least... he doesn't think it anymore... I hope.

At the end of my first year in varsity, I decided that I wanted to run a marathon (never happened) and I began running... a lot. I ran at night everyday for 4-5 km stretches and a weekly 8-10 km stretch. At the same time I took up smoking (I was never really good at logical thinking...) due to other stressful reasons. While I was smoking, I had the sense to supplement my running with a low fat, hi carb diet of pasta and vegetables. So a combination of all of the above caused, i suppose, a relatively drastic loss in weight. I went from being a big fat ass to not being a being fat ass in a relatively short period. At that time, I lost like 10-15 kilos since the last time my dad saw me. Good ole suspicious dad went like,

"Son... r u on drugs?".

Lengthy laborious explanation later hopefully dispelled his drug suspicions... hopefully.

He may have let drug suspicions go but ever wary dad had suspected he has a weirdo for a son, the eldest son at that. We often have dicussions/arguement on God, church, religious creeds, and the existance of divine elements. I feel his Methodist sect is bullshit and he feels my Catholic sect is bullshit, but our conversation often extend beyond Christianity. So the last holiday, I was home and asleep. Dad habitually breaks into my room every morning to get my laundry because I never bring them down to wash. Then when I got up the particular day that I left the radio on the whole night tuned into some local radio station, he says,

"Son... r u part of a cult?"

Me (rightfully worried and anxious): Eh...?
Him: There was this like Indian song playing on your radio over and over.
Me (dazed and confused): Eh...?
Him: Did you join some cult and that's your meditating/alter state of consciousness music or something?
Me (finally realizing wats goin on): WAHAHAHA....

That leaves only the question of my sexuality. Some time ago recently, not sure when, we were discussing certain state of affairs of my life in varsity. He didn't actually go,

"Son.. r u gay?"

I suppose the idea of a homo son was a bit too heavy to ask outright... He went,

"Usually guys your age display interests in the girls around them..."

The Theresa Buck Project

2006-01-21T03:01:00.000+08:00

I recently emailed a very ludicrous letter to a lecturer that asked that all his students write him a “Letter of Introduction”. He says to make it interesting and include:

your name and anything interesting/unusual about yourself that you would like to share. Tell me your dreams and the cool things you have done or will do. Tell me who you are as a person and as an individual. If you have any special talents (music, athletic, design, art...), be sure to let me know too.

I wrote so much crap that I didn’t have to shit for 2 days. Something about needing to be poked and prodded like a mule, and wanting to be a Greek god, rock star and what not. I also told him the title of my first book which I’ll write called: How To Start a Chinese Restaurant. Step 1. Don’t put it beside an Indian restaurant. Step 2. Stop naming foods like “Imperial Longevity Wife Happy Tiger Penis Soup”. Then I also mentioned that I’d like to start a band called The Theresa Buck Project.

Let me explain.

As much as I ridiculed and mocked hippies in my previous post, I am very much a hippie at the core. I am very fucking sick of the vicious cycle that society has created to entrap every last living soul on earth. I reject capitalism and abhor that a vast majority of us will have to resign ourselves to some form of a 9 to 5 and the oppression that governments subject its citizens for selfish or most of the time… stupid reasons.

Sometimes one has to wonder if the countries in this region are working towards being recognized as first world or heading back to the dark ages. For example, recently Kerajaan Malaysia, God bless their souls, has recently gazetted an amendment to The Islamic Family Law Bill. 5 points came under heavy controversy but our senate (Dewan Negara) passed the amendments anyway. The consequences of the 5 points in question are as such:

The right of a husband to claim a share of his existing wife’s property upon his committing polygamy.
Husbands have an equal right to a wife’s property and likewise she has a claim to joint property acquired during their marriage. But he now has a right to his wife’s property that she had before their marriage.

Making polygamy easier for men.
While a husband may be able to prove that his proposed marriage is necessary, he does not have to prove it to be just.

Forcing a wife to choose either maintenance OR division of joint property upon a husband’s polygamous marriage.
Syariah law makes it mandatory for husbands to provide maintenance for a wife throughout their marriage. Islamic law entitles her to both. I don’t see why she has to settle for only one now.

Enhancing the husband’s right to divorce.
This gives an additional right to divorce for the husband, which used to be the prerogative of the wife; he may escape any form of compensation.

Allowing a husband to get a court order to stop his wife from disposing her property.
The husband should have no rights over his wife’s property since she is not obligated to provide maintenance for him or their children. That is his responsibility. It should be the wife that can get a court order.

That’s short version which summarizes the 5 points of contention. I scoured the actual worded amendments but legal language is a bitch to interpret.

Now if I were a young supple very eligible Muslim woman in M’sia, I’d now decide to either be lesbian, or hold a shotgun to any Muslim man who comes close. Prospects, you must admit, are looking pretty fucked up for Muslim women in my country. Ok, maybe except for no. 3, but the rest are fucked up enough. This does not in any way directly involved me, because I’m not Muslim, and if I were it’ll benefit me instead.

But one can’t help but question if this is what Islam really about? I like to think that Islam prefers to treat its women better than shit, which is what the amendments does exactly. Basically, when your Muslim husband gets horny for another bitch, you, Ms. Stupid enough to enter matrimony, are SCREWED. If I were Muslim man, I’d start a game with my friends to see who can marry the most women, get the most property, and escape without paying maintenance, in 6 months.

This one feels like is has Islam plastered all over it… BULLSHIT. For some very strange and odd reason (read: corruption, cronyism, family ties) many true-blue first class idiots make it to the high echelons of government. These geniuses, when it suits their fancy, decide over a whim and a cup of tea to do something… like this… and then wonder why Islam is perceived in many parts of the world as barbaric and dumb.

Some 19 women senators had the metaphoric “balls” to stand against the amendments of the bill. And then, ingat nak main hero, a dick by the name of Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz, a Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department decided that he would try and politely persuade (read: coerced, muscle his way through) the women to change their minds. He says, “They are free to debate and speak their mind, but when it comes to a vote, they have to follow”.

Eh… puki mak lu lah! Demokrasi datuk lu kah?

After his little personal chat with the women senators, they came out realizing the error of their ways (read: visibly shaken, shaking with fear, terrified beyond imagination). Datuk Seri Nazri “demokrasi” Aziz threatened to invoke the Whip (some sort of caveat or whatever that the ruling party has) to keep Barisan Nasional senators in line.

In steps The Theresa Buck Project.

The Theresa Buck Project is band that seeks to create awareness in society this part of the world against social injustices, prejudice and shit like this. Ok so I ripped off Rage Against the Machine and System of a Down, but so what? RATM is defunct and SOAD hasn’t come here yet. Maybe it’s time Asians stood up for Asians. The band is named after Mother Theresa and Pearl S. Buck. Perhaps the 2 most notable women figures in modern history (perhaps they’re the only 2 I can think of), one the epitomic figure of love coupled with the creativity and ingenuity of a writer/reporter.

The band is now for anyone who has the guts to speak their mind, and is able to play some sort of instrument or sing/rap/scream/yodel. The term “instrument” is loosely defined. Kalau boleh ketuk tong atau buat bunyi macam gong pun jadilah. (Translation: If u can beat a trash can or a make noise like a gong also can-lah).

The Theresa Buck Project is now open for membership. Do inquire within… ask for the little Chinese man from Malacca. Don’t let Asian society down, show u care enough to bitch about it.

I am a feminist with balls… literally.

Hippies, hippies everywhere.

2006-01-20T21:36:00.000+08:00

Life has been monumentally boring for me, not boring in a good way... Boring in the way that u're not doing anything but u know there's so much excitement going on outside but u can't because u have school or work but yet u're not doing anything. That must be the worst kind of boredom to have.

I'm supposed to design a backpacker's hostel for my design module this semester. I'm going to say "What The Fuck", but to understand why I'm saying "WTF" firstly think of a backpacker. He/She first and foremost is a Goddamn Hippie. Maybe not for life but if he's backpacking then while he has his backpack on, he is a goddamn hippie. Same for a she. No. 2: Hippies have no money... except for Richard Branson but he's not carrying a backpack anymore. So once again, hippies have no money.

No. 3: Not having any money, means they're not fussy or demanding. A fussy, demanding hippie is a stupid hippie. No. 4: Not being fussy and demanding means backpackers are more than willing to rough it out and are very much contented just to have a roof over their heads in whatever god-forsaken region they're in. Digest all this for a while...

So then comes along a genius who demands you design a backpackers hostel in right Victoria Street, next to the gargantuan Raffles hospital, just in front of a very busy road. Now, this isn't your average client. He/She is from the Dept. of Architecture of a University where your design, in order to get some sort of a decent grade, has to be exceptional, wonderfully creative, so awe-inspiring and ground-breakingly unique.

So.. here we go... What The Fuck??..

They're bleedin hippies! They have no money! How much do u think a building thats exceptional, wonderfully.. etc etc... is going to cost? How much do u think u can charge a night so that these hippies will stay at your bloody wonderful place? And worst of all... What The Fuck do you derive inspiration from that relates to these hippies? Dirty hair and tattered shoes? Having a grasp on reality is a tough thing to do these days.

I'm trying really so so hard to visualize some sort of realistic hostel for backpackers on a site that's so incredibly difficult... the hostel can only be a 2 storey building... beside a 20 storey hospital. Simi lanjiao la... kaninabu.. your motherla... stupid school.

Randy Andy... The aunty killer... with a chip on his shoulder. Pt.2

2006-01-09T17:54:00.000+08:00

I need to finish this for closure.

So then, becoming somewhat very unsure of myself and my waning "aunty" charm.. I stopped dating entirely. To be fair, I wasn't dating dengan ganasnya anyway, no biggie-lah really. Plus most girls are biatches anyway. One more time, I'm not sexist... I make fun of all sexes including the obscure gender roles that society has created... equally.

Nevertheless, the final curtain hasn't come down on Randy Andy the Aunty Killer yet. But these days, I somehow manage to "kill" aunties whose daughters I don't date. Happens mostly at the club in Melaka where I play tennis. The just courteous friendliness at the beginning now at times has become a tad flirtatious after a few exhibitions of exhibiting my tennis prowess. Don't laugh-la nahweh... I'm pretty good ok. My down the line winner on the run exacted a few very audible gasps on court. And u do not want to be on the receiving end of my big Pete Sampras rocket serve... on the days that it actually goes in.

So seeing a rather exhuberant young man who seems pretty skillful on court and really easy-going did attract the attention of the aunties la. Hey, the alternative are ageing uncles in 1970s Ivan Lendl Wimbledon shorts and the other gentlemen still on the good side of their 30s or late 20s have the personality of a batang kayu. Having me around is like a drug addiction. Somehow playing me on the other side of the court made them feel oh sooo young again. Yang dia tak tahu is that I hold my punches :P.

And then mention that I'm an architecture undergrad was like wahhh to them. Architecture no big deal la really. Look at all the shitty buildings around u. They love to talk to me about design and what not, while we wait for our turn on court. Their husbands, they feel cannot appreciate the finer more subtle things that are so consistent with a feminine nature. Then a young man with an appreciation of effiminate elements adds so much more to the "boy toy" picture they probably were playing around in their heads. Once in a while they bring some kuih and stuff to the club and once when I declined a sweet treat citing an aversion to sugar (how untrue...) one aunty said, "Oh he doesn't like sweet things... He likes sweet young things right? He he..."

I have a thing for older women actually. Forget I said that.. Anyway, if Melaka weren't a town where tongues wag so much, I suspect there would have been a few times where one of them would slip me a key to a room in hotel they had reserved for the night. Tho most of their daughters already have boyfriends, I'm pretty sure they toy with the idea of an architect son-in-law in their funny heads. I don't know if they're sure that I'm not going to get a large inheritance, or will almost not be an architect much less, a famous grandmaster architect.
I would love to wear a T-shirt with a letter in front that goes:

Dear aunty/ies,
I know you have daughter/s, and ya, dia lawa. I know. You may or may not have noticed that I'm not my dad. I'm sorry you missed your chance approximately 30 yrs ago. Be happy with the balding beer gut u have at home. My dad is also not filthy rich anymore. U may have noticed the absence of a limousine or a convertible at my house.. or his eldest son not living it up in Rio, Ibiza or Amsterdam. Do inquire at Windsor Castle and ask for Prince William.

Plus, I'm not the marrying kind. Neither am I the "Romeo must fuck around" kind. I'm just, "one kind". I'm not rich, and what's worse is I don't intend to be rich, whatever my reasons may be. I doubt your lovely daughter will take kindly to my over-indulgence in funny spiritual philosophies, obsession with the realm of the weird, me preaching about how nature and life is beautiful and my theories and lamentations of how modern society is a human soul trap. I am a hippie.

Unless the apple of your daddy's eye is tri-athlete, I also highly doubt she would jump for joy when I reveal my ambitions of trekking the Artic, exploring Africa, swimming with sharks and completing the Applachian Trail. I also cook well and am critical of dinner, and am full of snide remarks of how your daughter used the wrong herb.

I drool in my sleep and am constantly battling perpetual athlete's foot. I suspect I have bad breath and I just so love to "french". And when I get excited I bite. My love for furry animals also may just exceed my love for your daughter. You may not like it when your daughter runs back with her bags packed because I made space on the bed for the dog instead of my wife.
The fact that I don't eat meat should arouse a few suspicions as well. Do you u really trust a vegetarian? And "the band IS going to make it big OK..." isn't going to go down well with you or your daughter. And do u really want to be not invited to your own daughter's wedding?

Sincerely,Aunty-Killer Melaka.

So there, aunty-killer no more. There was one more incident in KL at the home of a filthy-rich mother of a girl that my brother was friends with. But that's another story-lah. Perhaps if I snag the daughter of one these filthy rich aunties, I could actually realistically finance my weird ambitions. But so cruel... only realised her daughter married a weirdo too late. Oh what unfathomable misfortune it would be to marry me. I shall hope to stumble across a Samsonite suitcase full of drug money or write a best-seller children's book instead to fund my sick fantasies.

Randy Andy... The aunty killer.

2006-01-09T17:49:00.000+08:00

Was watching this movie called "Bride and Prejudice". A Bollywood cum English production... or maybe it was just Bollywood but it was in English anyway. It was about an Indian family with a sensible heart-warming dad and a gold digger mum and four really eligible daughters. Mum was just sooooo desperate to marry off her daughters to whoever had a nice fat bank account and a green card. If anyone asks, No I'm not a racist... once again... I poke fun of all races equally. And I certainly do have a lot of remarks regarding the movie that many would interpret as having a racist slant. In the movie were the kind of Indians you LOVE to hate, fair-skinned, snobbish, sharp features, so status sensitive, ang moh is better mentality, and blue eyes... Indians got blue eyes meh? You're lucky China has no Chinawood... If not then u'd be getting Chinese with red eyes and orange stripes. See? Told u i make fun of all races equally. Nice touching story-lah... acting wasn't good, but wasn't bad... but the Indian women had no problem acting the bitch. Nearly switched off the movie tho... too much tabla, funny dancing and wobbling mid-riffs.

So anyway, in the movie the mum was so taken, so charmed by the rich characters that came to woo their daughters and enthralled her with tales about their big business in US, US$800,000 house, 3 swimming pools, oh I'm so classy, and I'm not really Indian anymore I have a green card type BS. That reminded me of myself actually... No... not that I'm a rich poser/loser (some of u think it... but i'll nvr admit it.. I'm not rich :P) but that I'm actually quite an aunty killer. Not On Purpose.

I somehow seem to be quite endearing to the aunties. I've notice for sometime now that whenever I somehow or rather stumble into the home of a friend who's a girl, the mum almost immediately takes a certain funny liking to me. For example, there was this girl during my sec-school days who has a single mum who had a crush on me (her... not her mum). I'm not bluffing... her guy friend came up to me one day and said:

Eh Andrew, u know ah, I ask 'X' if she interested in any guys or James (some classmate of mine who was pursuing her) She said ah.. If I pick between James and Andrew ah... I pick Andrew la!
And I wasn't even trying to court this girl. So there... I do use to have girls interested in this "budak Melaka". And as if I was inherently programmed, the moment a girl expresses interest in me I lose interest and begin avoiding her. Anyway, after sec school, I finally became comfortable being around this girl and got invited to her place for CNY...annually. The first time her mum met me it was like she met a long lost friend. I almost couldn't believe her friendliness, I guess with her and her daughter being so close, she must have "extolled" me to her mum. I couldn't believe it when she would almost constantly praise me about anything... even how good I look or how I dress. Wah Lau... power... heh heh...

Over a few CNYs, eventually I felt closer to her mum than her. Didn't help that I AM somewhat charming (really lah... I am...). I never was very contemporary "hip" and very in the times but I inherited some of my dad's "old-world charm" or they say these days, "old-skool". I did regale her with some stories and opinions of this and that.. not hard-lah really.. just look stoic and use proper grammar... and she was like "Wah this" and "Wah that".

Then there was this girl that I was kinda dating not too long ago. That never went anywhere but nevermind. One CNY, I only thought it proper that I actually attend her CNY open-house when she invited me. So I went all alone, not really sure how to behave. Apparently people assume that silence is a signal of trouble with me. FYI, my yapper isn't the best thing to stimulate. And at her home, DESPITE my hair standing 6 inches in the air and everywhere, her mum still nak layan me one on one. Her method was invoking embarassing phases of your life when u were 5 yrs old and your mum still dressed u and running around screaming in pre-kindergarden. I replied the best I could but thankfully I think the hair and maybe she thought she'd better leave me and her daughter and what other youngsters around, alone, and cut the "aunty would like to get to know u better" therapy short.

It then dawned on me that... eh... maybe these aunties are looking at u as... prospective Son-in-Law...! I silently panicked... and made a mental note to not visit people's parents so much... or ever. At that point I began re-assessing this "aunty-killing" abilities of mine, and noticed that most of these know or know of... my dad. Now I have this "dad" stigma on my shoulder. My dad in his time, was a young-rugged athletic good-looking successful businessman with wit and charm and an english-ed to boot. That... in the then small quiant town of Melaka... made big news. Even one female classmate during my A levels saw my dad and remarked, "Wah, your dad handsome ah...". Like eh... what about me? Lahanat...

So, I'm assuming, with all this aunties knowing my dad and my dad hinting that he was quite sought after, that perhaps these aunties used to be hot for my dad. Kaninabu... talk about potong stim. And I thought I so canggih can nail all these aunties with my smile. I figured, I think quite accurately, that they missed out on my dad and hoping maybe instead of them, now their daughters can nail his son. I feel sooo objectified.

To be painfully continued.

I say... Kalau tak lawa... don't go on stage!... Tak tahu ke?

2006-01-08T02:52:00.000+08:00

Well... I is back in Sin Jia Poh. Singapore these days seems somehow very Cina to me. Or maybe I seem to be at very ah beng/lian infested places, e.g. sim lim square, clementi central, video arcade (i'm sorry, this 23 yr old still has a video game fetish), and what not... not surprising I keep hearing 'Hwa Yee' everywhere I go. Plus it's nearing CNY anyways. The very sin nien kuai le pasar malams are popping up everywhere.

So Murphy's Law states that if anything can go wrong... it will. Deluding myself that I would actually have a smooth re-inauguration into sg cum nus life... I crossed borders confidently and stepped into me room... and found my PC had died of loneliness. Hard drive crashed anyway. Pantat betul.. Repairing it cost S$160. But that's as far as Murphy managed to penetrate my PC, the PC geekette (a girl repaired my PC in sim lim) salvaged my hard drive, so I didn't lose my complete collection of South Park. I was actually more worried about losing my South Park EPs than my school work... there isn't much school work on my PC anyway heheh.

So then the after I sorted out my PC, I hopped over to JB to get some software. Not that they don't have the software here but in some shops in JB it's cheaper u know... like 2% of the price. Got my software and a PC game and a pack of smokes and hopped back over. Gradually throughout the day, a very small sinus developed the more I travelled. I was hoping it's just my little morning sinus thing but Murphy said, "NO!! Not today buddy!!". By evening it was full blown major nose dripping like leaky hose flu. At that point, I was even hoping that a drippy nose would be it. Yet again, bastard Murphy made up for not "totalling" my PC. A headache was to be expected but Murphy added on body-aches and even eyeball pains.

Sickly me made it to Woodlands where I thought, "Hey let's give our cheery ole Mamasan a call. I'm near her place anyway" She didn't pick up, but called when I was already in Clementi hoping to hit the arcade then go home and chill and take care of my nose.

She said, "Hey.. where are you? Ape buat? Yada.. yada.. blah blah.. pok pek pok pek... Let's go Bar None!"

I heard, "Hey... where are you? Ape buat? Yada.. yada.. blah blah.. pok pek pok pek... Let's go MA-KAN!"

I said, "Ok!"

Bastard Murphy playing with my ears now. So I ended up in orchard then Bar None, with the gang and a new fren. Zainal or just Nal... Dina's new flame. Nice guy. Bar None was ok... my nose wasn't leaking all over the place like I expected, maybe it got turned off by the presence of oh so banyaknya saturday nite posers. Jive-talking was playing.. they're good. Then apparently some girl clubbers in da house were gettin hitched and requested to be on stage. there were like 4-5 of them. I cldn't see clearly due to the massive number of posers in the front. But when I did finally see the soon to be hitched girls... I automatically blurted out:

Eh Alamak....! Tak Lawa....!! Eh.. Kalau tak lawa... don't go on stage!... Tak tahu ke?
Not that I'm that good looking but I don't know what I was thinking and I was just soo expecting to see like some Asian Cinderella, jaw dropping beautiful blushing brides to be. Since they dare to go on stage what? Correct or not? Dear Murphy certainly cldn't let this one go! He put... oklah they weren't ugly la... some yuppie secretary girls that employers won't put at the front reception u know... I thought the geekette that serviced my PC was prettier. The fact that she wore glasses (so rare in a girl these days...) and knew more about RAMs, and Hard-drives than me did turn me on. So I thought that wld be it... kahwin.. kahwin la.. then the singer of jive talking made them dance! Wah puki mak... they CANNOT!! REALLY!! They joget like kena sambar petir.. and this coming from a guy who can't dance (i.e. me.. really.. ask Maz and Mang) u know it's bad. U can hear Murphy laughing tergolek golek right about now.

Reached my room with a leakier nose at like 4 am... but it was a good fun night all in all. Moderate amounts of alcohol + Kawanx2 sewel + Special Olympics Participant (i.e. Shahril.. He wore a shirt that had "Special Olympics" in front and certainly lived up to its name) = good time.
So anyway concurrently with all these going ons.. I bought an MP3 player. I really just wanted a thumb drive but I thought may as well get an MP3 player for the interim period before I get my Ipod... whenever that may be. There like ads all over sim lim about this LeMon MP3 player and even a larger than life ad promoting a LeMon model that cld support 2 pairs of earphones saying, "Sharing is Caring". Since it was reasonably priced, I got a 512 LeMon player from a nice pretty albeit ah lianish promoter at $105. Thought it was a good deal. But then again... Murphy had to have another go.

Turns out LeMon is some Cina brand after browsing thru the guide. It had sentences like "Win 2000/ME/XP no needing driver", "Dragging then drop" etc... I shld have known by then I got screwed. But unusually optimistic me began praying for problem free usage of the LeMon till I scrooge enuff for an Ipod. I shld have known the situation was hopeless when then AAA battery they included was cap King Kong. True enuff it worked fine for like A FEW HOURS! I stupidly went jogging with it. First the display became kelam kabut after a while with like black shapes on the lcd dashing about here and there. Switching it off then on again seemed to work. So I kept doing that whenever the display decided to kelam kabut itself. Then the display simply decided to just... not display.. despite watever I did. Fucking LeMon was a real lemon.

Aggravated... I went back to the shop in sim lim today and demanded with a very firm tone that I wanted to trade it for something else of another brand. I didn't have to be firm anyway... the ah lian attending to me was accomodating. Just that trading for another brand got no discount. No discount.. no discount loh. Since I originally wanted only a thumb drive... I kept reminding myself not to add too much to the $105 already spent. I left sim lim with a Creative Muvo V200 for an additional $54 but only half the capacity. They were out of 512s and the 1G model was an additional $119... I'm still wondering if i shld have gotten the 1G. No.. think Ipod... Ipod... save the cash for Ipod..

Well anyway, I discovered that these days "reliability" or just making sure it works is a valuable virtue that u can capitalise commercially. Lanjiao... In the end instead of $105 for 512 LeMon mp3 player that may or may not work on purchase, I had to pay $159 for a 256 Creative player just so i cld be reasonably sure it works. So far Creative Muvo seems to be reliable... its tech support site was very comprehensive and reassuring. Let's hope it at least lasts the interim period between not owning an Ipod and owning an Ipod... Lahanat punya LeMon..

The Return of the "Chee Kha" King

2005-12-20T19:29:00.000+08:00

I'm back in Singapore. Have been back for about 2 days. But I can't seem to shake off this incredible lethargy that has been plaguing me since I passed an invisible boundary at customs. Since I've turned the key to the lock to my room; I haven't left it. Not for anything. I'm a hermit if I ever met one.

Perhaps this lethargy is also a defense mechanism that triggers automatically after traumatic events. The past few weeks have tested my threshold of endurance, shock and sanity. Some events have left some of my principles shaken at the foundation, my beliefs put to the test and all that sort of holistic bullcrap. But I suppose if these events that can be relatively trivial to some of the shit that happens to others, other people can be driven to insane extremities by their circumstances.

So far, upon arriving in Singapore, I've locked myself in my room, have not called any friends or let anyone in Singapore know that I'm here save one, and have no idea what I'm doing here except lying in bed watching tv and wondering what to eat. In my parents' head, I'm here to sort of look for a job or something... I'm sure they're suspecting towards "something".

Ah well... life hasn't been all that shitty. Maybe in some literal aspects which became clear during my visit to my younger brother's 3 bedroom apartment in Sunway, Selangor, recently. He's a student at Sunway College University studying hospitality and management and hotels and stuff like that. So anyway, he shares this apartment with 2 other guys for the same course, so they got a room each.

The first thing that strikes you when u step in the apartment is that it has great potential to be a real great pad but u can't ignore the large mess and filth that goes hand in hand with three 20 yr old guys living in it. I, so far, am the only "dude" that lives and bothers to maintain a more than hospitable environment... that I know of.

But anyway the apartment is a pretty great place. Air-conditioned in 2 rooms, common bathroom, small little kitchen (despite its sad state), cable tv, broadband internet connection, balcony, and a playstation 2 limited edition. Now, one would think that a pad with cable tv, broadband internet and playstation wouldn't be lacking in basic amenities. One, then, would have not yet been acquianted with 3 hospitality college students living together.

The first night, I was up playing the playstation real late... in fact I forgot to sleep. But sometime at about 4-5 am, I had to make a large deposit at the bank first bank of Organic Commerce. So after my "transaction" I wanted to "close the account" and proceeded to look for the "closure" slip a.k.a. toilet paper. Then I noticed that where the toilet paper usually would be, there was none. In fact, a little exploration did not yield any form of toilet or tissue paper in the entire apartment. I even woke up the only other inhabitant in the apartment for that night, a.k.a my brother, only to get confirmation that there is no such thing as toilet paper in the house.

Ok, the inner designer in my being had to be called upon to be creative under severe constraints. The creative solution? All I can say is... who says Cina Tak Cebok?

I just love life... don't you?

2005-12-03T16:37:00.000+08:00

Life is just peachy ain't it? Just when u thought things might be changing for the better, it turns right back around and nips u right in the butt... So details:

People seem to have this incredible propensity to REALLY PISS ME OFF. Parents with their incredibly spoilt child crying his balls off on the bus, the fucking yuppie who pushes u on the mrt because he's late for work, the stupid group of "i just hit puberty" teens chattering their dicks off trying to be cool, AND friends WHO MAKE EMPTY PROMISES. BIG EMPTY PROMISES.

The sordid details of the sad story goes like a friend says, "Hey! Why don't we go get diving license? Then we can go for diving trips."

Me: Huh? I don't really have money for that kinda thing right now..

Him: Eh it's oklah... I can lend u..

Me: Wah? U sure?? We cheapest I can think of is going to Tioman but even then the entire will cost about $600 at the least.

Him: Oklah... can lend u lah... Come larr...

After A LOT OF HESITATION AND DELIBERATION...

Me: Ok... but I think I can find some money la... u don't have to lend me so much.

Him: Yay!

And so, the immediate reason why I sold off ALL OF MY GUITAR GEAR was to fund this trip. After I sold FUCKING everything... I didn't hear much from him about the trip, despite me pestering him a little here and there. I didn't want to be in his face too much because nice, ole "considerate of other people's feelings" me didn't want to be a bugger and bother him just after he finished his exams. But today, 03/12/2005, Satuday he finally came to get to down to details. We planned to leave on Monday, 05/12/2005 or late Sunday because his gf only has leave for 5 days starting Monday and the diving course takes about that many days. So our schedule was fixed.

So we got down to details, and hey guess what? There's a bloody monsoon going on right now on the East coast of M'sia... I may be M'sian but I West side u know what I mean? All my life I needn't be concern with monsoon because it barely affects us on the West side so I'm hardly aware of when the monsoon going on. But anyway there's a monsoon right about now till March next yr, BUT it's ok! The dive centre told us that they could still conduct the course despite the less than ideal circumstances, the water would be a little murky and the island would be pretty much empty except for the bunch of us.

Now being the only M'sian in the bunch that were going, I volunteered to go all the way to JB and get tickets and timings to get to Mersing, so we could work on more definate parameters. But well, he said he wanted to think about it first, and I knew I didn't have a good feeling about this. And this is where life turns around and nips u in your fucking ass. He calls about an hour later and says the words that will forever scar my very delicate insides...

Him: Eh... I think, nevermindlah... some other time lah...

Hmm.. okay... I just sold my beloved "you're worth more to me than anything in the world" guitar, the rest of my fucking gear, spent a week plus bumming around NOT LOOKING FOR A JOB because it's not viable to get a job before the trip, didn't go home to M'sia despite my parents desperate pleadings to come home for my birthday and got a couple of measly hundred bucks from the stuff I sold but NO Made In Japan Ibanez with Dimarzio pickup, NO Korg AX1500G, NO nice Peavey amp, no John Petrucci book to learn anything new, No NOTHING to play with anymore.

I, in effect, gave up playing guitar for a trip that never happened. Wow.. life certainly dealt me a pretty nice hand. But I have to give it to my friend a little bit, I didn't tell him I was going to sell my gear and also me giving up playing music also has other dimensions to it.

I'm going to Penang today to soothe myself and visit perhaps the only friend who has never fucked things up like this for me. Chao...

Superheroes and sand...

2005-12-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

Life, sighz... life is like George Bush, full of crap and the occasional diarrhea. I ate something wrong today and had diarrhea... sadly I wasn't smoking pot and the turds didn't speak to me... or u'd be talking to the Supreme Enlightened Almighty Reverend etc.. etc.. leader of the new Church of Sai-tology. I should be rolling in dough a couple of mths later from all the A.N.A.L. counselling I'd be giving but oh well... I'll take advantage of the next bout of diarrhea.

Today marks, I'd say, a rather significant day in my life... I've sold the last of my guitar gear. No more Jenny, Penny, AX1500G, Peavey Rage amp, Dimarzio pickup, John Petrucci Instruction book with CD, Dunlop fretboard cleaner, etc.. All except my very first Les Paul. That's a bit too sentimental to sell off. Officially giving up guitar. Not sure why I did it, but once my Made in Japan Ibanez got sold, the rest may as go. Not so broke anymore, but the cash doesn't quite feel as special as the equipment. What I didn't sell, I gave away... extra strings, CTS pots, spare humbuckers... may as well do some other guitarist some good. Strange how attached we can be to some of our possessions, me without my gear does seem a lot less me. At least to myself. But well... I'll try something new.

And so to end a depressing phase... here's an entry about everyone's FAVOURITE SUPERHERO titled:

EZAL THE SANDBOARDING KUNANGMAN!!

*Since Kunangman is ethnically Boyan, the following story will be in Malay (I don't know Boyanese)...

...Al-kisah dahulu-kala, di tanah berpasir panjang Arabia, hidup seorang wirawan bergelar KunangMan.. ataupun Al-Kunang. Perwira Al-Kunang gagah berani, penaung gurun, pemberkas penyamun, pelindung yang tidak berdosa dan lemah... sekali sebut namanya, bergeletar semua yang suka menggertak, berbuat jahat dan berani mengganggu aman damai gurun Arabia. Di mana saja ada warga gurun diperkosa, dirompak atau digertak... di situ pastinya Al-Kunang bergegas dengan pantasnya menaiki Mimi, unta kesayangannya, segera menolong yang diperkosa and memberkas yang memperkosa. Asalkan adanya pasangan Al-Kunang dan Mimi si unta... warga gurun hiduplah tenteram senantiasa.

Sesungguhnya, yang tidak diketahui ramai adalah Al-Kunang secara rahsia bercinta dengan awek gurun yang paling molek sekali di UAE. Awek rupawan tersebut tidak bukan, dan bukan tidak Munah si gadis housekeeping yang kerja di Park Hyatt, Dubai. Setibanya pukul 5, hari hari dengan setianya Al-Kunang sedia menunggu dengan Mimi di belakang hotel dekat pintu masuk pekerja menjemput Munah, aweknya. Begitulah hari hari hidup mereka, pagi dia berkas penjenayah, petang dia jemput Munah; pagi dia kerja housekeeping, petang dia dijemput Al-Kunang... sama-sama naik Mimi pulang. Gembira sungguh hidup mereka.

Wahai pembaca, ingatilah bahawa cerita ini berlaku berratus-ratus tahun dahulu, standard "lawa" dulu dengan sekarang agaknya ada sikit berbeza. Tetapi biarlah, asalkan wirawan kita gembira bahagia cukuplah, tak yahlah kita yang takde kerja baca blog orang lain kritik-kritik sangat.

Namun, kebahagiaan wirawan kita dengan makwenya tidaklah bertahan lama, kerana sesungguhnya keayuan Munah gadis housekeeping kat Hyatt tersebar panjang jauh sehingga sampai perhatian penyamun yang paling besar dan jahat di gurun. Penyamun dan arch-nemesis Al-Kunang yang digelar... Mat Horny. Mat Horny teramatlah horny.. (duh..) dan meminati Munah dan ingin menculiknya menjadi bini ke-57. Keesokkan harinya, Mat Horny dengan konco-konco berlakon seolah Sheikh minyak kaya-raya dan menempah kesemua sekali bilik di Grand Park Hyatt, Dubai. Mat Horny merancang menculik Munah dengan memanggil room service. Munah si awek gurun, tanpa menyangsikan apa-apa dengan selamba membawa mee goreng telur yang dipesan Mat Horny ke biliknya. Setibanya di bilik Mat Horny dengan pantasnya menculik Munah dan membawa dia balik ke Gua Horny Besar.

Setibanya detik pukul 5, Al-Kunang tunggu seperti dungu seperti biasa di pintu masuk pekerja sehinggalah diberitahu oleh gadis-gadis housekeeping lain bahawa aweknya diculik. Sesungguhnya, Al-Kunang dan Mimi dengan pantas bergegas ke Gua Horny Besar menyelamatkan Munah. Namun, Mat Horny sudah sedia menerima Al-Kunang dan terus dia melepaskan meriam buluh, menembak Al-Kunang. Biasanya, Mimi si unta cukup tangkas untuk mengelak segala peluru dan sampah yang dibuang kearahnya, tetapi meriam buluh Mat horny diimport dari Korea dan menggunakan technology GPS yang canggih sekali. Hanya dengan nasib yang sungguh bertuah, Al-Kunang berjaya cabut dengan kelam-kabut.

Alangkah sedihnya Al-Kunang yang kehilangan aweknya dan kurang berupaya melawan meriam buluh buatan Korea. Di Gua Horny Besar, Meddling Maz, bini ke-31 Mat Horny cemburu akan ketibaan Munah si gadis housekeeping kerana dia berimpian dan bercita-cita menjadi Bini Terutama Mat Horny kerana Mat Horny sebenarnya baru berumur 16 tahun. Rupa-rupanya, beratus-ratus tahun dahulu pun wujud paedophile. Oleh itu, Meddling Maz berkomplot membantu Al-Kunang menyelamatkan aweknya dan bila senja menjelang, dia secara sunyi mengunjungi Penaung Gurun Arabia tersebut, kerana dia tahu satu-satunya cara untuk menembusi pertahanan Gua Horny Besar.

MM: Hai Sang Wirawan, Penaung Gurun, Wirawan Gagah Arabia, keluarlah dari gerangan pasir and bertemulah aku, Meddling Maz.

AK: Alahai punya bising... Sudahlah aku sedih kehilangan awek-ku, kau pun datang nak becok?

MM: Eh!! Aku datang nak tolonglah! Nah, ambik papan ni.

AK: Eh! Gosoklah baju sendiri!! Aku wirawan lah bukan orang gaji, bodoh.

MM: Ini "sandboard"lah.. bukan papan gosok baju, bahalol! Tak tengok ke "Back to the Future"? Kau buatlah macam Michael J. Fox tu... pantat punya superhero... Esok kau datanglah ambik balik kau punya awek.

Keesokan harinya, tibalah Al-Kunang di Gua Horny Besar buat pertama kali tanpa Mimi, yang terikat kat kandang tepi longkang, untuk menyelamatkan bakal bininya. Sesungguhnya, konco-konco Mat Horny kaku terpegun melihat Al-Kunang dengan "sandboard" yang dipasang satu kipas besar buatan China, berpusing-pusing seperti kepala orang India dan membelok ke sana, ke sini, menggunakan gerakan yang dipelajarinya dari "Tony Hawk's Extreme Skateboarding Video" mengelakkan peluru meriam buluh Korea. Bila Al-Kunang berjaya menembusi segala pertahanan Gua Horny Besar, satu per satu dia menumpaskan konco-konco Mat Horny sehinggalah tinggal Mat Horny seorang menggeletar ketakutan. Al-Kunang segera membebaskan Munah yang dipaksa memakai French maid costume dan terikat secara tak senonoh kat dinding belakang gua dan selepas tu pergi memberkas Mat Horny. Namun, oleh kerana Mat Horny masih bawah umur, Al-Kunang terpaksalah tahan geramnya dan hantar Mat Horny pusat juvana ataupun "centre".

Di situ, Mat Horny terpaksalah menjalani rehabilitasi dan terkurung sehingga 21 tahun. Sesungguhnya, Al-Kunang dengan Munah gadis housekeeping kahwin dan hidup dengan bahagianya buat sepanjang umur. Meddling Maz pula akibat bercinta dengan jantan bawah umur, menerimalah nasibnya untuk mengunjungi Mat Horny di "centre" dipisahkan oleh cermin and berbicara melalui ganggang talipon yang ada kat tepi. Tiap-tiap minggu, mereka bertemu dan berbual-bual sambil makan ketupat dan rendang yang dibawa oleh Maz.

Itulah nasib si bini ke-31 bercinta dengan budak "centre".

THE END.

Since we're on the topic...

2005-12-01T02:03:00.000+08:00

I thought I might as well blab a little more on the funniest, damnest religions that have the unfortunate honour of coming to my attention. Btw, this is a re-typing of an entry that took me 8 hrs that fucking multiply.com destroyed. Thanks you guys, I'm sure your mothers are very proud of u. Assholes...

So, in my first year in varsity as an undergrad (I still am an undergrad... when will it end..) I bumped into a girl in the hall that we shared. For one reason or another, I was in her room one night... having a DISCUSSION... not "doing" her. I don't think about sex all the time... pervs. Anyway our discussion led to religion, and it was from that conversation that I became more aware of another class of idiots called... the Mormons.

She began by asking me if I knew which one of the 12 tribes of Israel I came from.

Me: Huh... But I'm Chinese... some say I'm Baba but... I'm not a Jew...
Her: Oh, don't u know? Everyone is a descendant from one of the 12 tribes of Israel.
Me: Okaaay... So which tribe are YOU from?
Her: Oh, I'm from the tribe of Lephi (or Nephi or something like that la).
Me: Okay..... cool...... how do u know?
Her: Oh, my pastor put his hands over my head and prayed and then he said I was Lephite!

It was then that it hit me that this girl either ada sikit off-centre or belonged to a cult. It turned out to be the latter although that "cult" is rather orthodox and established and has over 12 million members world-wide and is called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), colloquially and commonly known as The Mormons. If u think that there are a few kinds of Christians and we're roughly alike... you could not be more wrong. There are new denominations of protestant churches popping up by the second and some of the things they practice they may as well be an entirely different non-christian affiliated religion.

Talking about keeping the Sabbath day holy, no one takes it more seriously than the Mormons. For the uninformed, the Sabbath day is Sunday. So as soon as the clock hits 00:00 on Sunday till 23:59, these Mormons LITERALLY cannot do anything except perhaps praise God's name. Now being an undergrad inevitably includes late night cramming sessions. The salvation of the average undergrad may lie in cramming late nights before the paper while simultaneously praying for the miracle absorption rate of 4 mths of lectures and tutorials in 2-3 nights, which may include cramming like shit on Sunday for your paper on Monday. But on Saturday nights, this girl watches the clock as it hits 23:59 so that as soon it hits 00:00, she drops her pen, notes, textbook or whatever and "keeps the Sabbath day holy".

And being a Mormon, she can't curse or say things like "shit". So she has go, "Oh shoot.." instead of the more pleasant expletive, "Oh Shit..". And "I have to go shit" will have to replaced with perhaps "I have to go drop 'bombs'" or "I'll have to drop off some 'friends' at the pool" or simply, "I have to excrete". Political-correctness probably began with these bastards. She also doesn't drink coffee because the "prophets" from her church say caffeine is bad, say nothing of alcohol.

Since we're all now roughly acquianted with the Mormons, let me shed some light on its "humble" beginnings. The Mormon religion began about 200 yrs ago when a man named Joseph Smith who lived somewhere in New York or Utah "discovered" gold plates on which were written new gospels of Jesus Christ. Apparently, a long long time ago, Isrealites arrived in America by floating in barrels and stuff like that and they were the real native Americans. These "native Americans" established societies, reared animals and even fought battles. During this time, Jesus supposedly "dropped by" IN AMERICA on his way to Palestine or something and preached to these "native Americans". But one day, they fought a huge battle that did them all in. But before they went on their way to oblivion, a dude named Moroni hid these gold plates on which he had inscribed the gospels of Jesus and buried them... in his settlement in America.

So one day in the 1800s, Joseph Smith was praying asking God if he should be a Catholic or a Protestant. But God said, "Nay.. they have all got it wrong, and I'd like u to start your own church". And the angel Moroni (note: Moroni is spelt "Moron" with an "i") appeared before Joseph and gave him a "magic seer stone" and told him to use it to locate the gold plates. So little Joseph went a-diggin round about the place where he was told to and found the gold plates (which btw, he never showed anyone and no one but him ever saw). The plates were inscribed in what Joseph claimed to be "reformed Egyptian" (a language which again, no whatever scientist or expert say has ever existed), which no one understood at that time. But wait! The "magic seer stone" also doubled as a translating device which could translate "reformed egyptian" into English.

And so he proceeded to translate the plates which were to become the Book of Mormon. He sat in one half of a room separated by a blanket, and on the other side sat his secretary, Mr. Martin Harris who wrote everything as Joseph dictated. Martin wasn't allowed to see the plates because if he did he would beleaguered by plague, disease and what not. So at the end they transcribed 116 pages worth of "gospels" and Martin brought the manuscript home. Now, Martin had a somewhat smart wife, named Lucy Harris. Lucy was a little suspicious that God and an angel spoke to Joseph and made the claims he said. So Lucy said, "Dearie, if we hide the manuscript and if God REALLY spoke to Joseph, he'd be able to translate it again word word won't he?". And so poor old Martin went back to Mr. Smith and told him that he's lost the manuscript but he'd be willing to dictate it all over again, shouldn't be a problem, should it now?

But Joseph Smith went to pray and when he came said, "God is very angry with me for letting u take the transcript home and won't let me translate from the plates of Lehi again (the particular plate the Mr. Smith supposedly "translated" from) but I must translate from the plate of Nephi, because God told me that the Devil had caused the transcript to be lost that he may alter it and confuse man." And so the did it all over again and printed the Book of Mormon with a preface that "a previous manuscript/translation had been done but lost due to the devil, etc, etc..". So if ever the previous manuscript were to appear again and differed from the printed version, the differences were "done by the Devil himself to confuse and misdirect man".

Good old Mr. Smith also went to write other books, among which was The Book of Abraham which he claimed to have procured actual Egyptian papyri from a travelling salesman on which were written the preachings/teachings or whatever of Abraham when he was in Egypt. Bear in mind 200 yrs ago, nobody could actually read/translate Egyptian symbols till a Frenchie named Champollion or something successfully managed decipher them. BUT WOW, don't count out good old Mr. Smith yet! Apparently written history was wrong about Champollion being the first. Good old Smith translated the papyri ALL BY HIMSELF. And he didn't show anyone the pieces of papyrus either. He only allowed people to see what he had traced from them. Recently, his little notebook of which he translated Egyptian symbols was recovered.

In it he translated Egyptian symbols into English and into words apparently only he could understand. He made up words like "je-oh-ah" and "olliblish" and from a single vertical line symbol he said it represents:

"Beth-Ba-eth. This character is from the first degree. It has an arbitrary sound or signification which is Beth; and also a compound sound which is Za and comprise one simple sentence for its signification. It is only increased or lessened in it signification, or enlarges the sentence. Two connections increases its signification still: Three increases it still: Four increases still and five still, This is as far as a sentence can be carried in the first degree."

And from a single symbol he could derive 76 words. Mr. Smith has God-given talent indeed.

The papyri scrolls did exist but he never showed anyone but instead showed people the tracings he did of it. In a picture with 3 figures standing, one sitting and one black figure he claimed to be a picture of Abraham sitting down preaching to the king, prince, a royal servant and the black guy is naturally a slave. But when the papyri scrolls eventually went to the hands of archaeologists, the picture was interpreted as actually to depict Isis, Osiris, Maat (female!), a deceased person and the black guy was Anubis. An on the REAL PAPYRUS Anubis had the head of a jackal, which is THE WAY Anubis is depicted. On Joseph Smith's trace drawings, the black guy had a round head. And when archaeologists got the papyri from the Mormon Church, there were PENCIL marks ON IT where good old Smith had decided to alter them. This is ONE among other papyrus pieces that got distorted in the good "prophet's" hands.

Mormons have somewhat "different" take on God. U know.. that supreme, almighty, perfect, infallible, big daddy in the sky and ruler of the universe? Humans also didn't start out in the physical state we're gotten comfortable in, but as spirit-beings and then fused us with physical bodies. Anyway, well God... in the Mormon view... didn't start out as DA BOMB as He is now, He wasn't perfect but somehow "earned" His way to being the great almighty supreme ruler of our universe. SOOOO... in the same way, a Mormon... if he/she (oops sorry not she... for Mormons women as very much less valuable than men) was a VERY "TERROR" Mormon whist on Earth... that Mormon will be rewarded in the after-life with a world of his own. A world of his own which he can rule over, and give birth to spirit beings for which to populate his "world".

And they apparently claim that Jesus was a pretty horny fellow who apparently has multiple spouses. And so it's A GOOD THING, according to them, to be just like Jesus and have... multiple spouses. Well multiple wives anyway, not husbands... since women aren't as valuable as men. Women can also not attain any position of importance in the Mormon Church, with the exception of chief dishwasher, other than marrying a man of rank in the church. Reincarnation is also a real concept in that church, and evil people are reincarnated into cursed race. I'm not sure what race that is but they're black. But they soon realised the folly of these sexist and racist beliefs at about 1966 when it somehow became not financially beneficial due to new anti-racist/polygamy tax policies or something that the US govt implemented. :D

I'm not sure why but they also talk about animals and stuff. There were apparently elephants in America at a time when written history say they haven't yet been introduced by the Spanish. FYI, elephants aren't indigeneous to America. One frustrating thing which I, despite my best efforts, haven't been able to uncover is what is their magic underwear for?? I swear... the Mormons have "magic underwear" which is sacred and cannot be allowed to touch the ground, which they have to wear everywhere they go, even to bed... perhaps not when they copulate. Man... I'm so glad God put these people here on Earth... for my amusement.

I say...

2005-12-01T02:00:00.000+08:00

I say... my luck may be changing. After having 12 hrs of creative effort annihilated by the bastards at multiply.com, a chinaman (I'm not particularly partial to PRCs) came a-knockin at my door at 1 am today. I thought the Chinaman wanted to complain abt the volume or something lame like that but then...

PRC: Uh... hi... Can I have some South Park?

Me, being the biggest South Park ambassador of the world was stunned... chinaman are now sophisticated enough to enjoy South Park? But comedy over prejudice, I cheerfully agreed, glad that at least one PRC is slowly acquiring culture :D So I gave him the 5 episodes of season 9 he wanted and he gave me... his PC monitor!!

Hey, I didn't con him or nothin. He gave it to me willingly in exchange for some episodes of South Park.. Ah the joy that crude insensitive humour brings to us all. The dude saw the sorry state of my flat screen monitor and offered me his old monitor. His motherboard had burned out and he got a laptop and now he has no use for his monitor which he charitably donated to this kind ambassador of Southpark. Maybe in the future I shall explore my Chinese roots, perhaps Mao Tze Tung's China isn't all that bad after all...

You Sons of Bitches...

2005-12-01T01:57:00.000+08:00

Dear multiply.com administration,

You guys have fucked up my journal entries for 2 nights straight. Twice in a row have I finished my very taxing and excruciating entries on this journal and clicked "save and publish" only to find... *POOF*... I'm redirected to my home page with no new journal entry in sight. Despite going back and forth on the browser and trying what not and receiving no respite.

Ye has fucked up a grand total of 12 hrs of MY creative effort and ruined 2 perfectly good entries and hast denied thousands much amusement that beings meaning to their hollow lives. You, dear multiply.com admin, are the cause of all misery on earth and beelzebub has but created a special layer of hell for thee. Woe art thou when thy spends eternity with a 3 pronged fork shoved up thy ass driven in Charles Manson himself and the Blair Witch slicing thy testicles.

Dear multiply.com admin, I officially HATE you.
Suck my dick.

Yours truly,
Andrew Chee

Of Desperation and Scientology Pt. II

2005-11-28T00:08:00.000+08:00

*it continues...

So dear friends, after the previous discourse, one can come to many conclusions. You could conclude that superstar actors can be kind of dumb, people are that bloody gullible, or there are people who know that people can be that dumb and gullible.

BUT... the conclusion I came to almost instantly and certainly like the most is... one of the BEST ways to make WHOLE LOT OF MONEY... is to START A NEW RELIGION.
So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... The Church of SAI-tology.

I, Reverend Great Pastor Honorable Excellency Most High Supreme Almighty Very Revered Really Smart Prominueous Andrew, tell you solemnly that... I alone have found and know the absolute truth. And I tell u also that u cannot be happy unless you know this truth and follow in my church... I have come to save one and all... for just a "nominal" administration fee... u know... I need to print booklets and stuff and new bibles and install gold taps and basins in my.. um... for booklets and bibles everyone.. come follow me.

As I was sitting on the Aqueus Throne (that is the true name of the toilet bowl as reveal to me) after smoking the smart plant (ganja) and a bout of severe diarrhea, it was revealed to me that the truth in life lie in our turds.

As I dropped "bomb" after "bomb", an "explosion" of enlightenment overwhelmed me and my being and innards were brought into a new "dimension". There the ancient turds of times past spoke to me. The wise ultra fibrous entities endowed onto me, knowledge of the profound truth, that I may begin a new church to bring forth mankind unto true happiness.

Many eons ago, Turdtopia (this part of the galaxy) and its denizens lived most harmoniously in the protection of the balance. All the planets shared in the infinite providence of the balance, until... the arrival of the Inter-galactic Disruptor Xumthor.

Xumthor and his Disruptites came to mount a hostile take-over of Turdtopia and harness the infinite power of the balance. Xumthor would have succeeded and almost plunged Turdtopia into chaos if not for the last stand of the Final Turdtopian Resistance. The Resistance overthrew Xumthor and his minions and put them behind inter-galactic jail where he waits to stand trial in year 4100.

But victory did not come without dire consequences. In the course of defeating the invaders, a large core of the balance's energy had to be dispersed and separated. The balance's great providence had to be comprised and could no longer sustain the great Turdtopia. In a last ditch attempt to keep the existance of the Balance, all species of Turdtopians converged and focused their life-turd forces to create a single solar system and a single planet and single specie of which will be imbued the secret of the Balance, before the total imminent destruction of Turdtopia.

That solar system is this one, that planet is Earth, and that specie is Man. The weakened essence of the remaining balance had to kept in a moist, warm environment and hence Man had to be created with a moist and warm container. The turdtopians created within us a most sacred of containers, the Acclamatizing Navigational Universal Store (A.N.U.S.). In it was imprinted the truth of life on Earth that one day the imprints may be learnt and all of mankind may achieve the harmony and balance of the Turdtopian Past.

The truth of life is imprinted everyday in our turds as they past thru the Acclamatizing Navigational Universal Store and are unique in every human. We need only read our turds to discover our purpose, the more "truths" we uncover, the higher SH (Shit Head) level we acquire. But to read the holy truths in our turds, one must be enlightened by the wise ultra fibrous entities. Since I am the only "enlightened" one so far, responsibility has fallen upon me to enlighten the rest of Mankind.

I have created an Abstraction Nook Ante-posterior Locomotive Probe Meter (A.N.A.L Probe Meter) that can transcribe and interpret the secrets of truths left behind by the Turdtopians. U can receive A.N.A.L. Counselling for only a nominal fee of US$350. It may sound expensive, but what would u not give to know absolute truth that leads to life in harmony? ;)

In the Church of SAI-tology, I will reveal to all the secrets of harmony, after you cash in about a US$100,000 or so. The catalyse the learning of truth, it is essential to meditate on the Aqueus Throne and smoke the Smart Plant and have butt sex. And all this will be revealed to SAI-tologists SH3 and above, because before that, the truth may seem too utterly ridiculous and inconceivable. Just trust and have faith that I'm enlightened and u are not and open your wallets and join the one true religion, The Church of SAI-tology. And I, Reverend Great Pastor Honorable Excellency Most High Supreme Almighty Very Revered Really Smart Prominueous Andrew, will bring all of u to happiness.

Of Desperate Times And Scientology

2005-11-28T00:07:00.000+08:00

My dear friends (however few...) and dickheads and assholes (there's just too many...)

Si Beh Desperate times have fallen upon me, although design project submission is over, exams are done, and i've shaved my head. I... I... gosh.. I don't know how to say this... I've had to sell Jenny (My first 7 string) and my unnamed flying V. And to top it off, I sold my flying V for a measly $36.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am SI BEH DESPERATE.Whenever I have to sell something like a guitar, I am desperate. When I have to sell more than one of my beloved musical instruments, I am Si Beh Desperate. Selling my ass does not tantamount to this amount of desperation (I would actually sell my ass instead of my guitars except i'm not sure how...)

And in times of desperation and helplessness, it is only in our lousy human nature to turn to something we perceive as infallible, the Higher Being, The Greater Reason etc... I am being blasphemous despite (believe it or not..) my staunch belief in God and the Catholic Church. I just said I believe in God... Doesn't mean I'm supposed to be a devout freak... unlike the kid they recently found sitting under a tree and hasn't moved for the last 6 mths (seems to me he's just chilling out... chilling out does not equal Buddha) and his devotess claim he hasn't eaten and drank in that period but don't allow anyone to observe him at night... and also unlike... SCIENTOLOGIST! Like our beloved Tom Cruise.

In these times of si beh desperation, I found myself recalling the existance of a Church called The Church of Scientlogy (thanks the the latest episode of Southpark). But despite my utter desperation (this is getting redundant), I could not make understand or comprehend how or what kind of shit these people got themselves into that Scientology provides them relief. Let me bring forth the "Creed of Scientology".. The following, I swear, are what Scientologist actually believe.

Now... a long long time ago, 75 million yrs to be exact,... in a galaxy far far away, this one actually... was ruled by a dude named... Lord Xenu. One day, the great ruler of our galaxy decided that all of this 79 planets in the galaxy he ruled over, was over populated. And so, Lord Xenu and his goons, forcibly gathered billions and billions of alien citizens from the 79 planets and had them frozen static.

He put the frozen billions of aliens in inter-galactic cruisers which look very much like earth's DC-8 aircrafts but with rocket boosters and took them to... you guessed it... Earth! There, he put all the frozen aliens around the volcanoes of Hawaii and nuked them! So now the aliens were dead and overpopulation solved. But wait...!!

The aliens may be dead but their SOULS were released. The all knowing Lord Xenu anticipated this and had "soul catchers" placed in the sky and subsequently captured all the alien souls (called 'thetans' by scientologist). He gathered the souls and had them placed in "soul brain-washing" facilities where they were shown movies and made to believe "false truths" like history, Jesus Christ, Buddha, Islam, George Bush, China etc... generally every religion and everything we perceive as fact as well.

And so having brain-washed and confused these souls, he set them loose on earth. These souls wandered about here and there until the dawn of Man... when they attached themselves to US. Now being attached to humans, they are now defined as "body thetans". So all of us have LOADS of these "body thetans" attached to us, and according to the Church of Scientology, are THE cause of misery, sadness, despression and every problem on earth.

BUT then came along L. Ron Hubbard (primarily a science fiction writer, and has a long list of criminal records, prevalently.. fraud) who was going to save us all and hence started the Church of Scientology. He somehow, by closing his eyes and beginning to write, uncovered this horrible truth and sought to free mankind from all misery... at a price. He created something he calls an "E-meter" which can detect the thetan level in us and help rid us of these "body-thetans".

U can have these "Audit-Counselling" sessions for like a couple of hundred US dollars. U begin with an Operating Thetan 1 (or OT1 for short) and as u progress u get to become OT2 till 9 the more you're able to get rid of your body-thetans. You will apparently be happier and gain super-powers like mind over matter the higher OT you are. You are only revealed the horrible truth about Xenu and his deeds once you reach OT3. Apparently some people spend like US$360,000 to reach OT6. FYI, Tom Cruise is an OT6.

So ladies and gents, for about a half a million USD, YOU CAN BE HAPPY!! WOW!! God bless L. Ron Hubbard. And not only that... after being happy, u can gain...SUPER POWERS! No scientologists has gained any yet... except the power of self-delusion... but you can ALWAYS BE THE FIRST! And ladies and gents, Tom Cruise is an IDIOT!

Professor Mang.

2005-10-22T02:12:00.000+08:00

Oh man... I just had to blog again... I know I just posted an entry a couple of hrs ago but that was before I read my university mail box. All design students are invited to a guest lecture at Singapore Poly by... get this... Prof Mang!

For those not in the know... Mang is this goofy deliberately dopey guy that this circle of friends of mine hang out with. The guy's an incredible singer and an incredible goof. Obviously this Mang and the Prof Mang isn't the same fella. The prof is some German guy while Mang the Goof is your typical off the run Malay who tries to trick others to think that he's actually retarded. (Once again, I'm not racist... I make fun of all races Equally. I have more Chinese jokes than a commie Jap.) But the Incredible Irony!! Oh how thou doest mock me! The idea that our dear goof ball Mang could secretly a Professor... oh and the lecture!! Wait till u guys see what the lecture is about...

Here's the email:

Dear Students,

for your information please. Arrangements are being made for Professor Mang to deliver a guest lecture at the Department.

Regards,

CHEOK Yin Peng (Ms)
Department of Architecture
National University of Singapore
4 Architecture Drive
Singapore 117566
Tel: +65-6516-5186
Fax: +65-6779-3078
Email: akicyp@nus.edu.sg

-----Original Message-----
From: Teresa Chua [mailto:teresa@worldtoilet.org]Sent: Wed 10/12/2005 12:43 PMTo: Undisclosed-Recipient:;Cc:
Subject: Invitation to the First Ecological Sanitation Course at World Toilet College

Dear Sir/ Mdm, The World Toilet Organization would like to invite you to the first Ecological Sanitation Course at World Toilet College.
Date: 14-19 November 2005
Time: 8.30am - 5.30pm
Venue: Singapore Polytechnic (Exact location to be confirmed later)
Closing Date: 28 October 2005
Learning Objectives:
a.. Know and understand the principles of sustainable, affordable and ecological sanitation systems
b.. How to integrate improved sanitation systems in restroom designs

Course Outline: a. . Fundamentals and Systems of Sustainable, Affordable and Ecological Sanitation b.. Case Studies & Exercises c.. Field Work d.. Topics related to Ecological Sanitation such as fresh water, solid waste and storm water management, vocational training and job creation, and economy aspects. e.. Fundraising strategies for piloting ecological sanitation
Trainers:
a.. Jack Sim, WTO
founder
b.. Prof Heinz-Peter Mang - engineer for renewable energies, rainwater harvesting and sustainable toilet & sanitation management, Principal of WTC, Professor at the Chinese Academy of Agricultural Engineering
c.. Thilo Panzerbieter - civil engineer for ecological sanitation systems, WTO field team
d.. Elisabeth-Maria Huba - social scientist, expert for sustainable implementation of family, neighbourhood or community based affordable and ecological sanitation systems, WTO field team.

Limted Seats only! Hurry! Sign up TODAY to avoid disappointment! Please see enclosed detailed information of this course and the registration form. Should you have any enquires or require further details, please do not hesitate to contact to me. Many thanks.

Regards,
Teresa Chua Marketing Communications ExecutiveWorld Toilet Organization
Tel: 65 6841 1621Fax: 65 6841 2891Email: teresa@worldtoilet.org

Jesus Christ! (This is one of the few times it's justified to take the Lord's name in vain, I'm going to hell anyways.) Can u beat that??!! Prof Mang on Ecological Sanitation at WORLD TOILET COLLEGE!! I swear man.. I'm not shittin u guys... Unless the whole thing is an elaborate hoax by my university department to tickle my funny bone, this email is authentic!

The idea that our near retarded Mang could secretly be a Professor, an engineer of sustainable toilet and sanitation management, and The Principal of WORLD TOILET COLLEGE and about to give Singapore a lecture on how to manage their toilets.. nearly fucking killed me. If I wasn't sure that the email originated from the architecture dept itself, this would be the kinda shit Mang would specialize in if he ever became a professor. "Shit!"... Goddamn... the irony... Oh how doest thou mock me,,

If I only knew of the existance of World Toilet College when I was applying for entry into university after A levels...

The Celup Incident

2005-10-21T23:24:00.000+08:00

I volunteered to write for my Catholics' Students Society whatever Paper, that I couldn't care less about, on one of the recent outings that my faculty level Catholic society has conducted. I chose an open house that one of the fellow ABENGS (Architecture, Building and real estate, EngineeriNG Catholic cell group) held at his girlfriend's place. They were going to have home-made satay celup. Needless to say I didn't bother to attend the event because I was sure it would suck ass because everybody else's cooking is lousier than mine. But I wrote about it anyway.

*Satay celup is a Malacca specific delicacy that involves boiling stuff like sausages, quail's eggs, pig's ears, cockles, fish, pork, chicken and and whatever balls on a stick in really thick scrumptious sweet and spicy peanut curry gravy. There was no way those amateurs could recreate something this exquiste without entensive cooking experience and especially NOT BEING MALACCANS, short of a miracle.

Here is my submission to the Catholic Students Paper verbatim:

*Disclaimer: The writer was not present at the celup-celup event but to the best of his knowledge of his fellow abengs (which is rather limited), the event in all probability took place in the following manner.

Episode Celup

A long, long time ago… In a HDB far, far away… The lost 22nd chapter of the gospel of John was found… In it were detailed instructions by Jesus for hungry Asians on the miracle of turning water into peanut gravy. The Asian “Let’s See If It Works” Faction of the Vatican experimented with the miracle and created about 15oz of miracle peanut elixir. But the repercussions of such an astounding experiment (imagine the profits…) were too volatile to be shared. Exponentially exponential economic booms in the Asian market would cause Asian stocks and currency trading to rise to about $35.647 US Dollars to one Singapore Dollar. Many hungry Asians would suddenly become at least 35.647 times richer and forget to pray to God for providence thus causing a severe depletion of faith in the Asian community. For fear of this, the gospel of John 22 was kept by a little known ultra-secret group within the Vatican called A.P.A.D. (Associated Protectors of Amazing Discoveries…or Adrian, Priscilla, Albert and Druce). But the secret has been leaked, a separatist semi-military-semi-dungeon-and-dragons-fundamentalist-obviously-cuckoo-rather-hungry group has launched a not so covert operation to seize John’s 22nd gospel…

The Vatican @ Bukit Batok…

Abbot Adrian: How fare thee ridiculously loyal members of A.P.A.D.? Is all well with the most holy peanut gravy and its recipe?

Priscilla the Pretty: Aye, noble abbot. The most holy of recipes art safe from filthy hands of economists and greedy capitalists.

Albert the Acrobat: Aye, aye. Hark now, we shall feast on peanut elixir once more in celebration of absolutely nothing.

Devourer Druce: Oh… um… hey… I… um… kinda… ate it all.

Rest of A.P.A.D.: Wah Lau… Why doest thou always…

Suddenly there is loud crash and the separatist-fundamentalist-whatever-group mentioned earlier comes stumbling in through a large gaping hole in the wall.

Abbot Adrian: Hark! It be A.P.A.D.’s sworn nemesis, Marauding Mark and his band of Hungry A-go-gos. What doest thou and thy dastardly bunch desire from the Holy Order of A.P.A.D.?

*Note: Separatist-Fundamentalist-Whatever-Group = Marauding Mark and Hungry A-go-gos = Mark, Jacob, Felicia, Dwi, Meiting, Justin, Darryl, Karen.

Marauding Mark: Ah-hah! Adulterated Adrian! Hand over John’s gospel that thou hast in thy protection, lest ye be marauded by hungry a-go-gos.

Abbot Adrian: No… I’m Abbot Adrian and nay… thou can-nah have the sacred gospel. Doest thou wish to bring economic doom upon the Americans?

Priscilla the Pretty: We’d give you some, you guys, but Druce kinda ate it all.

Devourer Druce: Yea… sorry. My bad.

Devilish Darryl: Hear ye. We wish not for some. We come for the gospel itself. Thy conservative faith has failed thee. Come and join yon who embrace capitalism that thou may be blessed with stocks from yahoo!.

Flashy Flea: Come hither milady. Doesn’t thou cravest soft silky hair like mine and glittery adornments on thy bosom and ankle ‘stead of thy frizzy locks and dry skin? Thou hast really ought to try some moisturizer with Vit. E for thy rough dish-washed hands.

Jockstrap Jacob: Doest not thou wish for Reeboks like mine for thy acrobat endeavors, Albert?

Marauding Mark: Aye, Abseiling Adrian, embrace capitalism and I shall mentor thee in the ways of the free market and form thy own Galactic Peanut Gravy Trade Empire.

Abbot Adrian: It’s ABBOT Adrian and nay… Globalization can-nah withstand the revelations of John 22. I care not thy larking and thou art but dorks and I shall poke thee with a fork!

An epic battle ensues that would be retold generation after generation if only peanuts were really that important. Marauding Mark and his bunch of hungry A-go-gos charge forward and attack A.P.A.D. with the ferocity of a sleepy sloth. Marauding Mark and Devilish Darryl tackle Abbot Adrian with a Coke can and a McDonald’s paper bag. The courageous abbot puts up what can be only described as the most valiant fight a metrosexual is capable of while riding a mechanical bull in 4 seconds. But the abbot, overwhelmed by such powerful symbols of franchise and globalization succumbs and is subdued by Mark and Darryl.
Malicious Meiting and Jolly Justin using wit and cunning trick Druce the Devourer into buying an insurance policy against impending ice-ages convincing him that Global Warming is a real threat. Flashy Flea and Kurvacious Karen attack the only girl on the opposing side to make this ordeal seem less sexist and more politically correct. The only A.P.A.D member not subdued is Albert the Acrobat who successfully dodges Jockstrap Jacob’s every attempt to catch him using fully rehearsed and choreographed sports entertainment moves ala WWE. But evil half breed half Korean half Indonesian Mage Dwi casts an Anti-Gravity spell which reduces Albert’s agility by 7 points, enabling Jacob to easily force Albert to smell what the Rock is cooking.

Marauding Mark: Thy farcical group hast been subdued. Hand over thee the lost gospel of John lest thy face more attacks of exaggerated globalization.

Abbot Adrian: Thou hast won this battle, but thy capitalist heart can-nah possess the sacred gospel of John, for thy globalized soul can-nah comprehend the wisdom of beyond.

Just when all seem to have been lost to the capitalist free market, a bright light envelops the flat and an apparition of a most divine nature appears before the warriors. The hungry a-go-gos, stunned by this celestial being that seemed to be beyond the grip of capitalism, stare dumbfounded at The Magic Druid Dyan, ancient protector of miracle recipes. Magic Druid Dyan, with the power of prescription, prescribes miraculous painkillers that science has also proven to be effective against strokes to the weakened members of A.P.A.D. who jump up with the new source inexplicable energy and overcome their aggressors.

Marauding Mark: No… How can it be? She does not have valid certification to prescribe stuff that potent.

Abbot Adrian: Nay, marauders, our faith has once again triumphed over thy capitalism. For you see, capitalism has only profits in mind and hinders advancement. For example, a light bulb has been invented that very rarely needs replaced. And the owner of the patent is also a manufacturer of light bulbs. Thus to protect his profits, the light bulb will never be marketed to the market. The general public will never know of these inventions. Thus while thy capitalist market were busy marketing and patenting existing painkillers and limiting distributors to protect profits, Magic Druid Dyan has developed a much potent version of painkiller. But because it was developed out of the capitalist system, categorized under home remedies and not recognized by the FDA, it therefore does require prescription.

Marauding Mark: Kanasai…

So that was my recount (or rather, fabrication) of the event. I wonder how much will be edited or more probably, never see the light of printing. I can only hope my fellow undergraduate Catholics aren't stifled enough by pretentious religiosity to appreciate humour... however dumb or perverted. Well on my defence, South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker are Catholics... or so I heard. But all 3 of us are going to the deepest layer of Hell when they die and when I kill myself over overwhelming apathy and nihilism over life. Yea.. down with Capitalism.

Freaque du Soleil (2nd world tour)

2005-10-15T00:20:00.000+08:00

The world's favourite travelling freak show is back with its 2nd installation promising more freaks and excitement following the incredible success of its first world tour. I can feel the critics drooling in anticipation (or waiting to stab me).

Presenting:

Freaque du Soleil (Re~tar~dando)
featuring:

The Amazing Shah "Speech Impediment Man" Ril:
He keeps u guessing as he recites the Emancipation Proclamation which is he thinks is the title of a hip hop song. Besides being retarded, he is also redundant with a degree from the University of Redundancy University to prove it. You'll have to listen very closely to what he says very closely with your mind focused very closely listening to what he says.

Influences: Mazlinda Salleh
Influenced by: Robert Deniro
Movies: Analyse This/That
Quotes: "You, you, you,... you... you're good... you, you..."

Tweedle Ran and Tweedle Zit (a.k.a. Imran and Yazzit):
Freaque du Soleil returns with another fresh twin act entitled "Rancid" (i.e. Ran + Zit). The Rancid brothers astound with gravity defying acts (despite their size and Yazzit's colour)... have u seen pong played "live"? They would put on a Siamese Twin show but we still haven't found strong enough cellotape that could hold them together. But audience... no matter how tempted u may feel, please DO NOT FEED the twins.

Influences: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
Movies: The Parent Trap
Quotes:

Freaque du Soleil

2005-10-14T22:03:00.000+08:00

I've been buggered to continue posting, (thanks for the encouragement tho ;-) and so after given a few ideas... I was thinking.. (seem to be doing a lot of it recently) We (the few ppl that will be mentioned) seem to be a "talented" bunch. So what if... just what if....... we were a travelling freak show? Ladies and gents... I present to you:

Freaque du Soleil (Sin~a~Mour)
featuring...

The incredible flexible 'Man'g in box, Mangsta:
Be prepared to be wow'ed as Mangsta lean as pasta squeezes fluidly into a Rubik's Cube while solving it at the same time! This fellow fluid like jello has wow'ed audiences around the world with his flexible "multitasking" including hip hopping in a box, picking teeth with feet while juggling monkeys and reciting all the lyrics to Sir Mix-A-Lot's I like Big Butts.

Influences: Orang Minyak (Oily Man), Vanilla Ice and Lou Diamond Phillips
Movies: Lagenda Orang Minyak Kampung Batu Bergolek (The Oily Man Legend of the Rolling Stones Village)
Quotes: Left hand blue! Right leg green!

Raging Lesbo Twins Masochistic Munah and Audacious Aixa:
See their tombs being raided as they bring lesbianism to unimaginable heights in this "twin" drama. Critics call it "the sequel to Karma Sutra" and "the Homo Sutra". They have flexibility where it counts. Their "Cumming Out of the Closet" act is not to be missed. And if u think only their faces look identical... think again...

Influences: Amelie Orgasmo and Ellen Degeneres
Bands: The not-so-White Stripes
Quotes: The journey of a thousand oragsms begins with a single climax

Little Bulging Belly Dancing Big Nose Firefly (that's Ezal by the way...):
This little asian delight will dazzle you with the little known oriental art of bulging belly dancing with fire (actually there's just a light up his ass, ala firefly). Freaque du Soleil can guarantee you've never seen the battle of the bulges being won this way. Be astounded as he puts out his fire with his incredible nasal abilities.

Influences: 1001 Arabian Nights, Barbra Streisand and Dr. Mahathir
Songs: Flight of the Bumbling Bee
Quotes: History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it... and omit the parts about my nose.

The Incredible Chinese Mountain Blinking Princess Ying:
The princess with so much "bling" that she blinks... all the time due to the bright glare of her "Made in China" Jewellry. Straight from the mountains, the wows the crowd with about 547,478,892,985,327 blinks and... not sure what else she does... but she has her fluttering eyes on you.

Influences: P-Diddy, Ali G, perhaps Chairman Mao.
Shows: The Ahpelentis, The Amazing Lace, Bacherlelette
Quotes: Like a virgin... Bling for the vely first time..

Credits:
Munah
Munah
Munah
Munah
Munah
Munah
Munah
Munah

*If any one of u are offended... IT WAS HER IDEA!

2005-10-04T19:04:00.000+08:00

My Friends (Pt. 2)

More porno to look out for:

Couple No.3: Juicy Justine and Deepa Throat in "Desert Dereliction".

Deepa is trapped in a blistering desert, thristy beyond imagination with no oasis in sight...

DT: Oh.. I am being so very thristy... Why oh why did I wandering into desert? Cursing my bloody donkey.. Oh what is this I am finding?

Rubs old looking lamp.. and Juicy Justine appears amidst a cloud of smoke..

JJ: HOHOHO! I am the juicy genie of the juicy lamp. For rubbing my spout, I will be granting u ONE wish!

DT: Oh THANKING YOU! I am trapping in desert and no water drinking.. I am wanting so badly some water.

JJ: Easily done! But one condition. My juices can only be sucked out of my spout.

DT: This lamp here?

JJ: No... "my spout" here. It spills juices of life and immorality. It only works deep in your throat, use your throat deepa.

DT: Oh my goodiness, to save my life I will have to be using Deepa's Throat then.. come genie.

Couple No. 4: Not Shai and Booby Bimbz in "Inter-galactic Intercourse".

Grandmaster Not Shai instructs Booby Bimbz in the ways of the Jedi.

NS: Strong you are... but complete your training you must...

BB: But master, I am ready!

NS: Very impatient u are. Much to prove to have, young padawan.

BB: Then let me prove myself, Master Not Shai.

NS: Very well, against my light saber, defend yourself. Use Chastity Pussy against Penetrating Saber.

BB: Oh Master... Don't penetrate me!

2005-10-04T15:42:00.000+08:00

My Friends

I was thinking... (wow that's amazing! u actually think..).. a large percentage my friends are already attached or have some sort of significant other. Only us special few are still single (by choice or by no choice).

I was wondering what these "couple'd" friends of mine do when they're not around us... They could be doing a variety of things but what if... they were making... PORNO! Here are a couple of home-made pornos we could viewing in the future:

Couple No.1: EEErotic EEEzal and Jahanamunah

EEErotic EEEzal (EEE) the teacher walks into his class in Fairyfield Methosadist and demands their homework..

EEE: Alritey class, hand in your homework.

Jahanamunah (JM): Mr. E... I didn't do my homework,,,

EEE: Meet me in my office after class.

Later in Mr. E's office...

JM: U wanted to see me Mr. E?

EEE: U will address me as "Sir"!

JM: Yess.. siirrr..

EEE: I will have to "punish" you for not doing your homework. Why didn't u do your homework?

JM: I waass doing my homework Mr. E..

EEE: Sir!

JM: I was doing my homework, siirrr... but then my boyfriend came over and distracted me sir..

EEE: That's not an excuse! How did he distract u?

JM: Like this siirr.......................... mmmm...mmmm... and then... mmmm...mmmm...

EEE: I see.... but that's still not an excuse to not do your homework. I'm afraid the only way u'll learn to do your homework is by stripteasing and bending over.. come here.

JM: Mmm... Yes Sir....

Couple No.2: Dastardly Derek and Zesty Zhangyu

Zesty Zhangyu, the vigilante or sorts, busts Dastardly Derek in his secret hideout for dastardly deeds.

ZZ: Ah Hah!! I have founding you Dasderdy Delek!

DD: So you have found my secret hideout... but u'll NEVER take me alive!

ZZ: Where is you sidekick, Orgasmo? I taking both u!

DD: I'll never tell you Zesty Zhangyu! Do what u will.. I'll never betray my sidekick Orgasmo.

ZZ: You telling me now! Or I.... SCREW YOU TO DEATH!

DD: Then so be it! Screw me to my last breath!...

2005-09-17T16:12:00.000+08:00

Social Club Buena Vista

Yesterday, while I was having an intimate discussion on sex and architecture with my female tutor, Dr. Horny (HuoNing); I received an sms from a Taiwanese goat (Yang Chen) who was waiting outside my room wanting sex (I have the sms to prove it)... and then I received a call from a woman (Good ole Maz..) who wants to have sex with two of her secondary school students (she is soooo going to jail..). Despite giving them phone sex and multiple orgasms, they wanted to continue with a threesome at fongseng (our hangout where we get our daily dosage of fatty foods).

And so, after sexual explorations with sambal and onion rings.. dear Yang had to leave to attend to his Hangover Club (I'm not kidding.. it IS actually called The Hangover Club) event and left me alone with the perverted teacher. She was bored.. as if my company isn't exciting enough.. and wanted to attend this Cuban concert thingy at Vicky (Victoria) Theater.

Soon to be jailed teacher (STBJT): Eh u like cuban music or not?

Me: Oklah.. Why?

STBJT: Actually I want...

Me: Under-aged sex and child porno?

*SEPAKAN MUKA SENGET!!* (FACE DISTORTING SLAP)

STBJT: ...to catch Buena Vista Social Club at VT. No one to go with me so u come yah?

Me: Cuban huh.. Will there be cocaina or at least some ganja?

STBJT: No....

Me: Not interested.

STBJT: Come laaarrrr.... WO YAO!!

Me: I'm tired la... had a "lenghty" discussion with my tutor just now.

STBJT: You're coming!

Me: No-way Jose.

STBJT: No one wants to come with me so you're coming!

Me: I don't care sad Pierre.. I'm from France... Besides.. not say I'm a big fan me more into rock and those people are old anyway.. u sure they don't have arthritis already.. I mean..

*Sneaky dicky from behind with big stick and... Whack!*

Half an hour and a big lump later...

Me: Uuggh... Where am I?

MC: Buenas noches damas y caballeros!

Me: AAWwggh!! Goddammit!!

And so.. I was kidnapped and forced to watch a Cuban concert by a perverted over-sexed secondary school teacher. But things seemed to get better as a REALLY HOT Latin chica in a really nice red dress began gyrating.. Heh.. this social club nice.. But (ok this part gets less fictionalised...) my attention shifted slowly towards the music.. Cubans can groove..

One grand piano, one big bass, congo and bongos, maracas, one trumpet, one acoustic folk guitar, an assortment or percussions, singer and a bartender. Not sure if it was because the show was called "The Bar at Buena Vista Social Club"... but they brought their bloody bartender!! No joke. There was a dude in a white suit serving drinks to these Cubans!

Now.. this was a concert.. at most other concerts u mostly only see the singer grabbing a bottle of water wetting his pipes now and then. This dude was mixing Carribean poisons at what looked like a proper bar (not a prop) for these bean burritos on stage! And these cubans were smokin and drinkin while entertaining us.. These cubans chillin man...

I was an instant convert! Me shall try to infuse rock with the Latino chill factor..

Anyway, apparently The Buena Vista Social Club are legends with their kind of Latino jazz.. just one show and any hobo can see why. Some of these geezers are in their 80s! I began imagining me with bongos or a guitar or whatever and tequila... touring half the world with my bloody bartender sharing grooves with the uptight and unenlightened... till they knock the nails in my coffin.

The BVSC isn't really a fixed membership thing.. somewhat consisting of notable musicians from here and there (like the Afro-Cubans All Stars).. but it's all in the family. The lineup yesterday wasn't the all star line-up.. notably missing was Ibrahim Ferrer (somewhat founder of the group.. bugger is already 80 and still rockin) but there was this guitar dude called Marakaibo (probably 80s as well...) piano legend Rubén González, Godfather-like singer forgot his name, but he rocks, and an aretha franklin like cuban diva. From me research, they somewhat went into oblivion until 1997 when some dude called Ry Cooder resurrected BVSC and caused somewhat of a renaissance. There's also a documentary/movie which won like whatever award there is to win la.

Their show was pretty interesting... not just music... ah hem hot latin dancers... but had a musical like feel to it and the blokes introduced every song with some reminiscing story which I supposed touched our hearts la. One song was about when the bartender (I'm figuring out at this point he wasn't quite just a bartender in the group) went to New York and met some talented cholo whom sadly got shot and died with 25 grand in his socks. All the big names in the groups (sorry for the sessionists) got to make some big entrance and tell some story la.

Then The Singer came on.. and probably told us some story about when he was just a little taco eating beaner etc.. not like I understood the translator also... and then launched into some song. He's 87 but the bloody bastard got BIG VOICE... and then MAK DATUK!! dia boleh joget!! (shiver me timbers!! the old beanie can dance) albeit very very very very slowly and with somewhat arthritic like movement (but most of us dead at that age anyway).

The entire experience was somewhat surreal with foggies in their 80s, and tequilas, cigars, bongos, loud spanish chanting, bartenders/maids, hot latinas/latinos groovin, and a godfather/singer in a rocking chair in the centre of the stage givin Singapore some Carribean Flava yo. I's gots to say. I's goin to retire some where in Cuba, Bahamas, Barbados, as long as I is chillin in the Carribean.

To top it off.. BVSC as a treat, got the crowd to stand up and jive in the Very Upper Crust Vicky Theater. I was right up there groovin... and Ms. I-Want-Screw-My-Barely-Legal-Students pervert teacher actually took some egging to get her to get up and shake it... and to think she had to kidnap me to get me here. I is startin me own Latin groove percussion band with bartender next week.

2005-09-14T17:16:00.000+08:00

My Friend MUNAH.

*(oklah.. real english tranlastion for the benefit of those who can't read malay.. that's u, yingyu.)

Hello Friends!! Lemme tell all of u about my friend... Munah! She is a Boyan. That means.. her grandfather's grandfather's grandfather and her grandmother's grandmother's grandmother came from dunno wat island in Indonesia and met (i.e. got jiggy..) in... Singapore!! As a consequence... one day... perhaps 40 years ago... out popped Munah the Boyan.

According to a thesis by some Chinese kiasu kwee that I read in the NUS library, the Boyanese (or baweanese.. watever..) and Javanese enjoy playing this shadow play theater thingy (wayang kulit), something called kuda kepang and music like kompang, ghazal, gamelan, seruling, gambus and what not. But... unlike the Javanese.. the Boyans forgot to bring their instruments! Therefore are resigned to playing with tops and anything that spins..

The kiasu kwee also says that the Boyanese are very talented, very musically inclined and enjoy "wayang-ing". But from what I observe.. Munah the Boyan is loud and violent! I've been tormented to no end by her. Although she appears small and petite.. she has the ability to conjure destructive superpowers like the punch of DEATH, "8 LIVES GONE!" kick, and the FACE DISTORTING slap. Many Malay, Chinese, Indian chumps and so on have been critically injured and have had their mouths disfigured permanently for acting lewd in front of Munah the Boyan.

This small Boyan is very magical (or charming..). One day, after witnessing a rock performance by a band called "burned out".. this Boyan.. using dunno wat some more powers.. successfully ensnared another super-human Boyan called KunangMan. Apparently, Munah the Boyan was somewhat lacking cockles in her fried kway teow that she ordered from a stupid simpleton in Newton Circus. Realizing the perplexing predicament his fellow countryman/woman was in, KunangMan with such VALOUR and HONOUR, speedily excavated all the cockles from his own fried kway teow and without a thought for his own bulging tummy, swiftly put his precious cockles on Munah's plate.

This display or extraordinary courage swept Munah the Boyan off her feet and almost a year later, she forced the Kunang into engagement. KunangMan, without listening to the sincere advice of his true friends, hynotised as if accidentally eating a "nasi kangkang with chili" lovespell, got engaged to the small Boyan with a dowry of 20cents or $10,000. I'm not really sure. KunangMan is now resigned to playing the keyboards for the rest of his life to Munah the Boyan.

But God, observing the sad plight of the Brave Warrior Kunang, sent Munah the Boyan to a land far far away... Dubai... and Kunang the Brave will no longer be spellbound by Munah's chili nasi kangkang spell. Kunang's friends and the all the critically and permanently disfigured chumps were filled with such boundless joy that they waited patiently in Changi counting down the seconds to Dubai Airlines departure from Singapore. Although the little Boyan is scheduled to return at the end of the year... nevertheless Kunang's homeland of Singapore, remains calm and peaceful for the time being.

Yeslah Munah.. we still miss u la.. and nolah we (i) don't really think you're a witch.

2005-09-12T22:50:00.000+08:00

My friend MUNAH.

Hello kawan-kawan! Mari saya beritahu kalian pasal kawan saya.. Munah! Dia seorang Boyan. Maksudnya.. dia punya datuk punya datuk punya datuk dan dia punya nenek punya nenek punya datang dari entah mana punya kampung kat indonesia and bertemu di.. Singapura!! Akibatnya... pada suatu hari... mungkin 40 tahun dulu... keluarlah Munah si Boyan.

Menurut thesis satu budak Cina yang saya baca di perpustakaan NUS; dia kata orang Boyan dan orang Java suka main wayang kulit, kuda kepang, dan main muzik seperti kompang, ghazal, gamelan, seruling, gambus dan sebagainya. Namun... tidak seperti orang Java.. Boyan-Boyan Singapura terlupa bawa alat-alat muzik mereka!! Oleh itu, mereka terpaksalah main gasing and apa saja yang boleh berputar..

Budak Cina tu cakap lagi, orang-orang Boyan ni banyak 'talented', terror bermain muzik dan suka ber"wayang-wayang". Tapi apa yang aku perasan.. Munah si Boyan becok dan ganas! Tak habis-habis aku diperkosa olehnya. Walaupun saiznya kecik dan ramping... TETAPI dia berkebolehan "mengeluarkan" kuasa-kuasa yang membinasakan seperti tumbukan MAUT, tendangan NYAWA IKAN dan sepakan MUKA SENGET. Sudah banyak jantan-jantan Melayu, Cina, India dan lain lain cedera parah dan mulut muncung lebam akibat berkelakuan tidak senonoh depan Munah si Boyan.

Si boyan kecik ni memang ajaib. Pada suatu hari, setelah menyaksikan persembahan "rock" dari satu kumpulan bernama "burned out".. dia.. dengan menggunakan entah apa lagi kuasa boyannya.. berjaya menjerat satu lagi budak boyan yang juga mempunyai kuasa-kuasa ajaib, bernama KunangMan. Kononnya, Munah si Boyan kekurangan "kerang" dalam kway teow goreng yang dia order dari satu mamat bodoh di Newton Circus. Setelah menyedari "masalah kekurangan kerang" yang dihadapi oleh rakan Boyannya, KunangMan dengan GAGAHnya dan pantasnya mengorek keluar semua sekali kerang dalam kway toew gorengnya sendiri dan tanpa memikirkan kelaparan perutnya, sekali gus meletakkan kesemua kerang yang berharga atas pinggan Munah.

Aksi yang luar biasa berani ini terpikat hati Munah si Boyan dan hampir setahun kemudian, dia memaksa Si Kunang untuk bertunang dengannya. KunangMan, tanpa menghiraukan nasihat kawan-kawan sejatinya, terpukau seolah-olah termakan nasi kangkang tambah cili, bertunang dengan si Boyan kecik dengan mas kahwin 20sen ataupun $10,000. Tak pasti saya. Sekarang terimalah nasibnya untuk bermain keyboard sepanjang hayatnya untuk boyan kecik tadi.

Namun, Tuhan ternampak kisah sedih Si Pahlawan Gagah KunangMan dan menghantar Munah si Boyan ke tempat jauh sekali... Dubai..., dari mana Kunang Gagah Perkasa tidak boleh dipukau. Alangkah gembira sekali kawan-kawan Kunang dan mamat-mamat yang cedera parah dan mulut senget yang mereka sedia bertunggu di Changi mengira saat-saat untuk kapal terbang Dubai Air meninggal Singapura. Walaupun dia bersedia balik di hujung tahun... namun tanahair Singapura, tanah tumpa darah Kunang, aman damai buat seketika.

Translation:

My Friend Munah

She sexy. She nice. She hot. She got Kunang. We miserable without her. :D

2005-09-09T20:21:00.000+08:00

Of Bitches and Guitars Pt. II

Well.. If the previous entry was boring, it was a necessary ludicrous intimate expression of my passion for my babies. I need to let them know how much I absolutely love them. So on to the part about bitches.

Jenny and Penny were being somewhat of a bitch recently.. I tried adjusting the truss rod on Penny but it was stuck, not very sure what to do next, and I think I spoilt the trem lock on Jenny. She kept going out of tune everytime I attempted dive bombs, I tightened the locks and the the screw just kept turning. No biggie.. I'll just get a new set of locks. Easily solved... which is MUCH MORE than I can say for my experience with "bitches".

Where do I begin with MY experiences with bitches? Man.. this is going to be loong.. :D Oh, here's a good saying.. There are bitches.. then THERE ARE BITCHES!

THE BITCH that stands out most in my teeny weeny experience living this short life is this FUCKING STUPID AH LIAN that I dated for a little while whilst on holidays back home in Melaka. We were hooked up by a common friend (thanks Lek Fong.. you're a bitch too) after I helped this friend with her business report (sorry.. practically did everything actually) for her final year. She felt indebted to me (fucking rightly so..) and she suggested that she treat me to dinner. I said no. Mistake no.1. I said, "Why don't u hook me up with Sim (THE Bitch) instead? U know... the one that was with us a while in Form 6? I remember her being hot. She was your classmate is sec school right?" Mistake no.2.

So LF went calling old friends to get a hold of Yvonne's (That's Sim aka THE Bitch) cell phone number. A few unsuccesful attempts and she said, "I can't get her number leh... " And horny ole me replied, "Try lah.. U owe me u know.." Mistake no. 3. So, long story short, she finally got hold of Yvonne and called me to say that we were going to have a ménage à trois at Secret Recipe Deli that night told me to show up. I showed up... FATAL mistake no. 4.

Lemme say 1st impression can be misleading... VERY FUCKING MISLEADING. Yvonne was hot.. Ah Lian'ish but hot Ah Lian'ish. She was just a little shorter than me, long legs, nice figure, slender but not waif, I like 'em a little meaty, big eyes, long smooth hair, pretty flawless complexion with a nice hint of a slight tan, big boobies, big round boobies, nice meaty boobs, big round joyous boobs, "I'm a woman, look at my titties" boobs, large but not old saggy boobs, large "please lemme squeeze 'em" boobs, big "come get some horndog" boobs, nice round "may I suck and tickle 'em with my tongue" boobs, large "please nurse me, ma'am" boobies, enticing "please be my mommy" boobs, inviting "smoother me and and I die happy" fucking great TITS!!

I was staring for a pretty fucking long time. A pretty fucking long time...

So anyway eventually we went out and saw movies and stuff like that lah. Like I said 1st impressions can be misleading. This bitch was a prude. So happened my 1st girlfriend was her classmate.. small bloody world... and she was digging up my past with her like shit. I admitted to her I wasn't a virgin and I lost it to this first gf (sob sob..) and u could see the sparkle in her eyes when I was talked about it. She claims to be a virgin... and I believe her... and she was sooo curious about sex.. She couldn't stop with the sex trivia. How was it like ah? Pain ah? Nice or not ah? How u do ah? Got pattern one ah? Then the girl leh.. she like or not? How many times u all do ah? Wah.. really ah? Where u all do ah? ..I thought I was gonna get some.. I sooo wanted to play with her puppies.

Let me repeat.. 1st impressions can be misleading. After a couple of outings, she started to get really comfy in the car with me (she made me chauffer her around... her titties man, titties... ) Her hands would be rubbing my shoulders while I was driving, carressing my thighs, and feeling my forearms. After a couple of "feeling" incidents, optimistic me thought it's time to move in. One date at a cafe, I thought it would be safe at this point to try and put my arms around her waist. And so I proceeded to try and put my arms around her waist.. I sat closer and proceeded to try and put my arm around her waist.. looking for moment to try and proceed to put my arm around her waist... and when I did proceed to put my arm around her waist.. she said, "Doon't lah.. Gelliii... (ticklish)!" Bloody sam hell.. What is fucking wrong with u???? One minute you're soooo curious about sex and feeling me like pekingnese puppy and then you say TICKLISH?? Your Mother Lah!!

I still put up with her... mistake no.5. Boobies... big round juicy boobies...

These events aren't in chronological order.. I'm mostly stating the "events" that left me gripping my jaw and feeling my balls to make sure I'm still all there. Anyway this bitch was chinese-ed and her english sucked worse than my chinese.. It was miracle we still manage to communicate.. Boobies... nice big soft tender boobies...

So once we were at this cafe/bar for a drink and I couldn't stand but smoke.. She didn't quite like my smoking habit. I was wearing my fav pair of adidas shorts (which btw got stolen while I hung it out to dry on the clothesline in my hall... I'll find u, muthafucking bastard) and put my stuff (e.g. handphone, keys, ciggarette pack, wallet) on the table so it wouldn't slip out my pockets. And the bloody no manners Ah Lian with no manners began browsing thru my wallet (she already browsed thru my handphone.. that's another story). She went like, "Wah matric card.. what's this? Wah EZ-Link card.. What's this? Wah I'm so suaku.. what's this? WAHH SING PI!! WO YAO!!" (Wah Sing dollars!! I Want!!) And TOOK A TEN SING-DOLLAR NOTE!

At that time that was only like our 2nd or 3rd date.. Never for the life of me thought that she would actually keep the money. I mean.. she barely knows me yet.. Well the missing money from my wallet was lingering in the back of my mind throughout the date (well it is still 10 sing bucks.. not like I'm rich... and that's RM22.. equivalent to 4 packs of ciggarettes.. a treasure trove). So at the end of it all, I asked her, "Eh my money leh.." her reply, "Wo yao..." I thought she was actually playing.. So I asked again, "My money leh..".. "Wo yao.." repeat about a million times. "But it's my money leh..." Then she thought she could end it all by cleverly saying, "Ni yao pu yao keh zhien zhai?" (U want or don't want to give now?) Bloody bitch... "no.. I need it leh.." And then one more time, "Ni yao pu yao keh zhien zhai?".. "no."

And then her selective hearing kicks in. She calmly walks to the.. sorry my car... like nothing happened. I remember pulling my jaw off the ground and feeling for my balls.

Among the other no manners things she did to me was checking my phone and browsing thru my contact list and reading my sms'es! OH WAIT! Not only read my sms'es but check the sent items as well... all the personal messages I meant for close friends. OH WAIT! Check her horoscope (which cost 50 cents to a dollar per sms... till today i'm not sure) while I was in the toilet.. This happened on the VERY FIRST DATE by the way. I still went out with her.. mistake no.6.. big titties.. big titties.. mommy she had big titties... But the next bloody incident tops the cake with 10,000 calorie icing.

My friends were going on an island trip since we so happened to be on holiday at the same time and asked me along... I'm always their source of entertainment. They finally confirmed our departure for early thursday morning and told me on monday night. I only knew this Ah Lian only 2-3 weeks and my friends didn't know I was going out with someone. I said ok to the trip anyway and told the Ah Lian I was going away for a while and I'll be back on Sunday. That was a Tuesday and she had no holidays at her university in my hometown. I assumed she coudln't go. BUT NO!! Come wednesday night after coming home from the club with Wendy (one of the friends going for the trip as well) and the Ah Lian.. Yvonne went, "WO YAO ZHI!!" (I WANNA GO!)

I was like, "What?? Now only u say? But u have school... not good to miss classes u know *fingers crossed*" "WO YAO ZHI!! times a zillion. There was no shutting her up. "But there's no space in the car for u already.." "WO YAO ZHI!!" There was no reasoning with her. So despite the late hour I said, "Oklah I'll cancel with my friends altho it's already wed night and we're leaving tomorrow morning. So we make alternate holiday plans with Wendy and her bf and the four of us go somewhere else la" With a bloody happy grin, she says, "Ok!"

"So let's go pick Wendy up and we go to a mamak stall nearby and discuss where to go la" (Wendy stays like 5 fucking minutes away from me) But nooo.. Yvonne says, "Wait ah.. I go home change 1st.. very fast one"

"HUH?? Whats' wrong with what you're wearing now? Wendy lives just there.. within 8 minutes we can be sitting down talking about where to go! We're just going to a mamak stall.. no need to dress up what? And u live at the other end of town.. "

Yvonne: Nolah! Not nice la my clothes..... Classic....

Despite my vehement protests,.. I let her leave anyway. Big titties man... round squishy titties.. her promise of being back in half an hour became one and a half hours. I called Wendy and explained everything.. She agrees... she owes me anyway for other stuff.

Finally Cinderella arrives. This is a classic moment. I see her in her car outside my house so I walk out and hop in. Note: Her car is outside my house with her in the driver's seat and the engine running. We could very easily go off and pick up Wendy and be planning holidays within 5 minutes. Any homosapien with 2 brain cells would see that it's only the most logical thing to do. Then what happens next defies any kind of logic.

She insists I drive my (rather my dad's) car......

I feel for my balls and pull my gaping jaw off the floor...

*To exit my home.. one must go thru a wooden door (with keylock), a metal grill (with keylock and padlock) and the gate (with latch and padlock).
As my more than 2 brain cells process the information, I, Sherlock Holmes, deduce that I would have to necessarily get out of the car, shut the car door, find gate padlock key, unlock gate padlock, unlatch gate, find grill key, unlock grill, find grill padlock key, unlock grill padlock, find door key, unlock door, get car keys, drive out car, repeat process.

Estimated required time: 10 minutes
Estimated required time if we drove her already running car: 1/2 second

I, Sherlock Holmes, say, "No dearie.. That doesn't make sense.. Why don't we leave in your decent enough car and pick Wendy, I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all... and proceed to more pertinent matters, honey.. like this predicament of cancelling last minute with my friends and planning an alternate holiday which u put me in, sweet pumpkin.."

Yvonne (with sweet stupid smile): Don't want.. U drive :D

Dr. Watson in my head screams, "Stand your ground old boy! This is tough nut to crack but adhere to logic good man! Elementary my dear Holmes. U've been in rougher waters old chap."

Sherlock: No, just drive lah!

Yvonne (with sweet stupid smile): Don't want.. U drive :D

repeat approximately as many times as it takes for a pig to fly.

Then finally she points to her steering wheel and says, "U drive :D"
Sherlock, thinking he's finally cracked the case says, "Ok." Steps out of the car to walk to driver's seat. When SUDDENLY she reverses and parks. I'm like, "What are you doing, dearie?"

Yvonne (with sweet stupid smile): Oh u thought drive my car ah? Oh nolah.. drive your car lah :D

I feel for my balls and pull my gaping jaw off the tar road.

It's very hard to describe what I felt next. It's kind of like my hands were in an iron ball and shaking and my legs were quivering with enough energy to leap tall buildings and run faster than a speeding bullet. I always held strong that a man should never under any circumstances hit a lady... but I was sooo willing to compromise. What was in front of me wasn't a lady.

With one ball missing and jaws unable to close properly.. I drove my dad's car... No more titties.. Titties not worth it... Don't want to play squishy squishy boobies anymore...

Bloody Psycho Loony BIATCH!

And if u thought that was all that happened in 3 weeks... you are sooo naive. Previous amazing incidents include her making me pay for whatever we spent in the date.. still thinking of boobies then.. insisting I bring her along when I go to my tennis sessions at the club.. she saw the club membership decal on the car on day and very buay paiseh told me to take her along... still enchanted by boobies.. making me drive her pick her up when she has her own car... still thought of groping her breasts..

Of course.. once the tittie spell was broken... I broke it off with her.. Please fuck off and die.. U'd be doing the entire male population the greatest favour ever.

However the next holidays I spent at home, she somehow spotted me somewhere... I've avoided that place since.. and rang me up... I tried to pretend I didn't know who she was.. but we ended up meeting for a drink... hoping to glance at boobies one last time.. If I thought I knew how Ah Lian she was... surprise.. she never fails to deliver.. She mentions something about her recent trip to China with her family and how some provinces so "kampung".. "I think KL better leh.." and getting a liposuction.

Her english sucks ok.. I didn't know that she was referring to the liposuction process until she said, "Suck the fat come out one." Ohh.. liposuction u stupid biatch.. It's amazing u know that the surgical procedure exists without knowing what it's called... And no.. I'm not a doctor... I don't know what the risks are or whether u'll be retarded after surgery altho "spasticfication" is a minimal risk in your case.

She somehow without casting a boobie spell persuades me to bring her to the club again. Then one of the horny rich uncles I play tennis with at the club says "Eh Andrew, your girlfriend ah? Pretty hoh?" "Nolah uncle... not my girlfriend.. I don't have girlfriend thankfully.."

Horny uncle: Oh really ah? Don't bluff la. So pretty u don't want? Then introduce me la. I can supply her one car, one house no problem!

Sherlock "Single" Holmes: Uncle... Take lah,.....

PS:
1.The bitch saga hasn't ended. But this was and IS THE BITCH EXPERIENCE in my life. Other biatch episodes to be continued in later entries.

2. Hi Munah, we misses u lots.

2005-09-08T20:48:00.000+08:00

Of Bitches and Guitars

I discovered that I have G.A.S. (Gear Acquisition Syndrome)... In a span of 2 weeks I acquired 2 guitars and a new amp. I'd like to welcome Peavey Penelope and Jennifer "Raeka Grace" Ibanez, or Penny and Jenny, into my harem. I have a habit of naming my guitars (5 including the very first guitar I ever played, a Yamaha classical guitar I inherited, found in my house actually, from my mum. That guitar is probably 25-30 yrs old but excellent condish). I've now exceeded the muslim quota of 4 wives, but me LOVE me new wives very much. That's what they are.. my wives. Cos me love them more than anything.

Before I get the part on bitches, lemme explain the logic of naming your instruments. Firstly, it gives them more personality.. no 2 instruments are identical after all (no 2 bitches are identical as well..) and will sound different no matter how similar. Imagine having a girlfriend with no name. I use different guitars for different music anyway. But I always ROCK... I think...

Now Penelope means "weaver" in Greek and hence Penny and I "weave" melodic licks in rock riffs while we watch everyone's jaw hang in awe. Yea... Penny.. U and I were made for each other. Penny is a 7 string (something I've wanted since I was introduced to Korn and Dream Theater). I can hear everyone going, "Waaah.." Yes.. waah.. Penny belongs to me. She does need a pick up change before we can Rock, I'm thinking of Seymour Duncan's JB Duncan Trembucker, most of u probably won't know what I'm talking about.. Don't worry... I'm smarter than u. My guitar teacher, Kis (ex-guitarist for malay band Putra) uses the same pick up and he can rock on it... I'll do better. I can go on and on about Penny but i'll move on.

Now Jenny... I like... She's my first 24-fret trem-locking Ibanez RG. Got it 2nd hand from some ang moh named Lachlan, cheap. Stupid white fellow. But he was nice. Went to his apartment to get it and his sister was sitting in the living room in a bikini top.. so much for trying to be spiritual from now on. Lachlan introduced me to his dad and his dad shook my hand said, "Hi. Good luck." I hope he meant with the guitar and not his daughter. Anyway.. Jenny was a great deal. A made in Japan RG.. note, not korean, or bloody indon or china.. Japanese! So proud of Jenny.. me love u long time.

I'm still learing to use the whammy arm but I shall exploit it like shit.. but I tried dive bombing on Jenny and I fell in love with Jenny all over again. I'm not great at it yet.. but it's showing potential. And the best part is I managed to tweak Paul Gilbert's sound with my Korg on it. If Paul Gilbert died and Mr. Big got together again... me and Jenny be first choice.. Aiight. And the best part is... oh did I already say that? Doesn't matter cos Jenny keeps surprising me, I got KILLER metal sounds after I config'ed my PG patches. Yo... dig up yerself. Jenny is definately a keeper... Very much unlike all my previous girlfriends.. they were bitches anyway. Jenny's full name is Jennifer "Raeka Grace" Ibanez. Raeka is Spanish for beautiful, unique and Grace is Latin for blessing. Jenny is a beautiful blessing indeed.

The only other guitar that has a name is my first ever electric guitar (extreme sentimental value). And that beautiful baby is Christina "Scarlet" Schoemann (Nina for short). Nina is an red Epiphone Les Paul Standard. If u thought your girlfriend was beautiful.. u haven't seen Nina. She has wife ranking no.1. Fixed bridge.. much less temperamental than tremolos.. Extremely crunchy.. harder than JLo's ass. Christina is Greek for follower of Christ, annointed; and Schoemann is German for shoemaker and Nina is Spanish, Hebrew for girl, grace. Well, fitting, since I am a follower of Christ (tho the music played on Nina pretty far from praise n worship) and since Christ was a carpenter, she's a shoemaker, and Nina IS a Graceful Girl... note.. not Bitch. Me love her to death.

Nina was actually named after girl ( a real one) I fell in love with once.. I told her I'd name my guitar (my most prized possession, to show her how much I loved her... aww..) but she was just another bitch. But nevertheless me love for Nina grows stronger every bloody day. Sadly, everytime I play mellow stuff on Nina, only reminds me of the real girl (and all the shit I went thru) but Nina still Rocks my world. Me promise no girl is ever gonna come between me and u ;D

Only the Yamaha Classical and a yard sale Flying V (still no idea what the brand is) are left unnamed. Honest well meaning suggestions welcome.. the rest of u lot can fuck off. Got a feeling the Yamaha is a Spanish girl. I composed an instrumental spanish guitar piece on it and the melody came almost instinctively on it... like magic.. The song was inspired a girl I was "kind of" dating back home. Again stupidly I thought she could be the one.. but I was so smitten at the time that when she mentioned she liked spanish guitar I wrote this song almost instantaneously after coming up with a short melody... and the Yamaha pretty much guided my fingers the rest of the way.

After I wrote it I was like, "Fulamak... power...!" I didn't even know I could play like that on a non-electric. I put it down to being "in love" at the time... but in retrospect maybe it was the Yamaha... maybe... the magic of being in love with another girl could do wonders altho I don't believe I'll ever let myself be tied down to a girl again. I wanted to play it to that particular girl... but hell.. for someone who has suicidal tendencies, I have bigger concerns, not like me attracted to her anymore.

She was sooo indecisive about hooking up (btw, I've almost never taken the 1st initiative with girls) I just grew fed up. What's up with girls anyway? Sensitive caring new age athletic musically inclined metrosexual who cooks WELL (i.e. me) asking you if you wanna go steady and you're undecided? Good luck finding another me this lifetime.. lol. My heart can only take so many breaks. She pretty much effectively put me off girls hopefully forever.. not holding anything against her, shld thank her actually.. it was nice going out with u tho... shld credit u with the spanish song.

And finally my Flying V. Got from a music sale this store organised... bought it cos it was cool... and cheap. The story is that my dad asked me to get a guitar so Matt (my bro) could play as well.. and i thought.. what else rocks harder than a Flying V?? Answer is nothing else... Its very presence evokes raw caveman instincts. The only reason Mudvayne rocks is the Gothic Gibson Flying V. Plug thru high gain distortion and don a funky electric hairstyle... you're already rocking. Sadly I was a little inexperienced with guitar setups and modifications at the time so I didn't realize the the electronics on the guitar was out of whack.

Hence, the guitar is now in parts and the electronics semi-discarded. But it will be put together and it WILL BE BEAUTIFUL. It's a Flying V... and it's going to be very personal... it's going to be very ME. It's going to be "pimped" Randy Andy style... not the workshop Ah Beng grease monkey way. Probably seymour duncan invaders or Dimebucker pickups and a self made pick guard, new met black tuners, engraved bolt/black plate with chinese characters and shiny metal tuning knobs. In short.. IT WILL ROCK.

So there's a list of probably the most valuable things I own. At least I value them most. Thank goodness I still have enough sense to not name my amps and effects.. tho i'm very close. In case of my demise, u guys know what my most expensive stuff.. please bury or cremate me with one guitar so I may bring it to heaven.. or hell. My attachment to my guitars and guitar gear will be my undoing.

PS: If this article is boring... tho I almost came writing it... blame Charles. He made me continue blogging after one year and 2 months.

2004-04-08T01:20:00.000+08:00

Why you pickin on me?

Now... for some odd fucked up reason, people, friends and also the newly acquainted like to pick on me. But don't get the wrong idea, i dont feel the need to listen to marilyn manson and shoot the shit out of everyone in school.

For as long as i can remember, ppl seem to love insulting me, teasing, slapping, hitting me, and forcing themselves on me. Apparently in good nature.. apparently. Let's begin with the name calling: CheeFat, Cheecak, Mother's blood (don't ask...), Beruk, B.Rock, The Furry One, Piggy, Pink nail-polished dodo, Andrew Wendrew, Jungle man (by my grandma in chinese), Big Melon (my granma again), Andy Boy, Bear bear, Budiboo (don't ask man... don't ask), Dugong, Asam Pedas, Pekong.

Now, where is the kick out of out calling me all that? I barely respond.. I rarely come up with another nickname in reciprocation.. When it doesn't work, they come up with different names in different languages. It's like they're expecting some violent reaction which will tickle their funny bone and make their life worth-while. They not satisfied with "Fuck off" or "Up yours" anymore. What do these motherfuckers want?

I don't know.. but when the name calling doesnt do it anymore, they get physical.. like moving on to a harder drug. It somehow seems like a good idea to them when they get , ". . ." responses from me, to try and beat up Andrew or take off his pants. So far no one has gotten creative with their physical exploits on me, dull boring fucks. Don't be thinking I'm a pussy or a helpless geek, I'm not small and at one time I was well built. They come in numbers exceeding 3, no one has felt the urge to try to take me on alone.

I just don't fight back, I don't know why.. I always think it isn't worth-while. There was this class in secondary school filled with pretty much rejects whom i was friends with because i sympathised them. The better half of them will rise to be the Tiger Colonel, 2nd in rank in their local pussy gangster triad or the senior grease monkey in the local Honda service station. Anyway, i was friendly with them and they respected me in a way, but it gave them a thrill to rag a prefect (i.e. me) whenever the opportunity presented itself. They made sure they had about 15 of them and about one of me before they tried the buckle of my pants. There'd be about 3/4 on each leg, 2/3 on each arm and another 2 on my shoulders and 2 priviledged ones get to undo the buckle and the fly. The waistband of my pants would go till about my thighs and they'd let go... thats their thrill.

Recently, some hall mates went a bit too far. After drinking they thought it'd be fun to take off my pants entirely and left me and my buttocks walk to the rest of the 15 minute journey home with the wind in my balls. Traumatizing i must admit, but i'll live. If it had happened to any 3 of them, they'd stab the bejesus outta me while i slept. All of them are still afraid their mummies and daddies would find out about their cancer-stick sucking habit.

So now, all the above-mentioned have been unprovoked and uncalled for. The one time I threw an empty can at the lead singer of my (probably defunct) band, he took it as an invitation to lay it, to smack it, on my candy ass... for 45 minutes. I barely resisted, it woulda just delude him into thinking he was really in contention for the heavy-weight douche-bag title of the World Wrestling Nitwit Federation. He got thru about every move of his fav wrestler and a few improvised moves as well, later to remark that he made sure I wouldnt be hurt and my legs didnt hit the fan. Oh hey, thanks man, you're a chump.

Some of their endeavours have not been restricted to just plain violence. One friend humped me while slept and later felt the urge to grab one tittie with one hand and tickle my balls with the other. It's a wonder I haven't anally raped by now. I'm not asking for it though... I pity the sexually deprived fool who thinks i'm gonna give it to him. I'm gonna quiver with ecstasy when I stick my fist in his butthole and pull his testicles through the now enlarged anus. Poor asshole.. I'll apologise by making him sit on a turkey and watch him crap out his mouth. Probably make interesting turds.

Sad to say, some bolder girl-friends of mine seem to think its nice to hit Andrew too. Maybe they get too much "Shuttup bitch!", "I said do THE LAUNDRY!", "Get on your knees you FUCKIN SLUT" or "I'm a slap your pretty face if you say another word, NOW SUCK!" from their boyfriends or daddies or something. It's always nice to take it out on Andrew. Oh he's so nice, let's slap his shoulder. Oh let's do it again. Mostly happens after a lewd remark about their tits or ass. Used to have an ex-girlfriend who liked to bite, but that's a different story. I bit back. Now, excuse me while I take a crap.

2004-04-05T01:33:00.000+08:00

A friend's message to me

This is my first post. I've nothing much to say cept that i've seen 2 ppl's blogs and i thought blogging was kinda cool. And this msg i received from a weird friend of mine inspired me to start blogging. Cutting the bullcrap, here it is, with a few spell errors in it: (u need to understand malay and its nuances to fully appreciate it sadly.. but it's a nice piece of vulgar poetic expression, i put a translation at the end) This is the poem my friend sent me that inspired me to start blogging, i just had to share this piece of crude poetry.

wahai kanda CHEEbai kotek Tujuh inci
apa khabar kanda sana .....dinda di sini ...puas
ssenantiasa...
kepala kotek Dijilat
bulu jubur Disikat ,
kotek kanda yang hitam pekat,
membuat nonok dinda la ketat

kotek jalan mencari nonok
jumpa nonok ajak dimain
kalau kanada nak seronok
boleh berjumpa di hari lain

tetek terjuntai tetek tertua
buntut pusara buntut pengkau
lu kalau lupa gua
sumpah lu kotek lu pukau
kotek bertangkal kotek azimat
nonok berbulu nonok keramat
kanda janagan risau jangan la tenat
dinda sihat dan selamat

ayat surah ke 43
watafik wah hidayat
wasalamualaikum

Translation:
My dear cunt of a husband with a seven inch penis,
How are u over there? Your dear little wife is happy and contented,
Dickheads licked,
the hairs of my ass are combed,
Your thick black penis,
makes my pussy snug and tight.

A penis walks looking for cunt,
Finds a cunt entices it for some fun,
If you want pleasure,
we'll arrange to meet one day.

Dangling breasts are old breasts,
an enshrined butt is your butt,
If u forget me,
curse on your penis it will be charmed.
Penile amulet penile talisman
A hairy cunt is a magic cunt,
Don't u worry, don't exhaust yourself,
I am healthy and secure.

43rd sentence of the surah chapter
May this be guidance
"return greeting"